HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I am mere hours away from attending a Halloween party at the Humphries household. Yes, that would be the household of one Nicholas Humphries. Director, friend and general Halloween efficienato. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that Nick and his sister are Halloween crazy. Lustful for Halloween even. So the expectations are high.
I should start by saying that I have a bit of a bad attitude when it comes to Halloween. I don’t often dress up. In fact, I don’t think I’ve sported a costume since I was about 14 years old. I’m the jerk at work who cynically criticizes the people who dress up on Halloween day. I stand in the corner, eat the food they bring in, and quietly mock their attempt at remaining young. But somewhere deep down in my black heart, I have a fond remembrance of Halloween and how I used to look forward to it.
Tags: astronaut, Batman, bob woolsey, costume, halloween, nasa, Nicholas Humphries, ninja turtle, statue of liberty
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Kick in the Head
featuring:
Jamie Slade as Randy
and
Stephen LeBail as Jake
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, head, Jamie Slade, kick, list, stephen lebail, things to do before you die
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Ways the World Will End
I’m not going to lie: the world is going to end*.
If not today, then tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, then sometime in the distant future.
But today, I offer a jaunting reality check for those of you too lazy to accept this planet’s fate.
*Not be based on fact, rather years of pop culture consumption and irresponsibly speculation.
(The “YEAH” banner, usually reserved for positive posts, has been implemented to soften the blow of the truth that’s about to be revealed. I promise you, loyal readers, far fewer lies next time.)
Tags: 9/11, aliens, armageddon, asteroid, dawn of the dead, death, end of the world, mccain, obama, outbreak, palin, sarah palin, terminator, virus, zombies
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Bathroom = Ghoulish
It’s Halloween week here on bobandandrew.com and so I’ve decided to give you all some tips and pointers for one of the scariest places on Earth: The Bathroom.
I’m not talking about the public variety either, no, I’m talking about your common household bathroom. They’re small, damp, noisy and depending on the person responsible for the bathroom, extremely dirty. When you’re in the bathroom you’re at your most vulnerable. You’re often naked or in some degree of nakedness, performing an activity that can’t easily be stopped; perhaps with your pants around your ankles. This makes it very difficult to deal with any kind of situation while in the bathroom.
As a child I had a recurring nightmare wherein I was trapped between the toilet and the bathtub in such a position that made it impossible for me to move. I am mildly claustrophobic and thus this nightmare haunted me. I also found the loudness of the toilet as it flushed very alarming. I would do my business, go for the flush handle and run out of the bathroom as fast as possible for fear of some great monster erupting out of the violent flow of water disappearing into some unknown place. It was terrifying. Hence my deep seeded fear of the bathroom began. These, of course, were the outlandish fears of a child’s imagination. Today I fear much more practical things in the bathroom. Luckily for all of you, I have come up with contingency plans for all unexpected bathroom situations.
Tags: bathroom, bob woolsey, defense, floss, mirror, murder, safety, shower, statistics, toothbrush
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The Bob & Andrew Show: A Line to the Kremlin
This week on The Bob & Andrew Show, traffic, cellular phones, and the Kremlin are discussed.
And about 11 minutes in, Andrew says possibly the worst thing he’s ever said to Bob. Will he apologize? Does he even know he did anything wrong? Is Bob upset? There’s only one way to find out!
Click to play or download for you iPod.
Tags: 3g, 4g, cellular phones, homeless people, john daly, kremlin
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The Bob & Andrew Show: 12 Steps
This week, on a very special episode of The Bob & Andrew Show, Bob’s alcoholism has finally caught up with him, as he’s forced to face his demons.
Nah, we’re just messing with you. This episode is really an unabashedly offensive look at addiction and recovery, in which Andrew says many things that are crass and unfounded. Religion is kicked around, mounted, violated, and finally abandoned just outside the city limits.
Click to play or DOWNLOAD to your iPod.
Tags: 12 step program, AA, alchoholism, athiest, drunk, God, religion
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The Telegram
featuring:
Jamie Slade as Paul
Stephen LeBail as Gavin
and
Andrew Menzies as The Porter
Tags: andrew menzies, bare ass, bob woolsey, change room, Comedy, Jamie Slade, shower, sketch, stephen lebail, telegram, workout
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A Bob Woolsey Tribute to: Malfeasance
MALFEASANCE: wrongdoing or improper or dishonest conduct, especially by a person who holds public office or a position of trust - according to www.thefreedictionary.com
First of all, what a cool word: Malfeasance. I’m told it’s French. Surely a word as cool as this deserves a tribute. For all the crazy, incompetent, brash, exciting and just plain stupid things done under the banner of Malfeasance.
Malfeasance can manifest itself in many forms. For the purpose of this blog, I am going to explore malfeasance in its most broad of implications, defined above, rather than adhering to the strict legal definition of the word that I will not trouble you with. Therefore, what I am about to write about is probably not really malfeasance at all, but I like that word so lets see where this takes us, shall we?
ON WITH THE BLOG!
