Ways to Die

Posted on July 27th, 2008

If you are like me, you are afraid of dying.

However if you’re exactly like me, you are also interested and intrigued by the way in which you are going to go. 

I’ve compiled what I feel are the three best ways to die.

Now, I know a lot of you will inundate the comments with shouts of “Where is internal combustion?” and ”What about angina?”.  Well, a blogger can’t please everyone. I have tried to narrow the list to the pristine level of death: the top three ways I think one can exit this world.  If you’re somehow upset, hurt, or offended I excluded something you or a loved one may have or someday wish to endure, I am sorry.

And onto the death! 

Decapitation

Imagine: You’ve just purchased a brand new convertible. Leather interior, hot red; a sexy little bitch as it cruises down the coast. As you weave through the mountains, pristine shoreline to your right, you come across an apple stand. Wishing to support the local economy and enjoy a delicious treat, you purchase a crate of Granny Smiths. While enjoying a post-apple cigarette with the Mexican shop keep, three bandits roll up. They ask for your money, and are none too pleased when you present non-transferable coal and wheat bonds. Rickey, the lead bandit, takes a twelve-inch blade from beneath a sheath. He holds it to your neck and several rough snaps later, you’re eight pounds lighter… but it wasn’t the Atkins.

Are you familiar with the phrase, “Don’t lose your head.”? Well, with decapitation, you actually lose your head. 

The French had it right with the guillotine. They made it a public spectacle during the original “Reign of Terror”. A thief would be caught on Monday and guillotined on Tuesday. Lords and ladies alike would gather at the centre of town and await the weekly head parade. There’s something just special about the human head being removed from the body through nothing more than gravity and a sharp edge.

Falling to Death

Since the Gods have yet to grant me the Grand Theft Auto physics I so greatly deserve, I have come to the sullen realization that I will never fully enjoy a fifty-story free fall and live to tell about it. That is why FALLING TO YOUR DOOM has been included on the list.

Lots of people choose jumping off of bridges or buildings as a way of suicide. If you’re going to go, why not at sixty miles per hour with the wind flappin’ in your face? But this blog isn’t mean to celebrate suicide. It’s meant to celebrate accidental death.

Jumping to your death = Not on the list

Getting stabbed in the chest atop the Eiffel Tower, tripping over a guard rail and plunging to the cold grass below = On the list

Natural Causes

After an evening of Pay Per View wrestling and a six pack of Bud Light, you retire to your chamber to rest up before the next day’s lawn mowing. You asked your son to clean up his Tonka trucks but you know he isn’t going to do it until you’re revving up the mower and threatening to run them down. The wife is turning the pages of her Chatelaine too loudly and won’t flick the lamp so you can try to doze off before she‘s ready. Life sure sucks right now… but little do you know that you are about to die in your sleep. How, sir? Why, Natural Causes, of course!

The deadly killer, natural causes is an unpredictable beast. It can get you at any time. You don’t have to be sick, old, or even around something sharp to die. That it why this is perhaps the scariest death situation imaginable.

You never see it coming.

Honourable mentions

Knife to the face, forced drowning, heart attack, severe blood loss, toaster in bathtub, neck-snapping, crucifixion, scurvy, hit by a Go-Kart, knife to the groin, gout, gasoline tanker explosion, shot at during a robbery, terrorist activity, heart explodes after dance competition, stray bullet in a gang war, pumpkin bombed by the Green Goblin, liver cancer, infection after paper cut, broken leg, pummelled to death by wild animal, the plague, adult-onset diabetes

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Tags: andrew menzies, death
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5 Responses to “Ways to Die”

1. bob Says:
   July 28th, 2008 at 12:18 am

   Did you mean spontaneous combustion rather than internal combustion? Please clarify.

2. andrew Says:
   July 28th, 2008 at 12:25 am

   Spontaneous combustion isn’t real. Internal combustion is is like if someone shoves a flaming wooden stick down your throat and your insides catch fire.

   I will try to clarify next time.

3. bob Says:
   July 28th, 2008 at 12:28 am

   I don’t think that’s possible.

   Spontaneous combustion however is totally within the realm of possibility.

4. andrew Says:
   July 28th, 2008 at 12:34 am

   Fuck you! This is my blog.

   Get off my shit!

5. Meghan Says:
   July 28th, 2008 at 12:22 pm

   Funny blog. Funnier comments. Rock on, sirs.

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