The Bob and Andrew Show: A Star Wars Sex Talk
This week on The Bob & Andrew Show, Bob and Andrew discuss which wild animals would be the best to keep as pets, and Bob recounts his experience with the bible.
Things get a little blue when the topic of the Star Wars is brought up. Bob thinks Chewbacca might be gay. What does Andrew think? There’s only one way to find out…
Click play to listen or download for your iPod.
Tags: andrew menzies, bear, bible, bob woolsey, catholic, dave menzies, Gay, Jesus, marriage, pet, pigeon, sex talk, shark, star wars, swallow, terry wharburton, uncle mike
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2009: A Harder Look Ahead
There is nothing finer a man can do than to rip off another man’s work so blatantly and without remorse.
Today I oblige by thieving from my cohort and often times partner in crime Bob Woolsey, whom several hours ago made bold predictions about the upcoming year of our Lord, 2009.
I was born February 16th, 1985, on the same pool table in Newark, N.J. where I was conceived. In grade four I got an award for a short story I wrote, mostly because I was the only child to submit theirs into the contest. I worked at McDonalds for two and a half years, never felt any real trauma or pain in my childhood, and graduated high school with mediocre grades and aspirations. Oh, and when I was three I fell down a flight of stairs and cut my chin on a vase. Nineteen years later I fell down a similar flight of stairs while stoned out of my mind looking for a vase to put stolen flowers in. I guess you could say my life has come full circle.
So it is with great accomplishments already behind me that I look forward to 2009 and the challenge of going farther. Further? Farther? Fuck. Let’s just look ahead.
Tags: Barack Obama, bob woolsey, bourne identity, david bowie, italians, male heir, marriage, monkey, newark, vase
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2009: A Look Ahead
I think it’s important to treat each new year as an opportunity. I believe the Christians do a good job of conceptualizing this by calling each new year God’s year, a year he hath made for you and me to enjoy. Too bad they’ve done nothing but hold the world back for 2000 years. Now that my insult of mainstream religion is out of the way, let’s talk a bit about my hopes and dreams for the year ahead.
Since I was born on September 28th, 1983 I have steadily been progressing as a person. In the beginning I couldn’t even walk, talk or do basic calculations. But through hard work, a positive outlook and my unrelenting desire to better myself I slowly overcame the challenges of being a baby and am now a fully grown adult. There have been many milestones along the way, many occasions. I was named fire chief for a day in kindergarten, I came in second place in a speech contest in grade 1, I won a spot as a junior fire fighter for the forest service the summer after grade 12, just last year I finally buckled down and learned the guitar – I suck, but I have campfire skills, and more recently I was awarded along with one Andrew Menzies, the best Sitcom writing team award from the prestigious Vancouver Film School’s Writing for Film and Television program in late 2005.
So it is with great accomplishments already behind me that I look forward to 2009 and the challenge of going farther. Let’s look ahead.
Tags: 2009, andrew menzies, astronaut, BC forest service, bob woolsey, crock pot, fire fighter, helicopter, hernia, john grisham, kraft dinner, nasa, new year, plans, pne, roast, robert pattison, september 28th 1983, sharks, stephen lebail, twilight, vancouver film school, writing for film and television
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Things Hip Hop Music Has Taught Me
I like hip hop. Granted I wear a belt with my pants and despise uncurved baseball hats, but I do enjoy it when an MC steps to the mic like a phantom and drops lyrics that could skin a cat.
For years I was confused about the difference between “rap” and “hip hop”.
What are the fundamental anomalies? Is there a clear line between the two? Who is Funkmaster Flex?
I suppose I could have investigated the issue, perhaps asked around. Instead, I just made up my own mind and defined the rule as it stands to me. Because really, musical taste is a tricky bitch. We all like different things; a lot of people probably hate your favorite band and the sooner you understand that the better off you’ll be. So why now make up your facts?
This is my hypothesis: Rap is money/hoes/guns. Hip hop is about the beats and the musicianship. It’s soulful and poetic.
Hip hop is also about guidance, leadership and life lessons.
Tags: beastie boys, bob woolsey, eminem, eric b and rakim, George Bush, hip hop, immortal technique, jay z, ludacris, Mos Def, public enemy, rage against the machine, rap, rehab, run DMC, talib kweli, white kids
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Childhood
As some of you may or may not have heard on the latest Bob and Andrew show podcast, I am thoroughly amused by childhood stories of trauma and upheaval. Mostly because these stories, when translated into adulthood, seem quite innocent and inconsequential. When Andrew told me the story if his pet bird Buddy dying during a family dinner I laughed heartily. Not because I enjoy small children crying, but rather because of the inherent naivety within the story. When you’re a kid everything seems so important. If an adult, especially a parent, makes a point of something, you latch onto it and herald it as some kind of important human gem that needs guarding and attention. I bet the young Menzies children held Buddy in just this kind of esteem.
They probably took turns feeding him and cleaning his cage, playing with him and talking to him. Buddy, being a bird, was oblivious to this of course and most likely spent his days wondering how long he’d have to spend as their captive. While the little Menzies were loving Buddy, he was scratching off the days on the wall of his cage and doing birdy chin ups. Regardless of the details, I think this situation with Buddy is the perfect metaphor for childhood. When you’re a kid you think the world is pure, orderly and important. The world however, is indifferent, chaotic and down right nasty. It’s only when events like Buddy’s death happen that you begin to learn about the true cruelty that lies beyond the playground.
I would like to recount for you now some of my most alarming and enlightening childhood traumas. Come along.
