This Blog is Fight! By Bob…
Posted on June 9th, 2008
The fight: a physical confrontation between two individuals. To dance, to chuck ‘em, to drop the gloves, to get crunk, to lay the smack down, to step to, to take it outside, to throw down, to want a piece of, to throw the hands.
Now, I should mention that I’ve never been in a real fight. I’ve been in hockey fights, witnessed/helped break up a couple of bar fights and I punched my brother in the face one time. But by no means do I consider myself a violent person and the prospect of getting punched in the face myself frightens me. However, I am convinced that I would do okay if the time came for me to ‘man up’.
First off, I’ve watched a lot of fights. People tell me I make good comments when watching UFC and other types of fighting. This leads me to believe that I have a pretty good handle on the theory of hand to hand combat. I’m a relatively in-shape guy. I play hockey once a week and I spend a lot of time outside. This leads me to believe that my conditioning would hold up at least long enough to put in a respectable effort. Plus, I’m tall. Reach is a key factor in these types of things. Lastly, I’ve had coaching. My father once told me “if you ever get in a fight, you better make the first one count.” Who can feel vulnerable with wisdom like this on their side?
Somehow, this thought that I might be able to tie, if not win, a fight makes me feel I am allowed to enjoy watching them. I think to myself “I could have done it professionally if I had really wanted to.” Which leads me to the reason I feel most people are opposed to fighting: They think they would get their asses kicked. It stands to reason, unless you’re a soldier who’s been in the suck, had to battle against his own fear in order to do his job, and now before he gets to go home, has been called to action one last time in order to save the only surviving son of a woman who had 4 boys in the war who will be played by Tom Hanks – I forgot what I was talking about…
My point is this: Fighting happens. You can either prepare yourself for this occasion as I have, or not. For this reason, I have created the Bob Woolsey 5 Easy Steps to Becoming Prepared to Fight Just in Case you Might Need to One Day, You Never Know System of training. Here are the steps in sequential order:
1) Watch as much fighting on television as possible. Recommended programs:
a. Ultimate Fighting Championship (Just sign up for Spike TV)
b. Hockey Night in Canada (Not as good as it used to be for this, but still a good source)
c. The Discovery Channel (Those animals know how to chuck ‘em old school)
d. The Shield (Vic Mackey is a beast)
2) Take up jump rope. We’ve all seen this in every boxing movie ever made; there must be something to it.
a. Amendment to this step: Eat raw eggs out of a tumbler glass.
3) Start punching things as part of your daily routine. This step is a preventative one. If people see you punching things in anger they are far less likely to pick a fight with you as you have already demonstrated your prowess.
4) Make the first one count.
5) If all else fails, be prepared to gouge out a person’s eye. This will win any fight. People’s eyes are sensitive and they need them to see you so they can punch you. If you remove the eyes, you are a sure fire winner. As preparation for this you’re going to want to handle a lot of skinned grapes so that you can get used to the texture of a smooshed eye.
With this 5 step program there is no way you will ever suffer an embarrassing loss of a fight again. If you take this program and make it part of your life you WILL stay safe.
*DISCLAIMER* The Bob Woolsey 5 Easy Steps to Becoming Prepared to Fight Just in Case you Might Need to One Day, You Never Know System has yet to be approved.
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Tags: All Blogs, bob woolsey, Comedy, Fight, Smooshed
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7 Responses to “This Blog is Fight! By Bob…”
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Scott Says:
June 9th, 2008 at 6:28 pmI got into a fight once in sixth grade. Actually, it was more of a pummeling than anything, but we’ll just call it a fight. I had P.E. with this fat shit kid who got tired of me calling him a fat shit (let the record show that this kid hated me long before it got to the name calling stage) and one day in the locker room after class he came from behind and pushed me to the ground. He then sat his fat ass on my chest and punched me in the face repeatedly until another kid in class, who apparently wasn’t a stickler for details, told the teacher that I was fighting. Needless to say, I was a bit upset for the rest of the day, which consisted of me sitting in detention with the kid who had just beaten the ever loving piss out of me. In retrospect, I guess I deserved it, but it was still pretty shitty.
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andrew Says:
June 10th, 2008 at 3:13 pmSorry to shit in your birdbath, but I thought while I was logged in, I might as well save you the trouble and throw down the indent myself.
The blog was hilarious, by the way. I think you and I need to fight and record it for the website.
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bob Says:
June 11th, 2008 at 12:47 pmI will pwn you Menzies!
P.S. what does ‘pwn’ mean? I’ve heard the kids using it and so I thought I’d throw it in here. Is it correct in this context?
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Jon Says:
June 11th, 2008 at 9:01 pmI was in a fight once. Yeah, in high school, a guy I knew pissed me off at lunch, so I dumped my pudding on him. Most of the pudding ended up on the wall. Then one of my friends “broke up” the fight by holding my right arm behind my back. My ribs were very sore. The pudding was still on the wall when I graduated two and a half years later… I wonder if it’s still there.
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Nick Says:
June 13th, 2008 at 2:26 pmI think you forgot to mention intimidation. That’s the key. In fact, that just might be the key to life in general, but that’s for another time.
Steps to producing proper intimidation:
1. Wear the proper muscle-bearing attire. aka a woman-beater. A little glisten (oil) might not hurt either.
2. Flex all muscles that are showing AT ALL TIMES. (this may take practice – especially while trying to pour juice, or pee, or raise your hands above your head.)
3. Say all the appropriate phrases to draw attention to your glistening muscles:
“Wanna hold the BEACH BALL?”
“This way to the BEACH”
“Would you like to see the GUN SHOW?”
“Somebody call the vet – these puppies are SICK!”
4. Grunt as much as possible.
5. If all else fails, smash a bottle over your head. If it smashes and you are still conscious – yell really loud – this is the ultimate form of intimidation. However, if it knocks you out, then you probably shouldn’t be fighting anyway. -
Meghan Says:
June 14th, 2008 at 7:57 pmBob, you are correct in your use of the ‘verb’ pwn. It originated around the same time as World of Warcraft and other online roll playing games. You see, the players of these games are so busy “pwning” each other, that they stopped noticing when typos (such as replacing the o in own with a p) occurred, and soon everyone was doing it, just to make life easier. Over time, it migrated to the mainstream vernacular, including verbal communication.
As per fighting, I can see you being a downright menace in an all out brawl.
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Ryan Says:
June 25th, 2008 at 4:53 pmNever been in a fight myself but not for lack of trying. I hope on the day that somebody finally has had enough and takes a swing that you are right there with me Bob. And if it’s you that’s doing the swinging, well then you can go screw you bastard.