Coffee Conundrum a.k.a. Stargh-bucks

Posted on August 24th, 2008

I’ve been inside of a Starbucks exactly six times.

Only one instance involved me purchasing a coffee. (The line at Tim Hortons was too long and I can’t go back to Blenz because I made a comment… look, this blog isn’t about me.)

It’s about Starbucks.

Generally I am very pleased when big corporations begin to go bankrupt. I’m not this big, anti-conglomerate socialist guy or anything; merely because I am a contrarian, and that applies to other people’s success.  “Why should your company be so big and powerful?  I will enjoy watching you burn.”

Baristas

Webster’s dictionary defines “barista” as “a person who works at the counter of a coffee shop”. Andrew’s dictionary describes a “barista” as “a fancy word for ‘register monkey’”.

I’m not going to slag on the people that work at the Bucks. It’s a job, a menial job still; however unlike other jobs, Starbucks seems to promote this kind of community, a lifestyle of sorts. Come sit in our designer chairs and drink your lattes and discuss the latest episode of “So You Think You Can Dance”.  Crap. Family meetings belong in the living room where mom can cry and dad can curse and little sister can ask you why everyone is yelling.

Bankrupting the Mexican Bean Farmer

Giant coffee chains are destroying an industry through price controlling and old-fashioned corporate bullying. Starbucks, Folgers, Nestle and Kraft are in bed with the government agencies in the United States and UK of which set the prices for bulk bean importing. Prices by the kilo are kept down, the firms are happy to pay less, and the farmers are struggling.

This should ignite rage, if not at least minor peeving.

Vanilla Bullshit

Coffee is coffee. Black, two and two, sweet and low. Maybe a tea. Hot chocolate or French Vanilla too.  But double frappeed mochas with whip cream and chocolate shavings is a fucking dessert cake, not a morning pick-me-up.

Who doesn’t like pie?  I see no hands going up, because everyone likes pie.  But we don’t drink grounded-pie milkshakes for breakfast. We could, but we don’t.

Case closed.

Final Arghs

I enjoy coffee as much as the next bastard. But nine dollar coffee, served by over-enthusiastic twenty-somethings in green aprons is not something I can get behind.

The next time you pass a Starbucks, find a heavy object which can be heaved through glass.

Tags: coffee, crap, giant corporate satan, mexican coffee industry, starbucks, suck
Filed under Andrew's Blog |

8 Responses to “Coffee Conundrum a.k.a. Stargh-bucks”

1. bob Says:
   August 24th, 2008 at 9:18 am

   Relax dude. It’s just coffee.

   I went to Starbucks the other day and I did not have a wonderful experience. The Barrista noticed my less than stellar mood at the time and gave me a free beverage coupon to be redeemed whenever I felt like. I was happy. It’s the little things like this that I like about Starbucks. It’s probably also the reason they’re going bankrupt. They give out more free stuff than any other company I know.

2. Meghan Says:
   August 24th, 2008 at 11:35 am

   I can assure you that nothing in Starbucks costs 9 dollars. Moreover, a “double frappeed mocha” not only doesn’t make sense, it doens’t even exist. That said, Starbucks is losing money because they’re trying too hard to be everything to everyone, have lost the trendiness that made them popular in the first place, and the average consumer can’t afford the expense. Especially in America, where the dollar is dwindling daily. Oh, and it’s a horrible company to work for. The perks (i.e. free stuff) is great, but I can’t pay rent with free coffee.

3. bob Says:
   August 24th, 2008 at 6:06 pm

   Whoa Meghan, are you trying to say that six visits (with only one being an actual business transaction) isn’t enough to form an unshakable opinion of an establishment?!

   You’re blowing my mind right now.

4. andrew Says:
   August 24th, 2008 at 6:40 pm

   I didn’t know this whole blog thing was serious business.

   Exaggerate for comedic effect + 12:30 AM = Fucked

5. bob Says:
   August 24th, 2008 at 7:00 pm

   Harden the fuck up, Menzies!

6. Scott Says:
   August 24th, 2008 at 7:32 pm

   blargh-bucks

7. Scott Says:
   August 24th, 2008 at 7:34 pm

   Oh, and I’m raising my hand because I don’t like pie.

8. Meghan Says:
   August 24th, 2008 at 7:39 pm

   I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.

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