Ways the World Will End
Posted on October 28th, 2008
I’m not going to lie: the world is going to end*.
If not today, then tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, then sometime in the distant future.
But today, I offer a jaunting reality check for those of you too lazy to accept this planet’s fate.
*Not be based on fact, rather years of pop culture consumption and irresponsibly speculation.
(The “YEAH” banner, usually reserved for positive posts, has been implemented to soften the blow of the truth that’s about to be revealed. I promise you, loyal readers, far fewer lies next time.)
And the list!
Way In Which The World Will End #1 -Asteroid
Look, we all know a giant asteroid is headed towards earth in March of 2880. And sure, you might say, “But that’s eight hundred years from now. What should I care? Everyone I know and love will dead!” Well, Captain Pessimist, let me remind you of the children. Do you want to see the children burn alive as the volcanoes erupt? Do you want to see your child’s head explode when a passing chunk of space rock shoots through their bedroom window? Didn’t think so!
The best way to combat a giant asteroid is to train roughneck oil workers to be astronauts and send them to the surface of the asteroid to drill a hole and plant a nuclear bomb to shatter the rock into millions of football sized pieces that will harmlessly pelt our planet without relent. This has been proven to work and will most likely be done last minute, maybe February 26 of 2880.
Way In Which The World Will End #2 -Machines Taking Over
Machines are scary. For one, they can often take the form of humans. And two, they’re everywhere.
Can opener. Fridge. iPod. Computer. Electric sex aid. Toaster oven.
Did I just blow your mind? Probably. We have to be weary of the machines, and ready to destroy them with pliers and hammers.
“DO NOT BECOME A MACHINE’S FRIEND.”
Way In Which The World Will End #3 -Aliens
If there’s one item on this list of terror, the one humans are most prepared to combat, it is an alien invasion.
Earth-people (re: humans) are really good at killing each other. We have nuclear arms, tanks, guns, rockets and lots of other expensive shit that will explode and ruin families. If the time comes when little green men descend from the sky, we as a people will be ready to forgo diplomatic negotiation and murder them without regard.
Way In Which The World Will End #4 -Virus/Zombies
The evidence is massive: Dawn of the Dead, The Day of the Dead, The Night of the Living Dead… zombies- created either from the “no more room in hell” theory or even a mere smallpox outbreak- would cripple the economy.
Zombies eat necks and reproduce like poor white people from West Virginia. They can be both slow-walking or super fast modern zombies. It’s impossible to predict which version will attack first, so it’s best to set into motion the two step method of zombie disposal as soon as possible:
1. Separate the brain from the body.
2. Chill out in a mall.
If you’re elderly, a baby, or somehow physically challenged, well, you’re screwed. Those of us with two working legs and youthful vigor will be able to run and hide, while the undead feast on your brains.
Sorry, Grandma!
Way In Which The World Will End #5-Shitty American President
Old man and new hotness. Fine, we get it.
He’s a war hero and she looks like the aunt you harbour disgusting feelings for. But this is not the future, America. This is terrible.
Terrible terrible terrible.
I’m not endorsing Barack Obama. In fact both candidates are backed by some of the same corporate lobbies and have voted for and against bills they’ve recently come out for or against. But since there’s no Jack Layton in America, you might as well pick the guy who seems hip and isn’t in his seventies.
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Tags: 9/11, aliens, armageddon, asteroid, dawn of the dead, death, end of the world, mccain, obama, outbreak, palin, sarah palin, terminator, virus, zombies
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2 Responses to “Ways the World Will End”
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bob Says:
October 28th, 2008 at 2:26 pmWow. I’m going to start hoarding and becoming an expert in judo immediately!
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Nick Says:
October 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pmMaybe the poor white people from West Virgina actually ARE zombies!!!????!!!! Take that brain and snack on it!