Andrew Menzies – A Review
Last night in a small comedy club in the basement of a bar in Gastown, Vancouver, bobandandrew.com’s very own Andrew Menzies took the stage to spit some jokes. In the process, the young comedian effectively did stand-up for the first time. No doubt a very significant event in Andrew’s life. I’m sure it probably ranks somewhere between becoming self aware and hearing his mother swear for the first time.
Guilt and Comedy is a newer comedy event in town and is run by the ever beautiful and talented Lauren Martin along with her co-host, the also beautiful Kate Lumsdon. If last night was any indication, this is a comedy night that will pretty much let anyone perform. In the span of only a couple hours I saw a veteran of the Vancouver comedy scene, a beat cop turned poet who issued poetic citations, a rather angry homosexual comedian, a clown lady and sketch comedy from none other than Jackie Blackmore of “The Skinny.” Oh, and Andrew Menzies. But don’t get me wrong, folks, this eclectic gathering of talent was not only interesting but enjoyable.
Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: act, All Blogs, andrew menzies, beat cop poet, bob woolsey, clown, Comedy, gastown, guilt and comedy, jackie blackmore, kate lumsdon, lauren martin, marcel perro, scene, stand up, the skinny, Vancouver
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Don’t Call Me Zombie
At long last our short film, Don’t Call Me Zombie is available to all online. It was too big of a file, too full of quality and laughter, to upload here or to Youtube. So it’s on The Internet Movie Database. You can see it if you CLICK HERE.
The film tells the story of Al, a nine to five working class zombie, who has to overcome social misnomers in an attempt to be accepted among his peers. It’s a workplace romantic comedy meets zombie film that is sure to please.
Directed by Nicholas Humphries
Written by Bob and Andrew
Produced by Ryan Copple
We also have a page with all the behind the scenes material (Andrew and I being dicks, mostly) including videos, podcasts and MORE! Just click on “MORE” to see it.
Check it out and leave a comment if you like.
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Las Vegas: What They Don’t Want You To Know
Avid followers of this page will know that I recently took a trip to Las Vegas. Avid followers of my life will know that I am dirt broke. Hard to believe, I know. My image is the very model of wealth and class. However, I am indeed broke. This trip was funded by none other than Mr. Bob Woolsey Sr. and Mrs. Carol Woolsey – my lovely parents. They traveled to this Mecca of slot machines and show theatres a couple of years back and loved it so much they wanted to take my brother and I with them for the second go-round.
I have my sneaking suspicions that their true motives for taking us on this trip was their stinging feelings of guilt over never following up on their promise to take us to Disneyland when we were kids. To this day I experience a recurring dream wherein I get to meet Goofy only to have him remove his mask and reveal himself as the creepy, dirty traveling fair guy that used to stop in our little town every summer. It’s horrible.
There are a lot of things I wasn’t ready for in Las Vegas and I’d like to share them with you here. I know you probably think that a place so well documented in the movies and pop culture would be easy to prepare for. You’d be wrong and also a jerk for sand bagging me and my blog.
I will describe my experience for you. In doing so, I will outline what you need to know in order to enjoy Las Vegas to the maximum.
Tags: guide, las vegas, preparation, vacation, woolsey family
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Tetris
I am not a gamer by any means. I do not own a gaming console. My computer has never been sullied by having a game’s filthy information installed on its pristine hard drive. I do not spend hours online talking dirty to people I’ve never met while navigating the planes of Azeroth, nor do I comment on message boards with speculation as to what the next Star Wars game will entail while my Mom yells at me to come upstairs for dinner. I’m a simple man with simple tastes.
On the other hand, I have been known to obsessively play the most brilliant piece of pass-time programming ever created: Tetris.
That is until recently when I discovered a startling fact about myself. I have all of a sudden lost all skill for the game of Tetris. I woke up one morning and sucked at the game I have held so dear for so long. It’s been a devastating epiphany that I have struggled to deal with.
Come now as I illustrate my journey from one time Tetris terrific-o to current day Tetris terrible-o.
Tags: bob woolsey, chris hansen, More Stuff!, Sexism, tetris
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Kids: Pros and Cons
Children, I’m told, are our future.
They are the progeny of our race. As animals, some might say that it is Humankind’s sole purpose to create them and propagate our species. Others would say that we have moved beyond this basic savage need to a more enlightened sensibility. Either way, children are everywhere.