Tags: Alberta, Bill Clinton, bob woolsey, French, John Fraser, Latin, malfeasance, Monica Lewinsky, Nova Scotia, Sarah Oppenhiemer, Star Trek, Tunagate, Watergate
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Love Through a Window
featuring:
Stephen LeBail as Walter
Bob Woolsey as Albert
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, Love, public displays of affection, stephen lebail
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The Bob & Andrew Show: Road Rage and Racism
This week on The Bob & Andrew Show, Bob and Andrew reflect on Thanksgiving Day and it’s tradition of saying what you’re thankful for.
This leads Bob to consider things in life that he doesn’t understand, such as road rage, fighting, and racism.
Click to play or download for your iPod!
Tags: Barack Obama, blindness movie, head trauma, racism, road rage, thanksgiving
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Thanksgiving: Turkey & Knowledge, Together At Last!
Today is real Thanksgiving.
I say real because the Yanks also celebrate the rape and near-genocide of a people later in the year- towards the end of November. However Bob and I hail from Canada, so we shall pay tribute to the day of thanks today. Sunday, bloody Sunday!
So, gather the family around the computer- mom and dad, little sister Sally, Uncle Evan, Grandpa Joe, cousin Kevin’s “friend” Richard- and enjoy a celebration of Thanksgiving.
You may find this… most delicious!
Tags: pierre trudeau, thanksgiving, turkey
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Ex Girlfriend
featuring:
Stephen LeBail as Dan
Aaron Brooks as Chet
Lauren Martin as Wendy
and
Meghan Lightle as Mary
This is our 100th post. We’d like to thank the internet for allowing us to do this and all of you for making it fun.
Tags: aaron brooks, andrew menzies, bob woolsey, exgirlfriend, lauren martin, Meghan Lightle, Relationship, sketch, stephen lebail
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The Way of The Woman: Tame The Lady Without Rohypnal
This blog is not for the ladies. This blog for the men who want to get the ladies. (This blog is also for hunting enthusiasts, but I’ll get to you later.)
The goal of this blog is to turn you from Steve Urkle in to Stephan Urkell. Anything less and I will consider myself an utter failure.
The following six steps will help you master the female species and become a true player in every sense of the word.
So enough pig fuckin’. Let’s rumble.
Step One: Learn Charisma
Charisma is an intangible quality like vision or juggling that primarily shows the woman that you can hold a conversation.
Tags: dancing, dudes, macho man, man, manliness, threads
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Ode to Woman
featuring:
Jamie Slade as Patrick
Stephen LeBail as John
Andrew Menzies as Bob
and
Meghan Lightle as Anna
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, Jamie Slade, Meghan Lightle, poetry, Sexism, stephen lebail, Woman, workplace
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The Bob & Andrew Show: Electioneering 2008
This week on The Bob & Andrew Show, Bob and Andrew discuss the elections taking place on both sides of the 49th Parallel.
Sparked by Andrew’s theory on what it should take to be a lawyer, Bob and Andrew run the gauntlet of today’s politico landscape.
Click to listen or download for your iPod.
Tags: Barack Obama, canada, Clinton, election 2008, George W. Bush, green party, hitler, jack layton, Joe Biden, John Kerry, John McCain, lawyers, NDP, Ohio, Old man, roman law, sarah palin, stephan dion, stephen harper, swift boat, USA election
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Real Hard Language Time
Words are knowledge, and knowledge is power.
Not power in the sense of a rocket ship or steam engine or a chest-chop by professional wrestling legend Ric Flair, but power nonetheless. And to know language and how to circumvent it is crucial if you wish to communicate on Earth.
I’d like to offer up some helpful language tips, starting with the basics.
This is the American English alphabet.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The letters A E I O U and sometimes Y are vowels. The remaining letters- B C D F G H J K L M N P Q R S T V W X Z- are called consonants. Together they form words. Milk. Phosphorus. Jigger. These are words.
Sentences are made up of words. That was a sentence. And this one. And this one, too.
Phrases are little nuggets of word-strings, like sentences, that relate to other things. Often called idioms, they are most always nonsense but have been embedded in the vernacular and are universally understood.
Tags: cash cow, figure of speech, George W. Bush, idioms, turn of phrase, words
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Self-Loathing
Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought you yourself, “This is not what I wanted. You know God (if you do indeed exist, which I’m pretty sure you don’t) I don’t really agree with some of your choices here.” Well, you’re not alone. The fact is everyone wants to be someone else at one point or another. Whether that someone else is better looking, drives a faster car, has wittier jokes or is just plain better than you in every way, you envy them and you want to be them.
Don’t worry, it’s normal. We’re not supposed to talk about it, we’re supposed to love ourselves and treat ourselves with respect. When really all we want to do is jump off that ledge and hope to god reincarnation exists so we can have some hope of ending up as that person we’ve always wanted to be.
Sounds depressing, doesn’t it? Well it is. Here’s why:
Tags: bob woolsey, crystal meth, God, self loathing, steve blouin, the secret
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