Tetris

Posted on February 11th, 2009

I am not a gamer by any means. I do not own a gaming console. My computer has never been sullied by having a game’s filthy information installed on its pristine hard drive. I do not spend hours online talking dirty to people I’ve never met while navigating the planes of Azeroth, nor do I comment on message boards with speculation as to what the next Star Wars game will entail while my Mom yells at me to come upstairs for dinner. I’m a simple man with simple tastes.

On the other hand, I have been known to obsessively play the most brilliant piece of pass-time programming ever created: Tetris.

That is until recently when I discovered a startling fact about myself. I have all of a sudden lost all skill for the game of Tetris. I woke up one morning and sucked at the game I have held so dear for so long. It’s been a devastating epiphany that I have struggled to deal with.

Come now as I illustrate my journey from one time Tetris terrific-o to current day Tetris terrible-o.

It all started, as many stories do, with my introduction to Facebook. I was an avid internet social networker and had maintained a MySpace page for over a year. In an attempt to out wit Chris Hansen I thought I’d give Facebook a try. What I found on this new site was so much better than 12 year old girls trying to bait me into a nationally televised entrapment situation that may or may not drive me to suicide. Oh yes, indeed I found an old friend that I didn’t even know I’d missed.

There was a Tetris application on this new social networking site, and in many ways it was just as damaging to my life as being arrested for pedophilia. You see, when I was a kid it was perfectly acceptable to play Tetris for hours on end without worry of what was going on around me. However, as an adult, bound by the constraints and responsibilities of society this obsessive Tetris playing was frowned upon. Especially at work, strangely enough.

For the next few months of my life I proceeded to let everything else in my life fall away. My family, my work, Andrew and the website (which didn’t actually exist yet so that part wasn’t that bad) it all fell by the wayside and the only thing that I deemed important was to beat the high scores of all my friends on an internet site which was of no consequence to anyone.

Then, one day, much like having Chris Hansen pop out of the woodwork at an underage girl’s house where you were looking forward to getting a little action, it all went away. Facebook deleted their Tetris application and all my high scores were lost forever. Obviously I was devastated. Everything I’d worked for in my life for the previous 6 months or so was lost. My purpose for living was gone. All I could think about was where to put the long straight piece and I had no where to channel that knowledge.

Months past.

Until one day Facebook brought Tetris back. In fact, there were more Tetris options. It was better than ever. Sure, my high scores were still gone, but this gave me the opportunity to forge new high scores and impress a whole new group of friends with my talents. But when I started to play again I found that I was having a hard time. I couldn’t even get past the first few levels. My play was sloppy and uninterested. Somehow the Tetris fire that had once burned so strong within me was gone.

I sucked.

I have been 7 months, 13 days Tetris sober ever since.

Thank you, thank you.

It all worked out for the best actually. As I was reading the other day, Tetris is apparently sexist. Chris Hansen is reportedly looking into the situation and working on somekind of overly elaborate televised trap to bring this destructive video game to justice.

Tags: bob woolsey, chris hansen, More Stuff!, Sexism, tetris
Filed under All Blogs, Bob's Blog |

9 Responses to “Tetris”

1. Meghan Says:
   February 11th, 2009 at 7:09 pm

   What exactly is this a “How to Guide” for? How to suck at something? How to get sober? How to out-wit Chris Hansen? What should I have learned from your struggles, Bob? What?!

2. andrew Says:
   February 11th, 2009 at 7:12 pm

   Wow, I wish I could be this disciplined with alcohol.

3. bob Says:
   February 11th, 2009 at 7:17 pm

   You should have learned some SELF RESPECT!

   I don’t know what you were supposed to learn really. My outburst was due largely to my own insecurity of the fact that this particular blog is not a How To Guide to anything. I just wanted to share my Tetris story. Is that so wrong?
   Also, any of those things you listed were great. So just take the one you like and carry on.

4. Meghan Says:
   February 11th, 2009 at 7:36 pm

   You’re not wrong. Sharing is caring.

5. mox Says:
   February 11th, 2009 at 9:43 pm

   I would like to say that I noticed your tetris posting clicked on it read about half of your post then just hunted down the tetris app on facebook and played one game of tetris and then died and then went back to whatever I was doing before.

6. bob Says:
   February 11th, 2009 at 10:16 pm

   And Tetris claims another. Good luck staying off that at work.

7. Dionne Says:
   February 11th, 2009 at 11:54 pm

   I will not load the Tetris application, not because of sexism (though, crazy as that article is, they make an interesting point), but because I KNOW I won’t be able to handle it. I love it too much. It’s already a distraction on my phone. I don’t need it available anywhere else.

   My favourite part of your addiction was your complete lack of shame. You didn’t even try to hide it. Just sat there and played for all the world to see.

8. bob Says:
   February 12th, 2009 at 12:01 am

   Well, it’s over now and we can all let it disappear like a neatly aligned row of blocks.

9. mario Says:
   February 12th, 2009 at 12:08 am

   You’re just mad that you could never top my high score…

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