Grand Theft Adulation
Posted on July 17th, 2008
Several days ago I blogged about Grand Theft Auto IV and how it is ruining my life.
I have since decided that there are a number of practices and facets of the Grand Theft Auto world that would translate well in to real life.
I present to you the best eleven of sixty-four I was able to come up with.
First and foremost the ability to be shot and killed, only to resurrect seconds later with just a small amount of your money taken as a penalty is certainly something I and other thrill seekers would enjoy immensely. Often times I have looked at a building and wondered, “Could I jump off that not die?”. A no-death law would make every answer to that question an emphatic “yes”.
The same goes for GTA’s policy regarding arrest. As it stands, if you are “busted” for say, shooting an old man in the knees or swinging a baseball bat at joggers in the park, you lose all of your weapons and are fined for a “bribe” for early release. This practice would work double for me, as I carry no weapons for which to confiscate, and bribing a state official has been a dream of mine since I learned about Abscam.
Speeding, running red lights, and other usually ticketable driving offences are ignored by police in the world of GTA. Not only would free reign of the road eliminate the worst drivers (they would be dead within hours of the law taking effect), it would also speed things up for those of us willing to risk our health in order to arrive five minutes early to a dentist appointment.
In Grand Theft Auto, a single elbow smash will destroy a car window. I would like to have this power.
Hot dog carts provide a major source of health regeneration. Think about this. Got a cold? Eat a hot dog. Suffering from Malaria? Eat a hot dog. Cancer? Eat two hot dogs.
I would love to fly airplanes. There’s something about the raw power of a low-flying Boeing that brings out the child in me. However as much I enjoy airplanes, I hate learning. I’m sure figuring out altitudes is difficult, which is why GTA’s simple learning curve of various heavy duty machines appeals to me. In GTA, you can jump in a vehicle and instantly you know how to operate it, no matter what your background. Somehow Carl Johnson, a poor urban teenager was able to fly a jetpack and a F16 airplane no problem. I, a poor rural adult, should be able to do the same thing.
Sleep is something that’s expendable in GTA universe. You “sleep” when you save the game, as time is advanced by six hours. I like this. Instantly, you get six hours of rest, wake up and are ready to go again. No dreams or nightmares about Henry Rollins. Just straight up shut-eye. I could get behind that!
I wish there were hidden packages in real life.
There are no children or pets in Grand Theft Auto. Whether this is due to programming issues or the sheer outcry that would come with the ability to shoot the children with shotguns is debatable, but the fact that there are no cats or people under five foot seven is an absolute joy. I hate kids, and really don’t like to see them in public. Cats also suck. I’m not against midgets or dogs. In fact I’d welcome both into a GTA world any day. But as far as felines and toddlers go no, not needed.
Gas the cats and hide the children until they’re of age.
In previous iterations, swimming was not allowed in the GTA world. This changed with San Andreas, and continues on with GTA IV. I say we revert to the days of old, and make water poison. If you jump waist-high water, you die. No swimming anywhere.
If you don’t like it, you can eat a hot dog.
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Tags: andrew menzies, apples, auto, babies, BASE jumping, blouin, bob woolsey, capitals, cats, change, death, fight club, grand theft, GTA IV, jump, life, murder, murders, niko bellic, sex crimes, word
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3 Responses to “Grand Theft Adulation”
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Scott Says:
July 17th, 2008 at 10:37 pm10
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Nick Says:
July 18th, 2008 at 10:32 amHide the children until they are of age – they did that in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang…. I still have nightmares about the royal ‘child snatcher’.
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Katherine Campbell Says:
September 6th, 2010 at 2:28 ami used to play Grand Theft Auto a lot but i kind of got busy these days so i dont play it anymore`”‘