I’m sure you’ve seen them around. They are the portion of our populace that is between birth and puberty. They’re short, dim witted little things that are unusually cute and annoyingly loud. Don’t be fooled by these simpletons outward appearance, however. Although they possess welcoming, warm little faces with big eyes and pudgy cheeks they are burdens to society. You see, their underdeveloped brains and puny bodies make them unable to clothe, feed or sometimes even go to the bathroom by themselves.
All of this raises the question: why do we even have children in the first place? The joys of sexual intercourse, perhaps? But we’ve developed contraceptives so that we can still engage in a little nookie without risk of conceiving a child. On the other hand, there must be benefits to the challenging endeavor of rearing young. Surely people do it for a thought-out reason of some kind.
Let’s explore the pros and cons, shall we?
Tags: bearing young, bob woolsey, children, kids, list, pros and cons
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What Christmas Means to Me
What does Christmas mean to me?
Jesus? No.
Family? No.
Good will towards men? No.
Christmas means one thing to me and one thing only:
Presents.
Whoever said it was better to give than to receive must have never gotten a good present in their life. Gifts are like love that you can touch. They warm your heart and possibly even your physical body in the case of an electric blanket.
So here is my Christmas list for this year. Think of it as Oprah’s favourite things episode except without me giving anything away.
Tags: 386, bob woolsey, Christmas, computer, genesis, gift, GT sno racer, legend, list, packard bell, present, sega, star trek the next generation, street fighter 2, teenage mutant ninja turtles, turtle van
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2009: A Look Ahead
I think it’s important to treat each new year as an opportunity. I believe the Christians do a good job of conceptualizing this by calling each new year God’s year, a year he hath made for you and me to enjoy. Too bad they’ve done nothing but hold the world back for 2000 years. Now that my insult of mainstream religion is out of the way, let’s talk a bit about my hopes and dreams for the year ahead.
Since I was born on September 28th, 1983 I have steadily been progressing as a person. In the beginning I couldn’t even walk, talk or do basic calculations. But through hard work, a positive outlook and my unrelenting desire to better myself I slowly overcame the challenges of being a baby and am now a fully grown adult. There have been many milestones along the way, many occasions. I was named fire chief for a day in kindergarten, I came in second place in a speech contest in grade 1, I won a spot as a junior fire fighter for the forest service the summer after grade 12, just last year I finally buckled down and learned the guitar – I suck, but I have campfire skills, and more recently I was awarded along with one Andrew Menzies, the best Sitcom writing team award from the prestigious Vancouver Film School’s Writing for Film and Television program in late 2005.
So it is with great accomplishments already behind me that I look forward to 2009 and the challenge of going farther. Let’s look ahead.
Tags: 2009, andrew menzies, astronaut, BC forest service, bob woolsey, crock pot, fire fighter, helicopter, hernia, john grisham, kraft dinner, nasa, new year, plans, pne, roast, robert pattison, september 28th 1983, sharks, stephen lebail, twilight, vancouver film school, writing for film and television
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Childhood
As some of you may or may not have heard on the latest Bob and Andrew show podcast, I am thoroughly amused by childhood stories of trauma and upheaval. Mostly because these stories, when translated into adulthood, seem quite innocent and inconsequential. When Andrew told me the story if his pet bird Buddy dying during a family dinner I laughed heartily. Not because I enjoy small children crying, but rather because of the inherent naivety within the story. When you’re a kid everything seems so important. If an adult, especially a parent, makes a point of something, you latch onto it and herald it as some kind of important human gem that needs guarding and attention. I bet the young Menzies children held Buddy in just this kind of esteem.
They probably took turns feeding him and cleaning his cage, playing with him and talking to him. Buddy, being a bird, was oblivious to this of course and most likely spent his days wondering how long he’d have to spend as their captive. While the little Menzies were loving Buddy, he was scratching off the days on the wall of his cage and doing birdy chin ups. Regardless of the details, I think this situation with Buddy is the perfect metaphor for childhood. When you’re a kid you think the world is pure, orderly and important. The world however, is indifferent, chaotic and down right nasty. It’s only when events like Buddy’s death happen that you begin to learn about the true cruelty that lies beyond the playground.
I would like to recount for you now some of my most alarming and enlightening childhood traumas. Come along.
