Zombies: Holy shit and other thoughts

Posted on August 20th, 2010

In an age where Large Hadron Colliders and massive oil spills are the norm, the zombie uprising is a foregone conclusion.

You can pray to your God. You can stockpile all you want. But at the end of the day, there ain’t no insurance premium for the undead.

I’m pragmatic. I know this because I looked up the word. I’ve accepted that society is fragile. That our infrastructure is collapsing and that we, as humans, are doomed.

There’s nothing we can do now, expect pray. (And check our insurance premiums.)

There are six certainties that you must embrace during a zombie uprising. The sooner you make peace with your situation the sooner you’ll be able to develop a new-world marauder alter-ego complete with wardrobe, catch-phrase and small piece of your past that prevents you from getting close to another survivor.

(Me? Scribe. Leather duster, dual Glock .45′s, rollerblades; the fact that I never got to say goodbye to my parents.)

1. Find a gun and shoot it a lot

I’ve only fired a gun twice: with my dad when I was young, shooting targets in the bush during a fishing trip, and six years ago during a failed armed robbery. Shooting a gun is easy- point it, safety off, kill. Finding a gun will prove much more difficult. You can ransack an ammunitions store, attack a cop, or fashion a potato gun, but either way, make sure you hold the gun a cool way and don’t close your eyes when you fire or else people will think you’re a pussy.

2. Don’t trust anybody

If relationships and reality television have taught me anything, it’s that trust is not a virtue you can hand out willy-nilly like serviettes at Outback Steakhouse. Sooner or later you’re going to get barbaque sauce on your cardigan.

Think about the last time someone let you down. It doesn’t have to be a major issue- infidelity sucks, sure, but so does getting cut off in traffic. Any small betrayal will do. Got it? Okay. Now amplify that betrayal by fifty million thirsty-for-yours-and-only-your-brain undead killing machines. See what I mean? Don’t trust anyone.

Survival Tip #009: Wash frequently, and ladies, continue to wear make-up. You never know when that special marauder will show up!

3. Beans are suddenly delicious

With the human population instantly decimated, one of the first amenities to go will be the availability of foodstuffs. Bananas, cake, and Arby’s will quickly disappear, so you not only should you stock up on canned goods, but learn to enjoy the taste of three year old maple beans (if you live that long, count yourself lucky).

Survival Tip #190: Poke a hole in the top of your bean-can before cooking over open-flame. Science makes this step necessary!

4. No more drugs or alcohol

If you think you’ll be able to enjoy a few beers with your beans or an evening hit of Codeine, think again. Staying on alert and sober during a zombie attack is crucial. You need your faculties sharp: and that includes your depth-perception faculty and your “oh my God zombies are surrounding us but I’m too high to reload my pistol but maybe they’d like a hug” faculties. Staying clean means staying alive.

You can put that on a fuckin’ shirt.

5. Money is useless/Print your own

While a worldwide zombie pandemic will not immediately make currency obsolete (for some time after the initial infection you’ll be able to buy bread and hats for outrageous mark-ups by war-profiteers who have truly taken their eyes off of the prize), soon thereafter your precious one dollar bills, five dollar bills, and ten dollar bills will be nothing but paper with pictures of white people on them. So it’s important to recognize this fact and not waste your time during those crucial initial hours hitting up the ATM or cashing RRSPs.

Survival Tip #554: Print your own money on the backs of bean-can labels. Denominations are up to you!

6. Stay positive

Sure, everyday is a struggle for the most basic services we’ve become accustomed to over the last hundred or so years.

Yeah, everyone you know is probably dead or infected or lost and scared.

And of course humanity’s chance of defeating the zombies and rebuilding a society is slim to none, but negative thoughts never put anyone on the moon.

Or did they?

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Tags: apocalypse, armed robbery, beans, guns, jerks, jersey shore, money, rrsp, science, space, the zombies, zombies
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3 Responses to “Zombies: Holy shit and other thoughts”

1. Bill Nelson Says:
   August 21st, 2010 at 10:14 am

   Funny stuff: Staying clean means staying alive. You can put that on a fuckin’ shirt. I think that’s a great idea and you should create some. True that money will be useless – the new currency will be shotgun shells, in 12, 10 and 8 denominations, although the 12′s will be worth the most – lighter and just as effective as an 8 when removing zombie brains. BTW, the apocalypse is currently about then years away according the formula on wezombie.com.

   Bill.

2. andrew Says:
   August 22nd, 2010 at 12:37 pm

   Bill, you and I should round out a posse. We’re going to need Kevlar and lots of it.

3. Bill Nelson Says:
   October 6th, 2010 at 6:45 pm

   Hey Andrew,

   Let’s keep in touch – for when the apocalypse arrives, we’ll need smart, tough, and prepared people like us to band together and save the world! BTW, the zombie apocalypse is only 6-7 years away now. Check it out at wezombie.com.
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   Bill.

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