My Death List
Some months ago, Bob and I pondered death and death lists in the acclaimed Internet sketch, Kick in the Head .
While death is terrible, making and seeking out a death list is not. I hope the "YEAH" banner satisfies you.
Here is my death list.
1. Build a boat.
2. Bake a comically large pizza.
3. Be in a position to donate to charity.
4. Do cocaine with Pat O’Brien. Preferably off of Mary Hart.
Tags: death list, diablo cody, kick in the head, revenge
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B&A Show: Las Vegas and the Oscars
Bob and Andrew discuss Bob’s recent trip to Las Vegas as well as Andrew’s disdain for the Oscars.
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, casino, hatred, las vegas, new york new york, oscar
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Robot
Directed by Darren Borrowman
featuring:
Bob as Scientist
Stephen LeBail as Robot
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, darren borrowman, funny, Robot, science fiction, sketch comedy, sodomy, stephen lebail
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Marriage: Thank You, NO.
Ah, marriage. The splendid union between a man and a woman, a woman and a woman, or a man and a man. The most happiest day of two peoples’ lives celebrated with kith and kin, not soon to be forgotten in the hallmarks of the times.
Marriage is stupid.
Let’s look at the facts: 50% of marriages end in divorce. I didn’t research this statistic nor do I care to, but it seems more than reasonable. If going in to something that has a 50/50 chance of failure, what’s the point? I feel the same way about checkers as I do about marriage.
Second point: marriage is stupid. If you love someone, why do you need to throw a giant party and buy a couple of shiny rocks to prove it? Invest in mutual funds and take a trip some place warm. That’s how you celebrate love. Or buy a boat and name it after your significant lover.
“The S.S. Bob Woolsey sank today. All 375 on board perished in the icy waters of the Adriatic Sea. Human error is to blame.”
Tags: andrew menzies, argh, beatles, breathing, divorce, marriage, puppys, Scooter Browne, Shakespeare, Wedding
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The Best Land Mammals
The Animal Kingdom is the most dangerous kingdom.
In the Animal Kingdom, there is no rule of law. There is no schools, is no churches, is no grocery stores. You gotta fight to survive.
Every animal for herself.
I am here today to count down the top three land animals based on a detailed flow-chart of various factors. However, the flow-chart was damaged in transport therefor I cannot show it to you. You’ll just have to take my word that it was an intricate and complex flow-chart that would have illustrated my points quickly and concisely.
Now, some of you might say ranking the best land mammals is a fruitless and trite waste of time. I have no immediate defense for such accusations. Seriously, why you gotta go breaking my balls like that?
Tags: andrew, antelope, grizzly bear, hamster, human, marmot, neutral, squirrel, wolverine
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Birthday Happy, Andrew
I don’t mean to toot my own horn but since no one else seems to want to, I’m left to celebrate my birthday via blogging.
Today I am twenty-four years old. Older than Super Nintendo, younger than the World Trade Towers.
I’ve got more years on me than Mickey Rourke’s chin, but less than Cher’s tits.
Twenty-four years. Woopity doo.
I burst through the vagina at exactly 4:44 PM, February 16th, 1985 (consult your Almanacs). I was greasy and irey: thespians will recognize this as foreshadowing. A welcomed changed from months in the womb, I was a stand-out example of what a baby should be. What a baby can be.
Did you bring a coat? Good, cause I’m about to take you on a journey.
Tags: 1985, 24, 9/11, andrew menzies, biggie smalls, birthday, bob woolsey, cher's tits, Neil Young, tupac, vaginal birthing
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The Bob & Andrew Show: John Hodgman’s Duck
The evolution of a sketch – part one.
Bob and Andrew describe their working relationship. They read a sketch that Andrew wrote which will be shot and posted to the website down the line.
http://www.myspace.com/deltaspirit – check them out if they’re coming to a city near you. They put on a great show!
Tags: andrew menzies, Bob and Andrew show, bob woolsey, delta spirit, duck, how to write, john hodgman, sketch comedy, weekend, writing process
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Tetris
I am not a gamer by any means. I do not own a gaming console. My computer has never been sullied by having a game’s filthy information installed on its pristine hard drive. I do not spend hours online talking dirty to people I’ve never met while navigating the planes of Azeroth, nor do I comment on message boards with speculation as to what the next Star Wars game will entail while my Mom yells at me to come upstairs for dinner. I’m a simple man with simple tastes.