Tags: andrew menzies, Buddy the Bird, childhood, Dolphins, elementary school, Jesus, Life Lessons, Mrs DeLougas, Mrs Lang, parkland, Pets, pinecrest, school, Steven Richardson
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Internet Celebrity
Sometime in the ’80s a couple of geeks decided to link their computers together. Yada, yada, yada, then the internet came along. Soon after this people began to ‘post’ things using this new medium. Opinions, thoughts, criticisms and conspiracy theories soon began to reach the masses with little to no filter. Almost immediately the pros and cons of this phenomenon were apparent. On one hand, people could share their view points and engage in meaningful discussions much more easily. On the other hand, idiots with no educational background in anything were able to make grandiose claims, attack people behind a shield of anonymity known as the ’screen name’, and generally be douche bags on a large scale.
It’s these people that I want to talk about today.
Tags: celebrity, internet, kevjumba, perez hilton, pruane2forever, shot at love, the bachelor, tila tequila, youtube
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I am mere hours away from attending a Halloween party at the Humphries household. Yes, that would be the household of one Nicholas Humphries. Director, friend and general Halloween efficienato. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that Nick and his sister are Halloween crazy. Lustful for Halloween even. So the expectations are high.
I should start by saying that I have a bit of a bad attitude when it comes to Halloween. I don’t often dress up. In fact, I don’t think I’ve sported a costume since I was about 14 years old. I’m the jerk at work who cynically criticizes the people who dress up on Halloween day. I stand in the corner, eat the food they bring in, and quietly mock their attempt at remaining young. But somewhere deep down in my black heart, I have a fond remembrance of Halloween and how I used to look forward to it.
Tags: astronaut, Batman, bob woolsey, costume, halloween, nasa, Nicholas Humphries, ninja turtle, statue of liberty
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Bathroom = Ghoulish
It’s Halloween week here on bobandandrew.com and so I’ve decided to give you all some tips and pointers for one of the scariest places on Earth: The Bathroom.
I’m not talking about the public variety either, no, I’m talking about your common household bathroom. They’re small, damp, noisy and depending on the person responsible for the bathroom, extremely dirty. When you’re in the bathroom you’re at your most vulnerable. You’re often naked or in some degree of nakedness, performing an activity that can’t easily be stopped; perhaps with your pants around your ankles. This makes it very difficult to deal with any kind of situation while in the bathroom.
As a child I had a recurring nightmare wherein I was trapped between the toilet and the bathtub in such a position that made it impossible for me to move. I am mildly claustrophobic and thus this nightmare haunted me. I also found the loudness of the toilet as it flushed very alarming. I would do my business, go for the flush handle and run out of the bathroom as fast as possible for fear of some great monster erupting out of the violent flow of water disappearing into some unknown place. It was terrifying. Hence my deep seeded fear of the bathroom began. These, of course, were the outlandish fears of a child’s imagination. Today I fear much more practical things in the bathroom. Luckily for all of you, I have come up with contingency plans for all unexpected bathroom situations.
Tags: bathroom, bob woolsey, defense, floss, mirror, murder, safety, shower, statistics, toothbrush
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A Bob Woolsey Tribute to: Malfeasance
MALFEASANCE: wrongdoing or improper or dishonest conduct, especially by a person who holds public office or a position of trust – according to www.thefreedictionary.com
First of all, what a cool word: Malfeasance. I’m told it’s French. Surely a word as cool as this deserves a tribute. For all the crazy, incompetent, brash, exciting and just plain stupid things done under the banner of Malfeasance.
Malfeasance can manifest itself in many forms. For the purpose of this blog, I am going to explore malfeasance in its most broad of implications, defined above, rather than adhering to the strict legal definition of the word that I will not trouble you with. Therefore, what I am about to write about is probably not really malfeasance at all, but I like that word so lets see where this takes us, shall we?
ON WITH THE BLOG!
Tags: Alberta, Bill Clinton, bob woolsey, French, John Fraser, Latin, malfeasance, Monica Lewinsky, Nova Scotia, Sarah Oppenhiemer, Star Trek, Tunagate, Watergate
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Self-Loathing
Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought you yourself, “This is not what I wanted. You know God (if you do indeed exist, which I’m pretty sure you don’t) I don’t really agree with some of your choices here.” Well, you’re not alone. The fact is everyone wants to be someone else at one point or another. Whether that someone else is better looking, drives a faster car, has wittier jokes or is just plain better than you in every way, you envy them and you want to be them.
