Dear Starbucks,

Posted on November 10th, 2008

Several moons ago I made outlandish hate speech regarding the corporate coffee apparatus known by the proletariat as The Starbucks.

I suggested that Starbucks was inherently evil, due to its gross popularity, bean-business, and fashioning of a pseudo-elitist culture.

I may have over-stepped my bounds.

I would like to issue a formal apology on this Internet, and ask that Starbucks and its customers forgive my rash and thoughtless denouncement.

I am truly sorry.

It’s not often I admit I am wrong. I’m more prone to ignoring the truth and walking away from an argument when it appears my beliefs have been proved incorrect. But for me to step forward, admit my mistake, well I hasten to call this a substantial psychological breakthrough but I believe I have had one.

For my former fellow anti-Bucks revolutionaries, I am sorry. Jorge, Samantha, Little Carlos, Daniel B and Daniel R., Katherine… you were true friends. And Ricardo, for you, I must admit my heart was never in it. Sure we stayed up many a late night printing information pamphlets, filling Molotov cocktails and kidnapping regional sales reps, but I’ve lost the fight. I will miss your smile and your tender, tender caress.

Truth is, I have been corrupted.

Meghan Lightle, bobandandrew.com blogger and resident token white girl, introduced me to Starbucks with the soothing encouragement and sly candor of a crack dealer. One sip of my tall vanilla latte and I could feel a warm swelling in my nether-region.

Last night I woke up in the streets, twitching uncontrollably. My shirt was covered in a light beige liquid. My wallet was gone and I had a torn barista apron tied around my head like a bandanna. Oh, and my lower back was in excruciating pain, which leads me to believe I briefly fell back into male prostitution.

Where the hell are my socks?

And why I do I feel empty inside?

Related posts:

1. Coffee Conundrum a.k.a. Stargh-bucks

Tags: bean, coffee, revolution, starbucks
Filed under All Blogs, Andrew's Blog |

2 Responses to “Dear Starbucks,”

1. bob Says:
   November 12th, 2008 at 4:13 pm

   Hypocrite.

2. Scott Says:
   November 12th, 2008 at 5:31 pm

   cunts

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