Tags: andrew menzies, Buddy the Bird, childhood, Dolphins, elementary school, Jesus, Life Lessons, Mrs DeLougas, Mrs Lang, parkland, Pets, pinecrest, school, Steven Richardson
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The Bob and Andrew Show: Buddy’s Dead!
This week on The Bob & Andrew Show, it’s a jam packed half hour of comedy covering a cavalcade of topics, including, but not limited to: Haircuts, lying, Bulgaria, hitting on women, Craig’s List, racism, the Discovery Channel, talking monkeys, regular monkeys, Ice Cube, and cocaine.
Also, Andrew recalls the most traumatic moment of his life.
Click to listen or download for your iPod.
Tags: bidem, buddy, bulgaria, craig's list, gaff, obama, putin, russia
Filed under Podcast | 16 Comments »
Andrew as Leader 2: Squash the Uprising
Last week I outlined my plan to unite North America into a single nation, whimsically dubbed “Canmerico”.
I promised to legalize gay marriage, disband the navy, and publicly beat up Fred Phelps. Reactions were mixed.
Some argued that my strategies for gaining control of the government were in direct conflict to the freedom I wished to grant. Those people are jerks and should be ashamed of themselves.
Like any good dictator, I am back with a second wave. Below are further plans to maximize democracy and show the rest of the world how to rock the shit.
Tags: andrew menzies, bad religion, boobs, bush, canada, canmerico, cheney, coup, day care, facism, forceable action takent against dissenters, foreign police, hanged, hitler, kyoto accord, marx, mexico, NAFTA, nato, NORAD, politco, ponytail, rove, sputnik, stalin, steven segal, unite North America, USA, war crimes, war criminal
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The Excuse
featuring:
Sean Gilchrist as Marty
Charlotte Chanler as Lana
and
Andrew Menzies as Himself
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, charlotte chanler, Comedy, excuse, liar, lie, party, sean gilchrist, shot in the face, sketch
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Andrew as Leader
While I am not an American citizen or even technically a Canadian citizen (off the grid, baby), I do fashion myself a politico-space monkey capable of making a decision or two.
And I’ve decided that it would be best for North America if all three countries folded into one nation, to be ruled over by a supreme power of unrelenting fear. Me.
I know the jargon. I have the swagger. I possess the gab. I can lead a nation. I will lead a nation. These nations!
So come with me, please, as I take you on a journey of the policies and practices I would implement as captain of the ship, leader of the band, Toucan of the Sam.
Tags: canada, fred phelps, gay marriage, legalization, marijuana, NAFTA, no more navy, prop 8, super-power, USA
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The Bob and Andrew Show: Obama Poops
This week on The Bob & Andrew Show, Bob and Andrew reflect on Barack Obama’s historic presidential win. They discuss the implications on race relations and policy reform. And for the second week in a row, Andrew makes reference to a child running head first into a boat motor.
Count how many times Bob and Andrew say “shit” this week. You’ll be surprised.
Click to play or download for your iPod.
Tags: Barack Obama, election 2008, sarah palin, toilet
Filed under Podcast | 5 Comments »
Dear Starbucks,
Several moons ago I made outlandish hate speech regarding the corporate coffee apparatus known by the proletariat as The Starbucks.
I suggested that Starbucks was inherently evil, due to its gross popularity, bean-business, and fashioning of a pseudo-elitist culture.
I may have over-stepped my bounds.
I would like to issue a formal apology on this Internet, and ask that Starbucks and its customers forgive my rash and thoughtless denouncement.
I am truly sorry.
Tags: bean, coffee, revolution, starbucks
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The Bob and Andrew Show: Remembrance Day
This week on The Bob & Andrew Show, the lads contemplate the approaching Remembrance Day, a time in which Canadians gather together to celebrate the sacrifices veterans have made over the past century and a half.
Human puppets and Dutch Rudders are also touched upon.
Download for your iPod or click below to play!
Tags: dutch rudder, gulf war, memorial day, poppy, Remembrance Day
Filed under Podcast | 4 Comments »
Intolerance is Gay
The English Dictionary defines intolerance as “a lack of toleration”. Wait. Son of a whore!
The English Dictionary defines “tolerance” as “a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc. differ from one’s own”.
So to be “intolerant” or to “not tolerate” means that one holds attitudes and opinions against others whose lifestyle differs from his or her own.
Being a straight white male under thirty is a pretty sweet gig. I have never experienced sexism, racism, or even ageism in my entire life. Sure, there was that one instance when this guy threw a tennis ball at my face, but I’m fairly certain that was because he caught me sifting through his picnic basket.
I only took two pears and a roast beef sandwich. Don’t know why his daughter was crying.
Tags: black people, gays, hate crime, intolerance, jews, malcolm x, muslims, the government, white people
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The Internet
featuring:
Bob as The Fisherman
Aaron Brooks as Internet Guy
and
Lauren Martin as Internet Girl
Tags: aaron brooks, andrew menzies, bob woolsey, election, internet, intolerance, lauren martin, results, sketch comedy
Filed under Videos | 2 Comments »
Internet Celebrity
Sometime in the ’80s a couple of geeks decided to link their computers together. Yada, yada, yada, then the internet came along. Soon after this people began to ‘post’ things using this new medium. Opinions, thoughts, criticisms and conspiracy theories soon began to reach the masses with little to no filter. Almost immediately the pros and cons of this phenomenon were apparent. On one hand, people could share their view points and engage in meaningful discussions much more easily. On the other hand, idiots with no educational background in anything were able to make grandiose claims, attack people behind a shield of anonymity known as the ’screen name’, and generally be douche bags on a large scale.
It’s these people that I want to talk about today.
Tags: celebrity, internet, kevjumba, perez hilton, pruane2forever, shot at love, the bachelor, tila tequila, youtube
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