My Death List

Posted on February 28th, 2009

Some months ago, Bob and I pondered death and death lists in the acclaimed Internet sketch, Kick in the Head .

While death is terrible, making and seeking out a death list is not. I hope the "YEAH" banner satisfies you.

Here is my death list.

1. Build a boat.

2. Bake a comically large pizza.

3. Be in a position to donate to charity.

4. Do cocaine with Pat O’Brien. Preferably off of Mary Hart.

5. Cry on Opera. Physically, figuratively on her. Chest or shoulder; I have no preference.

6. Shave a dog into a Ninja Turtle .

7. Ship myself to someone in a large crate.

8. Sink a boat.

9. Purchase and maintain "bobandandrewsuck.com".

10. Convince Sean Minogue to stop bullying me.

11. Start a home brew. Name it "Woolsey Ale".

12. Attempt to dig to China; give up when electrocuted by buried power lines.

13. Two words: bank robbery.

14. Enter a marathon with the sole intention of punching other runners in the face.

15. Grow a Jesus beard.

16. Befriend an animal.

17. Direct a shot by shot remake of Chinatown… with dogs.

18. Operate the world’s largest protractor.

19. Watch all of the Star Wars.

20. Set "Operation Bob and Andrew crash a Hollywood awards show" into motion.

21. Invest in robotics.

22. Whittle something.

23. Learn to play the oboe; quit and start an anti-oboe movement.

24. Get a tattoo.

25. Finance a porno.

26. Attend a funeral.

27. Open a restaurant called "Restaurant".

28. Shoot a pistol.

29. Briefly change name to "Tibidious St. Jackson"

30. Dance in public, most likely at a parade or baseball game.

31. Drop the puck at an NHL game, but not in a ceremonial way; get my ref ticket and do it for keeps.

32. Go back to America when the charges are stayed.

33. Never purchase a Fleetwood Mac album.

34. Operate a crane.

35. Break up a fight.

36. Have an award or sandwich named after me.

37. Achieve baron status.

38. Grow a mustache.

39. Take flying lessons from Terry.

40. Revenge.

41. Name a child ‘Dandeneau’.

42. Bowl a 300 game. Presently I do not bowl.

43. Bake an erotic cake. Leave by the side of the road.

44. Motorcycle race.

45. Avenge.

46. Fly a hot air balloon.

47. Learn to fence.

48. Hunt quail.

49. Hunt bear.

50. Hunt moose.

51. Hunt deer.

52. Hunt man.

53. Write a play.

54. Attempt to break the land-speed record set by Adolph Hitler in 1933.

55. Be a contestant on Jeopardy. Draw a penis in place of my Final Jeopardy answer.

56. Start a propane fire.

57. Make a citizen’s arrest.

58. Testify as a character witness in court.

59. Take a bullet.

60. Start a gang.

61. Navigate a corn maze.

62. Steal Tony Gilroy’s Oscar from Diablo Cody.

63. Shake Frank Black’s hand.

64. Burn some bridges. Figuratively.

65. Seize the Diem.

66. Skydive.

67. Perform as a clown for a children’s birthday party.

68. Sing at least two songs with the original line up of Rush.

69. Kick-box a kangaroo.

70. Own and operate a successful tave.

71. Win an award.

72. Host a talk radio show in which I take song requests but then ridicule callers for not knowing the format of a talk radio program.

72. Learn Spanish just for the passionate yelling.

73. Ride a scooter.

74. Ride Scooter.

75. Ruin a wedding.

Suggestions? Got your own Death List?

COMMENTS ARE NOW OPEN

Tags: death list, diablo cody, kick in the head, revenge
Filed under All Blogs, Andrew's Blog |

13 Responses to “My Death List”

1. Sean Says:
   March 1st, 2009 at 8:50 pm

   Because of #68, #10 will never end.

2. andrew Says:
   March 1st, 2009 at 8:52 pm

   One day I’m going to stand up to you… and politely ask you to be a nicer person.

3. Scott Says:
   March 1st, 2009 at 10:10 pm

   Next time we drink together, I’ll gladly let you do #74. In a good friend piggy back sort of way. Not a homosexual intercourse sort of way.

4. Meghan Says:
   March 1st, 2009 at 10:33 pm

   Sean Minogue is the worst human being on the planet. Worse than Dr. Phil. He’s just a piece of shit.

5. Sean Says:
   March 2nd, 2009 at 12:59 pm

   I will have #40 on you Meghan. You ever tried #59?

   Prepare to #33!

6. andrew Says:
   March 2nd, 2009 at 5:40 pm

   Whenever I go to VFS and Bob isn’t there, Sean Minogue beats the shit out of me.

7. Nick Says:
   March 2nd, 2009 at 5:46 pm

   If you have trouble growing that Jesus beard (for any number of lack-of-puberty reasons) I have a wonderful Jesus costume from Halloween you may borrow.
   Also I would stop for an erotic cake on the side of the road… and would debate if it was ok to eat for at least 20 min before i left it there for someone else.

8. Meghan Says:
   March 2nd, 2009 at 10:29 pm

   I’ve been prepared to Not Buy A Fleetwood Mac album since the day I was born, Minogue.

   BRING IT!

9. bob Says:
   March 2nd, 2009 at 10:37 pm

   Am I missing something? Fleetwood Mac fucking rules.

10. Sean Says:
    March 2nd, 2009 at 10:44 pm

    Go Your Own Way straight to hell, Bob. You just like them because Mick Fleetwood was in an episode of Star Trek: TNG. True story.

    Wiki wiki what?

11. Sean Says:
    March 2nd, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    Andrew, you cower like no other senior citizen I’ve bullied. I like that about you.

12. andrew Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 8:17 am

    I have a pretty good cowering system. I like to swing my hands over my head and protect the noggin. It does leave my ribs open to damage, but it’s a fair trade-off.

13. Keith Says:
    March 9th, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    You’re more than welcome to come ruin my wedding. Maybe you can do # 74 or # 57 in the process. Either way, I’ll be drunk.

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