Pigeon Technology

Posted on June 11th, 2008

The alley behind my apartment building houses many wonders: an overflowing garbage bin that smells like Burger King, an abandoned bicycle that’s been chained to the fence since I moved in two years ago, and a covered car park infested with pigeons.

I don’t hate pigeons. I like their shape. If the mood struck, I feel I could easily grab a pigeon with one hand. Birds in general, I like. Sometimes their light chirping sounds of music; a nice accent to a walk through the park on a warm summer‘s eve. Sure they poo everywhere, and have the ability to poo on you from the clouds above, but that’s fair trade for the shape and acoustics.

I didn’t notice the pigeons in the car park until a few weeks ago. While on my way to the local convenience store, several pigeons swooped down, startled no doubt at my intrusion to their natural habitat. One merely grazed my shoulder, while a second came within inches of my face. There were others- I could see pairs of beady eyes in the darkness- but only two chose to attack. I could have fought back, but opted to run. (I didn‘t spend twenty-three years on this earth drinking and chain smoking just to lose it all to a pair of fucking birds.) Since the incident- which I have taken to calling my own personal 9/11- I’ve largely avoided the car park of hell.

Fast forward two weeks. I’m returning home late from an evening of culture and debate (playoffs and beer), when I find myself under the cover of doom. I freeze: do I power through and make a dash for the door? Or do I step back into the light and go the long way around? As I weighed my options, my eyes darted around, waiting for the first attacker. I cocked my fists, spat out my gum, and prepared for war.

But it was for naught. The crevices, the spaces between the beams where the pigeons would stalk were bare. Rather, plastic spikes had been placed inside, preventing any sort of bird from setting up shop. Clever, I thought.

Yesterday I passed a small market near where I work. Usually between the cement pillars, homeless men would make their camp, protected from the rain in an alcove just large enough to lay down. Though I do not support charity I do admire a resourceful hobo. Sometimes I make note of certain practices, storing this information in case I ever end up on the cold, hard streets. How surprised was I to see that these small alcoves now had horizontal metal poles laid through them effectively blocking out any chance a hobo had to make a bed.

Is this what we’ve come to? Warding off unsavoury vagrants with pigeon technology?

I can’t say I’m surprised. People generally despise the homeless. I can understand a business not wanting beggars outside of their doors, but this total sign of disregard- spending hundreds of dollars in an epic “Screw you!” to those who have little to nothing. (I once saw a hobo with a shopping cart full of tires.) What is so wrong with allowing a man a nice spot to nap or to cover himself from a light afternoon rain?

I can’t offer an idea to rectify this problem. Boycott said business? No. Donations to the local homeless shelter? Nay. Tying a pigeon’s legs together and tossing him around like a football? Perhaps.

I don’t have all the answers.

Tags: 9/11, All Blogs, andrew menzies, pigeons, war
Filed under Andrew's Blog |

4 Responses to “Pigeon Technology”

1. bob Says:
   June 12th, 2008 at 2:56 pm

   I don’t care for the pigeon’s lack of respect toward me. When I walk down the street they never fly away from me. Sometimes they even make me walk around. I’m the one who’s higher up the food chain – they should be afraid of me. It’s not right.

2. Nick Says:
   June 13th, 2008 at 2:14 pm

   I must say that I find this a load of crap.
   Everybody knows that it is impossible to chain a bicycle to a fence and not have it stolen within a two-year span. The laws of the universe are very precise when it comes to matters like this. You could leave a bicyle lying on your lawn and it will never be touched. But the second you click that metal lock shut you are saying goodbye to that oh-so-precious bicycle. I wouldn’t make this up – I do not have the brain power required to invent this kind of theory. Just as I don’t have the brian power to understand the laws of physics and why I have yet to go through an entire summer in my 24 years of life without being shat on by a bird, it’s kindof depressing really. But I will give out kudos where it is rightly deserved and that designation is to you when you were prepared to die in a one-against-300-ish, man-vs-the-pigeon-army-of-death, battle-to-the-death. You are now a hero. More precisely, a modern-day vigilante. Kudos. (Oh and sorry for the load of crap comment.)

   Oh and one more thing: Bob you are thinking exactly the way the pigeons want you to think. Be careful with that.

3. Scott Says:
   June 14th, 2008 at 7:40 pm

   This is ludicrous. Pigeons are the gentlemen of the sky.

4. Ryan Says:
   June 25th, 2008 at 4:37 pm

   What the fuck’s a hobo?

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