Don’t worry, it’s normal. We’re not supposed to talk about it, we’re supposed to love ourselves and treat ourselves with respect. When really all we want to do is jump off that ledge and hope to god reincarnation exists so we can have some hope of ending up as that person we’ve always wanted to be.
Sounds depressing, doesn’t it? Well it is. Here’s why:
Tags: bob woolsey, crystal meth, God, self loathing, steve blouin, the secret
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The 2007/2008 Financial Crisis in a Nutshell
You may or may not have heard that they’re having some troubles on Wall street right now. Banks are going under, being sold off to other banks and President Bush is trying to save the situation with a huge bail out package of money which seems to have failed just this morning. Apparently it’s been in the news of late and so I thought I’d check in and see what was up for myself. First off, in all fairness, I should say that I know nothing of finance, governing or anything related therein. However, I do know a thing or two about common sense and so I believe I am able to comment on the current financial crisis in the United States and around the world.
When I turned 18 I got a credit card so that I could start building a credit rating for myself. My mother was concerned about this as she knew me to be a somewhat impulsive and overall idiotic shopper. She lectured me to no end about the dangers of credit and how I should make sure that when I buy something I have the money to pay it off, right away. I was surprised at how right my mother was when I soon maxed out my card on frivolous purchases that I neither needed or really wanted. It was more about the power of the credit card. I could buy something with no money! It was the best thing ever! That is of course until the bill came in the mail. Good thing it was a student Visa with a $500 limit. But the lesson was learned nonetheless. Due to unrelated factors, I have not had a credit card since.
Tags: 2008 financial crisis, bail out package, bob woolsey, Crash, credit card, president bush, stock market, sub prime mortgage, The Great Depression, wall street
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Postcards from the Altar
As some of you may or may not know, I spent last week in the beautiful Okanangan. The township of Vernon to be exact. While there I emceed a wedding and tried out kayaking for the first time (6.5 out of 10; I’d rather have a boat with a motor). How, you may ask, did I get to be the master of any part of a wedding? Well the answer is simple: I’m a man among men. See my earlier blog entry here. Also, I know a thing or two about life. Hence the fact that you are here now reading my words.
But just as I said at the wedding last week, enough about me, lets talk about the bride and groom.
The happy couple was none other than my cousin Ryan Zaworski and his lovely wife Holly Zaworski (used to be Bigsby up until last weekend). They dated for a while, broke up, dated other people, got back together and eventually got engaged. It’s a proper love story if ever there was one with a frustrated young Holly sending Ryan Alanis Morrisette’s Head Over Feet one fateful night when she was fed up with how things in their relationship were going. Well, cut to years later and they’re dancing to the same song on their wedding day. It’s all very mushy and lovey, I know, but bear with me. This is where I school you all on the secrets of love, happiness and that ever elusive 50th wedding anniversary.
Tags: Anniversary, bob woolsey, Holly Zaworski, Love, Ryan Zaworski, Wedding
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A Bob Woolsey Tribute To: Kris Kristofferson
On Friday, October 10th, 2008 I will undergo a religious experience. I will undertake a pilgrimage to Richmond where I will be in the audience as the legendary singer-songwriter Kris Kristofferson takes the stage at the RiverRock Casino and Hotel. There I will drink copious amounts of spirts and hops as I ride the emotions of outlaws, beggars and poets. Since the very first time I heard the raspy voiced troubadour sing ‘Me and Bobby McGee’ I have been preparing myself for this moment. The moment when I, Bob Woolsey, will truly see the face of God.
As it turns out, God has a beard and guitar. He sings of the common folk, of love and of heart ache. He tells stories and paints pictures of all the varied emotions we feel as human beings. Then he hangs out with Willie Nelson and John Prine while he collects royalty cheques for such hits as Sunday Morning Comin Down, Help Me Make it Through the Night, and the aforementioned Me and Bobby McGee. This guy is truly a living legend. If there were anyone in the world that I wish was my Dad (other than my real Dad, of course) it would be Kris Kristofferson. Sure, I would’ve had to put up with an alcoholic father who spent most of his time on the road but I would’ve also been calling Johnny Cash Uncle. The pros seriously outweigh the cons.
