Bathroom = Ghoulish
Posted on October 26th, 2008
It’s Halloween week here on bobandandrew.com and so I’ve decided to give you all some tips and pointers for one of the scariest places on Earth: The Bathroom.
I’m not talking about the public variety either, no, I’m talking about your common household bathroom. They’re small, damp, noisy and depending on the person responsible for the bathroom, extremely dirty. When you’re in the bathroom you’re at your most vulnerable. You’re often naked or in some degree of nakedness, performing an activity that can’t easily be stopped; perhaps with your pants around your ankles. This makes it very difficult to deal with any kind of situation while in the bathroom.
As a child I had a recurring nightmare wherein I was trapped between the toilet and the bathtub in such a position that made it impossible for me to move. I am mildly claustrophobic and thus this nightmare haunted me. I also found the loudness of the toilet as it flushed very alarming. I would do my business, go for the flush handle and run out of the bathroom as fast as possible for fear of some great monster erupting out of the violent flow of water disappearing into some unknown place. It was terrifying. Hence my deep seeded fear of the bathroom began. These, of course, were the outlandish fears of a child’s imagination. Today I fear much more practical things in the bathroom. Luckily for all of you, I have come up with contingency plans for all unexpected bathroom situations.
Dangerous Bathroom Situation #1:
I am taking a shower and someone tries to murder me.
This is a common one. When you’re in the shower you’re uniquely susceptible to a murderer’s attack. Especially if you’ve reached the stage in showering when you have to wash the shampoo out of your hair or the soap off your face. With your vision removed from having your face in the water and your hearing impaired from the loud sound of the water falling all around you, you’re pretty much a murderer’s wet dream. The solution: Always keep an eye out for the murderer’s attack. Wash yourself in short bursts of water, then quickly glance back at the door to see if it is still firmly shut as you left it. If indeed a murderer should make their way into your bathroom, the key line of defense is the shower curtain. Utilize it like a bull fighter uses their red thingy and wrap the murderer up before they have a chance to pounce. Once incapacitated, grab some floss, bind their hands and feet and promptly call the authorities.
Dangerous Bathroom Situation #2:
I am pooping on the toilet and someone tries to murder me.
Also a common bathroom worry. In this case you are even more vulnerable than in the shower as you no longer have the shower curtain defense available and your pants are around your ankles making you extremely immobile. Plus, you’re mid-poop, an activity that is extremely hard to stop once started. For this reason, always take one foot out of your pants when you sit down to poop. That way you can maneuver much more effectively should a murderer attack. Another defense strategy I encourage is keeping the plunger within arms reach. That way, if a murderer does make their way into the bathroom, you can beat them off with a handy weapon. Again, once incapacitated, grab some floss, bind their hands and feet and promptly call the authorities.
Dangerous Bathroom Situation #3:
I am brushing my teeth and someone tries to murder me.
This one is not as common since most murderers worth their salt will try to get you while your pooping or showering, but it has been known to be a worry. Particularly if you use an electric toothbrush as the sound can drown out the ruckus of a murderer trying you kill you. In this case, make sure to use the mirror to its full potential and keep an eye on your own backside. %90 of all bathroom murderers approach from behind. Secondly, like a prisoner in Folsom, keep the handle end of your toothbrush sharpened in case you need to use it as a weapon of self-defense. And again, once incapacitated, grab some floss, bind their hands and feet and promptly call the authorities.
I hope these defense strategies can help you asuage your fears of being in the bathroom as they have mine. The bathroom is a wonderful place of cleanliness and fragrance when you make it safe. Have a Happy Halloween everyone.
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Tags: bathroom, bob woolsey, defense, floss, mirror, murder, safety, shower, statistics, toothbrush
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4 Responses to “Bathroom = Ghoulish”
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Sol McGuinty Says:
October 27th, 2008 at 12:10 pmThat was a great read! Glad i put down the readers digest, called Helen in 204, strolled over and used computer.
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Nick Says:
October 27th, 2008 at 1:04 pmAnd once again the original, non-electric toothbrush triumphs over the latter, skull-vibrating model. Maybe a toothbrush would make a good halloween costume… hmmm…
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andrew Says:
October 27th, 2008 at 1:53 pmWe here at bobandandrew.com are strongly against bathroom murder.
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Brian Miller Says:
October 27th, 2008 at 5:03 pmGod damn, Robert. All of my bathroom homicide attempts this week have been thwarted by your handy dandy guide.
Guess I’m going to need a new hobby, now that you’ve busted the lid on this one.