A Collection of Hilarious Lists
Posted on March 8th, 2009
Often times I will assemble a list of objects, devices or things meant to spark thought.
I compile data and research, conduct thorough surveys, and generally use my magnificent (yet still uncertified) sleuthing skills to get to the heart of the issues I am preparing to list.
I have made lists of the best land mammals, curse worse and liquors. However those blogs are absolute bullshit compared to the knowledge I’m about to drop.
While some people (re. cocksucking, sandbagging motherfuckers) have suggested that list-centric blogs are lazy and child-like, I tend to disagree. Lists are what separate us from the animals. Man’s ability to take several similar objects, organize and rank them arbitrarily merely to create conflict is an essential and vital practice. Why, without the “Best Dressed” or “Worst Dressed” lists, we’d be nothing more than monkeys spitting and pooping about!
I am doing mankind a service. So without further to do, what lies onward is a series of hilarious lists.
Top 3 Movie Stars (as defined by box-office draw versus likability)
1. John Cusack
2. The Rock
3. Vince Vaughn
Top 5 Actors (as defined by awards circuit success versus Handsomeinity)
1. Matt Damon
2. Brad Pitt
3. Casey Affleck
4. Ben Affleck
5. Al Pacino
Top 5 Actresses (as defined by awards circuit success versus Hotnessdespiteage)
1. Meryl Streep
2. Julianne Moore
3. Kate Winslet
4. Amy Adams
5. Gene Hackman
Top 5 Videogames
1. Super Mario Bros. 3
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time
3. Grand Theft Auto 3
4. WWF Warzone
5. Tetris
Top 3 Bands Andrew Wish Would Die or Stop Making Terrible Music
1. U2
2. Nickleback
3. Buckcherry
Top 1 Sport
1. Hockey
Top 2 Living Beatles
1. Paul McCartney
2. Pete Best
Top 3 Dead Beatles
1. George Harrison
2. John Lennon
3. Ringo Starr
Top 3 Reasons for a Band to Break Up
1. Drummer chokes on own vomit in sleep; group disbands
2. Entire band killed in plane crash
3. Mounting tension, lack of creativity
Top 3 Reasons for Couples to Break Up
1. One person is crazy; the other is not
2. Death of a child; one parent shows a lack of remorse
3. Bear attack; man becomes too ugly to love
Top 6 People who have worked on the website that Andrew knows (who have NOT beat him up)
1. Andrew Menzies
2. Stephen Lebail
3. Marcel Perro
4. Gene Hackman
5. Darren Borrowman
6. Wade Fennig
Top 6 People who have worked on the website that Andrew knows (who HAVE beat him up)
1. Sean Minogue
2. Bob Woolsey
3. Nicholas Humphries
4. Lauren Martin
5. N/A
6. N/A
(Andrew has only been beaten up four times since launching bobandandrew.com. Both lists do not take into account emotional abuse.)
Top 3 Flavours of Cheese
1. Cheddar
2. Mozzarella
3. Kraft Singles
Top 5 American Presidents
1. Taft
2. Nixon
3. Bush
4. Crippled Roosevelt
5. Clinton
Top 2 Members of bobandandrew.com
1. Bob Woolsey
2. Andrew Menzies
Top 3 Deities
1. Jesus
2. Buddha
3. Allah
Top 4 Ways to End a Blog
1. A list
2. Vapid summation that’s both condescending and trite
3. A crushingly personal insult to someone who you feel has wronged you and you wish to lash out at them on a public form, even if that public form is still in its infancy and not too many people will view it. However since most of the viewing audience is composed of the author’s friends, the attack will appear calculated and cold.
4. Abrupt picture of the author
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Tags: andrew menzies, gta3, john cusack, lists, neutral, people who have beat andrew up, philanthropy, ranking, the beatles
Filed under All Blogs, Andrew's Blog |
2 Responses to “A Collection of Hilarious Lists”
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Scott Says:
March 8th, 2009 at 10:41 pmSolid.
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bob Says:
March 9th, 2009 at 5:34 pmI never said your list-centric blogs were lazy and child-like.
Take that back you son of a bitch!