Las Vegas: What They Don’t Want You To Know
Posted on March 11th, 2009
Avid followers of this page will know that I recently took a trip to Las Vegas. Avid followers of my life will know that I am dirt broke. Hard to believe, I know. My image is the very model of wealth and class. However, I am indeed broke. This trip was funded by none other than Mr. Bob Woolsey Sr. and Mrs. Carol Woolsey - my lovely parents. They traveled to this Mecca of slot machines and show theatres a couple of years back and loved it so much they wanted to take my brother and I with them for the second go-round.
I have my sneaking suspicions that their true motives for taking us on this trip was their stinging feelings of guilt over never following up on their promise to take us to Disneyland when we were kids. To this day I experience a recurring dream wherein I get to meet Goofy only to have him remove his mask and reveal himself as the creepy, dirty traveling fair guy that used to stop in our little town every summer. It’s horrible.
There are a lot of things I wasn’t ready for in Las Vegas and I’d like to share them with you here. I know you probably think that a place so well documented in the movies and pop culture would be easy to prepare for. You’d be wrong and also a jerk for sand bagging me and my blog.
I will describe my experience for you. In doing so, I will outline what you need to know in order to enjoy Las Vegas to the maximum.
First of all, Las Vegas is not a pretty place. It’s actually kind of tacky and ugly. This may not seem like a revelation to many of you but it was to me. I don’t know what I expected but I did not get it. Las Vegas looks much like I would imagine a movie set to look like. Therefore it looks great on film and in pictures but very, very cheap in real life. It’s a lot like when you’re walking down the street and you see what you think is an extremely attractive person coming towards you. You prepare yourself to smile in a flirty kind of way, but as they get closer and closer you see that they are in fact down right ugly. From afar you are able to see whatever you wanted to see. Up close, you can’t deny the truth. Much like the cheap hookers its known for, Las Vegas always looks better in the dark. A lot of lights and knock off architecture is Las Vegas’s heavy make-up and short skirt. The thing to be prepared for here is that Las Vegas is not a classy place. You will have a much better time if you leave any illusions of this at the airport.
Las Vegas is not relaxing. In fact, it’s extremely stressful. The moment you leave your hotel room you’ve got copious amounts of pressure being applied to you. Pressure to buy, pressure to gamble, pressure to eat, pressure to shop, pressure from all sides. This pressure is disguised as an ability to deliver fun to you. Don’t be fooled. Like a gold digging girlfriend, Las Vegas is only after your money. You will immediately be struck by the frantic activity of it all. People everywhere looking around and seeming to have a good time. But they’ve fallen for Las Vegas. They’re in lust with their surroundings. Next thing they know, they’ll be broke, sad and alone. Be wary of this my friends. Keep your wits about you. Las Vegas does not love you. No matter what it says it to you.
Las Vegas is in the middle of nowhere for a reason. What happens in Vegas is meant to stay in Vegas. You will see many people with this attitude. As I was there with my brother and my parents it was impossible to fully take advantage of this aspect of Las Vegas. Also, as mentioned above, I didn’t have any of my own money and so any activities I took part in required the presence of my mother. Clearly, whatever I did in Vegas was NOT going to stay in Vegas. In fact, anything along the regular lines of Vegas craziness probably would’ve precipitated an in depth family discussion that I just wasn’t prepared to get into.
Lastly, I am not a gambler. Contrary to my belief that I could figure it out as I went along, there is a lot more to it than the popular Kenny Rogers song indicates. In fact, I would venture to guess that at least 90% of people lose at gambling! It’s demoralizing. It’s as though people come to Las Vegas with money that they KNOW is going to be lost. And they actually ENJOY the act of losing it. It’s anarchy.
As you can see the circumstances of my trip to Las Vegas were less than ideal. I would like to go back, but under different conditions. Here are the things I’d do differently next time:
First off, I would have to have at least, AT LEAST $3000 spending money. That way you can gamble a little bit and still have money left over to see some shows. The shows are the best part of Las Vegas and the best shows are not cheap. For decent seats you’re looking at 200 - 300 dollars. Either that, or you’ll have to find a low level bell hop with connections that you can bribe with sexual favours. However, I must warn you that Las Vegas is full of people willing to do this to get what they want. As a result, dropping to this level won’t set you apart from the crowd like it will in most regular places.
Secondly, I would learn how to play poker and/or black jack. These tables are very intimidating to just jump right into. It looked like one of them was going to pull a gun and shoot one of the other players for cheating at any second. I’m planning on spending a little bit of time at some of the local casinos here in Vancouver playing some low stakes games to get acquainted with the ins and outs. It looked to me as though the people playing these games were having much more fun than the people who were mesmerized by the slot machines.
Lastly, I would plan ahead. One of the most stressful things about Las Vegas is walking out of your hotel and not knowing what you want to do. It’s like a grocery store: you have to go in with a plan or risk being lost wandering around for hours and buying a shit-ton of things you don’t need. Also, especially when traveling with family, it’s good to balance what everyone wants to do. If Uncle Clarence wants to go see some peelers while Grandma Betsy is intent on seeing Bette Midler and all the while Cousin Harriet won’t leave the buffet, things can get a bit scattered. Because believe me, the buffets are delicious! It’s important to know what you’re going to do before hand. That way you stay on track.
If you aren’t going with family - up your spending cash to at least, AT LEAST $10,000 and go wherever the wind blows you, my friend.
These are my lessons from Las Vegas. I hope they help. Good day and happy traveling.
Tags: guide, las vegas, preparation, vacation, woolsey family
Filed under All Blogs, Bob's Blog |
6 Responses to “Las Vegas: What They Don’t Want You To Know”
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Nick Says:
March 11th, 2009 at 3:46 pmGoofy as a creepy carnie? Well that would explain his enormous white gloves (to hide his creepy carnie hands).
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Meghan Says:
March 11th, 2009 at 10:10 pmNew York is a far greater city. and cheaper, and has more stuff to do (some of which is free!) so I suggest you take your 3000 grande to New York for a couple weeks.
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Dionne Says:
March 11th, 2009 at 10:56 pmI always had my suspicions about Goofy. You’ve now doubled those.
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Diana Says:
March 12th, 2009 at 10:39 amI also was taken to Las Vegas as an adult in some sort of sick compensation for not being able to go to Disneyland as a kid.
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Mark Says:
March 12th, 2009 at 11:22 amLondon is a far far faaaaaar greater city. And getting cheaper by the day so your $3000 will go a long way. Our history is older, our tube trains are exciting death traps, and you can spend hours playing spot the ex-banker pretending to still be employed…
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Husband Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 5:49 pmWell, IIIIIII happen to think Vegas is GGGRREEAATTT.
You’re a hater.