Freedom Blog: A Tribute to A Decent Nation
Posted on July 3rd, 2008
America. The land of the free, the home of the Whopper. The country that brought us slavery, Rosie O’Donnell, and the Segway. What can I say about such a wonderful country?
I love America. I’ve been to America. It’s a confused, angsty teenage country that doesn’t give a fuck what mom says, he’s staying out past one and shooting down mailboxes with dad’s .22. It solves its problems by punching things, throwing tantrums and not worrying about the next morning. My kind of country! Argh!
Tomorrow is Independence Day. America will be 319 years old (a rough estimate). Now, I know things aren’t going so well for America right now (Bush, terrorism, no health care, unemployment, Katrina fallout, Iraq, the sub-prime mortgage crisis, several unsolved child murders, Iran, racism, the election, flooding, wildfires, Mitt Romney) but that doesn’t mean they deserve any less a special day to celebrate all the good the country as produced over the years.
Case in point:
The hotdog. America may have not invented this tasty breakfast item, but God damn did they perfect it.
Six inches of shredded pig anus and cow face, wrapped in a lightly toasted bun is chock full of preservatives and chemicals that will light your testicles aflame with joy.
Best of all, the hotdog is portable. You can hold it firmly in your fist like the controls of a fighter jet.
Without America, we would be deprived of such a treat. For this I say, God Bless the USA.
My favorite way to celebrate the Fourth of July is to go to work, because I’m Canadian and we don’t celebrate it. The next day is always a hoot, watching a steady stream of fireworks accident reports on CNN.
Man in Cincinnati looses hand.
Roman Candles injures Greek woman.
Children blinded by propane BBQ explosion.
It’s a nonstop Darwin roller coaster. Destination: pain!
So to you Yanks I wish you the best on your Day of Independence. Even though Canada tried to upstage you by picking our national holiday (aptly titled ‘Canada Day’) three days before yours. It seemed to work for the first hundred or so years, when beaver pelts and canoes ruled supreme. Regardless, enjoy your hotdogs, fireworks, and watery beer. The world salutes you and your tragically comic attempts to solve our problems.
Play ball!
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Tags: All Blogs, america, andrew menzies, bush, Comedy, hot dog
Filed under All Blogs, Andrew's Blog |
4 Responses to “Freedom Blog: A Tribute to A Decent Nation”
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Scott Says:
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:52 pmYou make a blog about my country and still fail to mention me. You’re a shithead.
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bob Says:
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:55 pmWow. By the end of this I found myself with a hand over my heart and a tear in my eye, blinding me to any and all of America’s faults and leaving me with an unbridled patriotism for a land that isn’t even my own. I think I just fell into the melting pot!
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Michele Says:
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:28 pmI tell Morgan all the time my blood runs red, white and blue!
It does warm my heart to think of all the times we shot lit fire crackers and tossed them at each other or had wars with roman candles.
God Bless the USA indeed my friend!
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phoenix Says:
July 18th, 2008 at 8:23 pmstill, Canadians ARE funnier. Way. Thanks for proving it once again. Good stuff, cuzzie