On the other hand, I have been known to obsessively play the most brilliant piece of pass-time programming ever created: Tetris.
That is until recently when I discovered a startling fact about myself. I have all of a sudden lost all skill for the game of Tetris. I woke up one morning and sucked at the game I have held so dear for so long. It’s been a devastating epiphany that I have struggled to deal with.
Come now as I illustrate my journey from one time Tetris terrific-o to current day Tetris terrible-o.
Tags: bob woolsey, chris hansen, More Stuff!, Sexism, tetris
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No Computer
Tags: anarchy, internet, no computer
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The Bob and Andrew Show: Update
Andrew and I thought we’d try something new and do some Vlogs instead of podcasts for a while. Here is our first. It’s kinda scrambled as we didn’t so much have a plan about how we were going to do this, we neglected to plan our “exit strategy,” if you will. We promise better ones later.
“Don’t Call Me Zombie” Screening Friday, February 13th in Vancouver. Email Bob or Andrew for details if you want to attend. View the Zombie page here: http://www.bobandandrew.com/short-fil…
bobandandrew.com live at the Wise Hall on March 4th. Tickets $20, all proceeds go to charity. No, we will not actually be working for beer.
Also, that is the wrong Youtube URL at the end of the video. It’s supposed to be youtube.com/BobandAndrewShow. No underscores.
ROCK!
Tags: andrew menzies, Bob and Andrew show, bob woolsey, live show, mylie cyrus, Nicholas Humphries, racist, update, wise hall
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Heartbreak
Directed by Nicholas Humphries
featuring:
Stephen LeBail as Hearbroken Man
Tags: alley, andrew menzies, bob woolsey, depression, Heartbreak, Nicholas Humphries, Relationship, stephen lebail, yelling
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I have made a huge mistake
The last half of 2008 was a tumultuous time for me. I changed as a person, that’s for sure.
And when I look back on it, I think of what a mistake I made. I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself and am just now able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted with what I see.
But today, through the power of words, I am here to make amends. To talk through my emotional strife, in an attempt to perhaps find comfort, solace, an understanding. Hopefully my tale of woe can serve as warning to you, the reader. This may not be the appropriate forum for the trail of emotions I’m about to spill, but since I own 39% of this website, I feel I have a right to my caustic flow. I hope my troubles can serve a cautionary tale.
And we begin.
Tags: cocaine, dumped, GTA IV, huge mistake
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Kids: Pros and Cons
Children, I’m told, are our future.
They are the progeny of our race. As animals, some might say that it is Humankind’s sole purpose to create them and propagate our species. Others would say that we have moved beyond this basic savage need to a more enlightened sensibility. Either way, children are everywhere.
I’m sure you’ve seen them around. They are the portion of our populace that is between birth and puberty. They’re short, dim witted little things that are unusually cute and annoyingly loud. Don’t be fooled by these simpletons outward appearance, however. Although they possess welcoming, warm little faces with big eyes and pudgy cheeks they are burdens to society. You see, their underdeveloped brains and puny bodies make them unable to clothe, feed or sometimes even go to the bathroom by themselves.
All of this raises the question: why do we even have children in the first place? The joys of sexual intercourse, perhaps? But we’ve developed contraceptives so that we can still engage in a little nookie without risk of conceiving a child. On the other hand, there must be benefits to the challenging endeavor of rearing young. Surely people do it for a thought-out reason of some kind.
Let’s explore the pros and cons, shall we?
Tags: bearing young, bob woolsey, children, kids, list, pros and cons
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A Tribute to Bush: Part One
Enough time has passed to allow the collective conscious to breath a sign of relief, to exhale on what has been a tumultuous eight years under the reign of the American leader who brought us into the twenty-first century: George Walker Bush.
President. Hawk. Boot-stomper.
Bush was many things: A thief. A liar. A war criminal. But apart from sending young men and women into the desert to die on a God damn lie, Bush accomplished many, many great things that will stay with the world until time stops.
Today, we take a look back at the legacy George W. Bush.
Tags: 9/11, Barack Obama, economy, George Bush, iraq, show throwing
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The Lunch Break
featuring:
Charlotte Chanler as Carly
Sean Gilchrist as Geoff
and
Bob as Greg
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, charlotte chanler, childhood, Comedy, jump rope, lunch break, play ground, sean gilchrist, sketch, skip rope
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