Terry Joseph Wharburton: A Christmas Interview
Posted on December 18th, 2008
We here at bobandandrew.com are decidedly pro-Christmas. We love Christmas so much we devoted an entire week of content to the holiday (instead of one measly little day like the Christians do).
However, not everyone loves Christmas.
Terry Joseph Wharburton, producer for the weekly podcast hammer “The Bob & Andrew Show”, recently blogged about Christmas. While nothing remotely interesting was said, Bob and I were both intrigued by Terry’s under-laying disdain for the holiday.
I sat down with Terry to get his true feelings on the Christmas season.
bobandandrew.com: Thanks for doing this, Terry.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: My pleasure. I have no where else to be.
bobandandrew.com: Your blog was pathetic and morose. Why do you act the way you do? Are you suicidal? Do you hate Christmas?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: No, I never said–
bobandandrew.com: You obviously have a deep depression about the holiday season. Does Santa make you sad?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: I used to dress up as Santa on Christmas morning for my kids.
bobandandrew.com: Really?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: Yeah, a couple times in the 1980s. My second son, the regular one, he really liked to hug Santa. I got jealous of that mall prick so I bought a suit from Sally Ann. He loved it. He would always run up and grab my boot straps, shouting “Santa I love you!”. I’d let him sit on my lap as he opened his gifts. Really loved that red hat. Heck, I’d keep the suit on most of the day. One time I had turkey dinner in it. My son started to ask “Where’s papa?”, so I went into the bathroom and changed back into my overalls and slippers. When I came back in the room he started to cry because Santa had left.
bobandandrew.com: What did you other kids think of it?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: My eldest, Greta, she always saw through it. She tried to make me break character, asking me complex questions about sleighs and reindeer and such. If I didn’t knock her around a bit she would have ruined it for Josh and Rico. Rico was the retarded one.
bobandandrew.com: That’s not the correct term, Terry.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: It’s on his birth certificate. Do you want to see it?
bobandandrew.com: No.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: Can I get something to eat? You guys promised me a meal.
bobandandrew.com: After the interview, Terry.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: Okay.
bobandandrew.com: So when did your wife leave you?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: 1993. Well, the most recent wife.
bobandandrew.com: Was that at Christmas?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: No, the second week of July. I tossed a firecracker into her bed while she was sleeping. Didn’t much care for that gag.
bobandandrew.com: You could have seriously hurt her.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: (laughing) Yeah, but it was fuckin’ funny at the time!
bobandandrew.com: I don’t understand how that’s at all funny.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: You had to be there.
bobandandrew.com: Don’t you like presents?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: Sure.
bobandandrew.com: What about snow?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: My truck runs well in the snow.
bobandandrew.com: Are you paying attention?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: I fancy myself a man of God.
bobandandrew.com: I want to switch gears and ask you about Ringers.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: No, I don’t talk about Alberta.
bobandandrew.com: What happened at Ringers Tavern in 1982?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: No.
bobandandrew.com: Terry, come on. This is between friends.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: I will NEVER talk about that. We’re done here!
bobandandrew.com: If you leave now, you don’t get your sandwich.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: Really?
bobandandrew.com: Answer the question and we’ll buy you a BLT.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: And a Coke?
bobandandrew.com: No drink.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: Deal.
bobandandrew.com: So, Terry, it’s 1982. You’ve been tending bar at Calgary’s Ringers Tavern for about two years. Fresh off the farm, young man in a big city. Must have been exciting.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: Yeah… yeah.
bobandandrew.com: What happened?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: Well, shit, I never thought I’d have to talk about this, but… Christmas eve, 1982. Ringers has this annual karaoke contest the night before Christmas. Just carols. Big turn out, lots of door prizes. Anyways, we’re coming up on last call, and this big meat truck, brick shithouse son of a gun is fuckered. Really drunk, falling on his ass. His whole party- college kids, mostly- are having a ball, laughing him and egging him on. Up on stage, this sweet little thing is singing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful”. She had range, but no emotion. Either way, he gets the idea that she needs a duet. So he stumbles up on stage. I’m sitting behind the bar pouring double whiskey ryes for Old Jack Swinagin, a real meat truck, brick shithouse son of a–
bobandandrew.com: Terry, you already described what I assume is the principle antagonist in that same exact way. It’s poor storytelling.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: I don’t know what a lot of those words mean. (long pause) So he gets on stage and grabs the girl, swings her about. She’s scared. He’s just trying to kiss her. His table loves it. Couple of other guys get up on the stage and they start passing her back and forth. Can’t stand for this, I thought. I go under the bar for my knife, but low and behold someone had tossed it in the dumpster the night before. How I knew this fact, I forget exactly. Knife wasn’t there is my God damn point. I know I had to do something. Can’t let a sweet girl get pushed around like that. I roll up my sleeves, tighten my apron, and get ready to dance. I climb on stage and tell the three guys to get to moving. The girl manages to run off, right to Old Jack Swinagin, a real meat truck, brick shithouse son of a–
bobandandrew.com: Terry!
Terry Joseph Wharburton: The first guy, the biggest guy, he grabs my collar. Asks if I’d like to dine in hell. And I’m thinking, “What does that mean?”. So I spit in his face. The other two kick over the karaoke machine. The music stops. The whole bar looks at us. The big guy punches me right in the jaw. I hit the ground. They all start kicking at me. A couple of regulars, Brent McCreary, Bastard Johnny, Sue-Kimo and Old Jack Swinagin rush the stage. They start pulling the college boys off, and an all out bar fight erupts. It was fast as lightning, as suddenly a man in the back attacked and they all collapsed. As the song goes. Irregardless, it’s a good thirty, forty minute fight. And back in those days, in 1982, it took the Mounties a long ass while to come out to a bar call. The place clears out, I sweet talk the cops, and we close down Riggers after one fuck of a rumble.
bobandandrew.com: That’s quite the story, Terry, but it doesn’t seem like a simple bar fight is enough to make a man truly hate Christmas.
Terry Joseph Wharburton: Yeah but the next day those college kids and a bunch of their friends came over to my apartment and sodomized me with a broom handle.
bobandandrew.com: Wh… what?
Terry Joseph Wharburton: And that’s why I hate Christmas. Can I get that sandwich now?
Tags: anti-Christmas, bar fight, Calgary, contrarian, Ringers, Terry Joseph Wharburton
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2 Responses to “Terry Joseph Wharburton: A Christmas Interview”
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Scott Says:
December 18th, 2008 at 7:12 pmWhat a touching tale.
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bob Says:
December 19th, 2008 at 12:19 pmI wouldn’t call Terry courageous, but he’s something.