What goes here I ask of you.

Posted on June 24th, 2008

I was hammering a nail into the wall and accidentally hit myself in the temple with the claw end of the tool. Before seeking medical attention I sat down to write this blog.

I could do without cats. I don’t like how they just roam the streets, jumping off ledges and trees. Apparently lots of people enjoy the company of cats. I can’t understand why, unless all of those people are retarded or blind.. Cats don’t come when you call them, they don‘t wag their tails, and their claws can easily draw blood: yeah, sign me up for one of those death machines, please!

The only real positive when comparing cats to dogs is that cats poop in a box. Dogs kind of poop everywhere, though I can forgive that because of the loyalty the average hound displays. I can approach any dog, stray or leashed, and I know that dog will appreciate a good ear rub. Cats are lazy and stupid.

They say there are two types of people: cat people and dog people. Well, I’d like to amend that. There are two types of people: dog people and assholes.

I still haven’t filled out the organ donor’s card. I received a mysterious check from the BC government today. They gave me one hundred dollars. I can only assume it’s a bribe for my internals. This is especially troubling considering the amount of blood that has pooled because of my hammer-wound. I better make a decision quickly lest they updated the policy and take my organs by default. I can’t have some son of a bitch cat owner getting my eyes, just so he can enjoy looking at his cat again.

Speaking of cats… I like ferrets. I say if you want to buy a cat, just get a bunch of ferrets. Look at the positives: they’re creepy as hell, you can leash them, and you can cleverly name them Ferret Bueller. Also, you may be able to buy them a Ferret Wheel. Irony is always something to consider when purchasing a pet.

I don’t want to get off track here, but.

I often think of pet names, or baby names on the off chance that I ever had some spitting, ugly, whiny little bastard infant in my possession.

Good baby names: Terrance, Richard, Tait Nickels, Gwendolyn, Scooter, Junior, Leslie (gender neutral), F.I.S.T., Kevin-Kirk

Note how almost all of those name would make excellent ferret names.

I would continue with this blog, but I just can’t fair it.

Tags: andrew menzies, ferret, hammer, organs
Filed under All Blogs, Andrew's Blog |

6 Responses to “What goes here I ask of you.”

1. Andrew Says:
   June 24th, 2008 at 3:19 pm

   I agree wholeheartidly. Ferrets are great animal.

2. Nick Says:
   June 24th, 2008 at 4:14 pm

   +7 pts for the warm feeling in my stomach after reading this
   -3 pts for not mentioning that the best ironic names come from calling your dog “Cat” or your cat “Dog” or your ferret “Pig”
   +5 pts for not trusting the government – even if it’s free money
   = 10 pts overall – sounds like a good day to me, well, if you ignore the fact that you just hit yourself in the temple with a hammer.

3. Scott Says:
   June 24th, 2008 at 7:01 pm

   Scooter

4. Andrew Says:
   June 25th, 2008 at 12:16 am

   shoulda called my blog “hammer time”

   hamster time

   ferret time.

   yeah, that’ll do.

5. Ryan Says:
   June 25th, 2008 at 4:43 pm

   Death to cats. A friend of mine’s father did the same thing with a hammer once, and he’s dead now.

6. Steve Says:
   June 25th, 2008 at 11:51 pm

   I didn’t realize that picture was supposed to be a ferret. I thought it was your artistic interpretation of your morning business, which you named “Ferret” before (presumably) flushing it and that enticed me to read this blog, which was then a disappointment as I expected it to be about poop.

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