Kids: Pros and Cons

Posted on February 4th, 2009

Children, I’m told, are our future.

They are the progeny of our race. As animals, some might say that it is Humankind’s sole purpose to create them and propagate our species. Others would say that we have moved beyond this basic savage need to a more enlightened sensibility. Either way, children are everywhere.

I’m sure you’ve seen them around. They are the portion of our populace that is between birth and puberty. They’re short, dim witted little things that are unusually cute and annoyingly loud. Don’t be fooled by these simpletons outward appearance, however. Although they possess welcoming, warm little faces with big eyes and pudgy cheeks they are burdens to society. You see, their underdeveloped brains and puny bodies make them unable to clothe, feed or sometimes even go to the bathroom by themselves.

All of this raises the question: why do we even have children in the first place? The joys of sexual intercourse, perhaps? But we’ve developed contraceptives so that we can still engage in a little nookie without risk of conceiving a child. On the other hand, there must be benefits to the challenging endeavor of rearing young. Surely people do it for a thought-out reason of some kind.

Let’s explore the pros and cons, shall we?

We’ve already started to take a look at some of the cons so lets start there. Cons to having children:

• Noise. Children make so much noise in the beginning that many new parents become sleep deprived, irritable and even downright unable to function at times.

• Complete dependence. Children, as stated, are imbeciles. They cannot do basic tasks and as their parent, it becomes your responsibility to step in. These tasks even include wiping your child’s ass. Also, if you are not a smart enough parent, this dependence can last long beyond a child’s physical dependence stage and result in a prolonged emotional dependence. You may even find yourself at the age of 88 with your children still living at home, still raiding your fridge and even living off you financially. Beware the risk of dependence. This is a huge con to having children.

• Financial burden. This goes to the last con, but deserves a point of its own. Children cost money. They need things bought for them on a regular basis and are unable to earn money for themselves. Plus, if you are able to get rid of your children when they reach a mature age, you may be asked to support their education. This could count into the tens of thousands of dollars!

• Embarrassment. This is a technological age. Children, having known no other way of life, will take to new technologies much faster than you can ever hope to. Although they are small and do not know nearly as much about the world as you do, they will be able to run circles around you when it comes to new inventions. Beware.

• Stink. Children smell. Like, a lot. They puke, they poo, they pee themselves. It’s not pretty.

• Laws. Children have rights. You if you fail to provide them with shelter, food and other necessities or if you merely abandon them because you’ve changed your mind about having them – you will go to prison.

• No guarantees. There is no telling what kind of child you will give birth to. Your child may be ugly or even worse, a freak. Who knows if they will have a healthy social life or ever accomplish anything in their lives. The risk factor in having a child is definitely a con.

• The ‘No-Divorce’ clause. Once you’ve had children you will feel an overwhelming pressure to marry your mate. And if you are already married to this person you will feel an even greater pressure to stay with this person for the sake of the children. If you are unable to stay with the other parent of your children, society will judge you.

That pretty much covers the main problems with having a child. I should know, I was one. As far as the pros go, there are a few. Pros to having a child:

• Unconditional love*. For the first decade or so of a child’s life they will pretty much love you no matter what. Beware con number one though, they are noisy and will experience fits of rage and sadness. However, once these episodes have passed they will continue to love you.

• Free labor. Until they are considered adults by the court, children belong to you. As such, it is okay for you to give them work to do around your house. The beauty of it all is that you can write this slavery off as teaching the children a “work ethic” and developing “character.” This is why I highly recommend having children if you are a farmer of any kind. Or if you are a small country in need of a military force.

• Pride. There is a profound sense of accomplishment when you’ve made another living being. You can take your offspring around and show your friends. Children are a great hit at parties. People will come up to you and ask you about your child. They will be amazed as your child performs even the simplest of tasks. Even though the child is merely playing out its predetermined genetic coding, you will be able to take credit for nature’s brilliance without question.

• Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Now that both sides of the situation have been laid out, we should consider the variables around having a child. How do you find a suitable mate? When is a good time to copulate? How many times should you reproduce? Are there any prerequisites for having a child?

In short, all you really need to do is knock up the next chick you see and let nature take its course.

However, you can minimize many of the risks involved with having children if you are selective in this process. Once you’ve found an appropriate mate you’re going to want to assess this person’s parenting skills. The more adept your mate is at parenting, the more of that responsibility you can sluff off to them. In terms of timing, children are best enjoyed as a relatively young person. I would reccomend having children somewhere between the ages of 30 and 40. That way you will be able to reap the benefits of having children without having to sacrifice any of your 20s, yet your children will still be old enough to take care of you when you are an incontinent 80 year old.

So, best of luck in all things child related.

*Although children will provide you with unconditional love for the first decade or so of their life, any love provided after this time will be very, very conditional. It may even be affected by the way you treated the unconditional love early in the child’s life.

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Tags: bearing young, bob woolsey, children, kids, list, pros and cons
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6 Responses to “Kids: Pros and Cons”

1. Nick Says:
   February 4th, 2009 at 4:58 pm

   Noise, complete dependance, financial burden, embarassment, stink, and no guarantees… hmmm sounds just like every man i’ve ever met…

2. Dionne Says:
   February 4th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

   On the pros side, you can dress them up in funny outfits and mock them later in life. My family seems to have gotten a lot of joy out of that.

   Of course, you can also do that with dogs which have similar pros and cons, but whom you can leave for extended periods of time without worrying that they’ll stick their paw into a socket or consume something that will land them in the hospital and you in jail.

   Dogs are the way to go.

3. Chelsea Says:
   February 4th, 2009 at 5:28 pm

   Also on the pro side, I need everyone to have lots of kids so that I can get a job teaching them.

4. Sean Says:
   February 4th, 2009 at 8:17 pm

   But isn’t having a kid around a way to boost your self esteem? Think about it: You’re sitting there, watching a movie and the kid royally craps itself. You then say to yourself, “Well, at least I didn’t do THAT today.”
   Though kids are a drooling matrix of stain-potential, they do make (some of) us look a lot better by comparison. At least in our habits. They definitely got us beat on the whole cute thing. Unless you’re a midget or Asian, in which case you’ve got the whole cute thing going too.

   Wait, that’s not offensive, is it?

5. Sean Says:
   February 4th, 2009 at 8:20 pm

   I hope you didn’t cover that last bit in your blog. I was too lazy to read it. The title is all I saw. Something about kids, right?

6. Andy Says:
   February 5th, 2009 at 8:24 am

   “*Although children will provide you with unconditional love for the first decade or so of their life, any love provided after this time will be very, very conditional. It may even be affected by the way you treated the unconditional love early in the child’s life.”

   Now that I have a 12-year old, I am finding this statement to be increasingly, and depressingly, true. You are wise, Bob.

   (And by failing on my first attempt to post this, I prove your point about Con #4)

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