Tags: Barbara Streisand, bob woolsey, chuck norris, dad, helicopter, johnny cash, Kris Kristofferson, Martin Scorsese, Rhodes Scholar, Sam Peckinpah, tribute, uncle
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How to Become a Serious Artist
I don’t know if anyone has heard or not, but I am a theatre director now. That’s right, I directed the current mounting of This Is Our Youth, running at the Havana Theatre (1212 Commercial Drive) till Saturday. It’s a famous play. It’s been performed many times by many actors. Among some of the most notables are the likes of Mark Ruffalo, Hayden Christensen, Jake Gyllenhaal and Anna Paquin. It’s been on Broadway with ‘big time’ Broadway directors. That’s all well and good of course, but I think it goes without saying that the material has never really been in the hands of a truly serious artist – such as myself.
How did you get to become such a serious artist, Bob? You may be thinking to yourself as you read this. Well, it wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that. There were many long roads, twists and turns, winding paths, spiral staircases and just down right poorly designed freeways along the way. I’m a man of perseverance, taste and above all integrity. These are the qualities that have allowed me to survive as an artist against all odds. Here today I will outline for you my rise through the ranks of this business they call show in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else to stick to their dreams and never give up.
Tags: A Tale of Two Cities, ACDC, Adventures in Babysitting, anna paquin, artist, bob woolsey, Crash, director, Hamlet, hayden christensen, HE MAN, jake gyllenhaal, kenneth lonergan, mark ruffalo, The Dark Knight, The Ninja Turtles, The Predator Series, thespian, this is our youth
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A Bob Woolsey Tribute to: Food
Oh, delicious food, how I love thee. It sustains us, delights us, brings us together and can even be used as a weapon. It’s versatile wonder has brought joy to all at some point in their life and continues to bring joy to this blogger.
Let me begin by giving you my food credentials:
I eat about two and half to three meals a day. I’m primarily an eater of western foods, but I have ventured into other cultures on many occasions. I also cook whenever I can and enjoy it very much. I think meat is a valued part of any dish, although I have tried (and liked very much) many vegetarian and vegan dishes. I have a large extended family and as a result food has factored largely into our get-togethers. Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthday, Camping trip, etc, there was never a shortage of food. And so I bring to you, my tribute to: FOOD.
I think it makes sense to break down this blog in terms of meals, so here are my favourite foods for all times of day:
Tags: bacon, bob woolsey, breakfast, Chinese, delicious, dessert, dinner, eggs, food, Greek, Indian, Italian, lunch, meal, meat lover's skillet, obi-wan kenobi, tribute
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This Blog is One Tough Mother
Man up. Be a man. Stand tall. Walk hard. Take it like a man. Stop crying.
Sound familiar? I know it does to me.
In this hard knock life we live it’s easy to get down on yourself from time to time, easy to whine, easy to just plain give up. The regular reply to this kind of behaviour is one of the above sayings from a father or authority figure of another kind. But just how does one go about being a man? What does standing tall entail exactly? Is walking hard simply an especially vigorous form of regular walking?
These are hard questions and there are no easy answers. At least that’s what I’ve found as I’ve cried myself to sleep many a night thinking about them. In fact, I would say that being a man is much more complex than the most manliest of man’s men would make it seem. Look at Gary Cooper, Kris Kristofferson, Sam Peckinpah, Johnny Cash, Russel Crowe, Tom Selleck, John Wayne, Steve McQueen - they all seemed like they didn’t give a shit about anything. Thus making them seem tough, hence their status as manly men. Not so, however. Let me explain.
Tags: bob woolsey, kublai khan, man, manliness, manly, men
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A Bob Woolsey Tribute to: Well-Fitting Pants
I like a lot of things in this world. There’s a lot of stuff that I see and think “Hey, I should tell people about this!” Hence, this blog.
This particular tribute: Well-fitting pants.
Let me begin by saying that I am a fan of well dressed people. I admire their ability to put outfits together and walk the streets stylishly. However, I do not consider myself a well dressed person most of the time. Appropriately dressed? Yes, but well dressed? That’s a stretch. I like the old t-shirt and jeans combo – or perhaps the t-shirt and shorts combo, depending on the season. T-shirts are easy to find. There are plenty of people making really cool t-shirts (Jadefish is a perfect example). You don’t even really have to try them on. Once you know your general t-shirt size, you’re set. Pants however, are a different story.
Tags: bob woolsey, leather pants, pants, tribute
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