Tetris
I am not a gamer by any means. I do not own a gaming console. My computer has never been sullied by having a game’s filthy information installed on its pristine hard drive. I do not spend hours online talking dirty to people I’ve never met while navigating the planes of Azeroth, nor do I comment on message boards with speculation as to what the next Star Wars game will entail while my Mom yells at me to come upstairs for dinner. I’m a simple man with simple tastes.
On the other hand, I have been known to obsessively play the most brilliant piece of pass-time programming ever created: Tetris.
That is until recently when I discovered a startling fact about myself. I have all of a sudden lost all skill for the game of Tetris. I woke up one morning and sucked at the game I have held so dear for so long. It’s been a devastating epiphany that I have struggled to deal with.
Come now as I illustrate my journey from one time Tetris terrific-o to current day Tetris terrible-o.
Tags: bob woolsey, chris hansen, More Stuff!, Sexism, tetris
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No Computer
Tags: anarchy, internet, no computer
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I have made a huge mistake
The last half of 2008 was a tumultuous time for me. I changed as a person, that’s for sure.
And when I look back on it, I think of what a mistake I made. I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself and am just now able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted with what I see.
But today, through the power of words, I am here to make amends. To talk through my emotional strife, in an attempt to perhaps find comfort, solace, an understanding. Hopefully my tale of woe can serve as warning to you, the reader. This may not be the appropriate forum for the trail of emotions I’m about to spill, but since I own 39% of this website, I feel I have a right to my caustic flow. I hope my troubles can serve a cautionary tale.
And we begin.
Tags: cocaine, dumped, GTA IV, huge mistake
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Kids: Pros and Cons
Children, I’m told, are our future.
They are the progeny of our race. As animals, some might say that it is Humankind’s sole purpose to create them and propagate our species. Others would say that we have moved beyond this basic savage need to a more enlightened sensibility. Either way, children are everywhere.
I’m sure you’ve seen them around. They are the portion of our populace that is between birth and puberty. They’re short, dim witted little things that are unusually cute and annoyingly loud. Don’t be fooled by these simpletons outward appearance, however. Although they possess welcoming, warm little faces with big eyes and pudgy cheeks they are burdens to society. You see, their underdeveloped brains and puny bodies make them unable to clothe, feed or sometimes even go to the bathroom by themselves.
All of this raises the question: why do we even have children in the first place? The joys of sexual intercourse, perhaps? But we’ve developed contraceptives so that we can still engage in a little nookie without risk of conceiving a child. On the other hand, there must be benefits to the challenging endeavor of rearing young. Surely people do it for a thought-out reason of some kind.
Let’s explore the pros and cons, shall we?
Tags: bearing young, bob woolsey, children, kids, list, pros and cons
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A Tribute to Bush: Part One
Enough time has passed to allow the collective conscious to breath a sign of relief, to exhale on what has been a tumultuous eight years under the reign of the American leader who brought us into the twenty-first century: George Walker Bush.
President. Hawk. Boot-stomper.
Bush was many things: A thief. A liar. A war criminal. But apart from sending young men and women into the desert to die on a God damn lie, Bush accomplished many, many great things that will stay with the world until time stops.
Today, we take a look back at the legacy George W. Bush.
Tags: 9/11, Barack Obama, economy, George Bush, iraq, show throwing
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Terry Joseph Wharburton: A Christmas Interview
We here at bobandandrew.com are decidedly pro-Christmas. We love Christmas so much we devoted an entire week of content to the holiday (instead of one measly little day like the Christians do).
However, not everyone loves Christmas.
Terry Joseph Wharburton, producer for the weekly podcast hammer “The Bob & Andrew Show”, recently blogged about Christmas. While nothing remotely interesting was said, Bob and I were both intrigued by Terry’s under-laying disdain for the holiday.
I sat down with Terry to get his true feelings on the Christmas season.
Tags: anti-Christmas, bar fight, Calgary, contrarian, Ringers, Terry Joseph Wharburton
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What Christmas Means to Me
What does Christmas mean to me?
Jesus? No.
Family? No.
Good will towards men? No.
Christmas means one thing to me and one thing only:
Presents.
Whoever said it was better to give than to receive must have never gotten a good present in their life. Gifts are like love that you can touch. They warm your heart and possibly even your physical body in the case of an electric blanket.
So here is my Christmas list for this year. Think of it as Oprah’s favourite things episode except without me giving anything away.
Tags: 386, bob woolsey, Christmas, computer, genesis, gift, GT sno racer, legend, list, packard bell, present, sega, star trek the next generation, street fighter 2, teenage mutant ninja turtles, turtle van
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How To Christmas by Terry Joseph Wharburton
A note from Bob & Andrew: Our podcast producer Terry has been bugging us for a long time to let him blog. We were convinced he couldn’t read, and were frankly astounded when he handed in legible notes with minimal cursing and drawings of graphic sex acts. So here, unedited and in its entirety, is Terry Joseph Wharburton’s Christmas blog. Enjoy.
Hello. I am Terry Joseph Wharburton. I produce The Bob & Andrew Show podcast here at bobandandrew.com.
Bob and Andrew have been nice enough to let me blog on the Internet this week. I hope you like what I have to say about Christmas time, my favorite time of the year.
First of all I’m going to say right now that this “Happy Holidays” bullshit has got to stop. It’s Christmas time, not holidays and fuck. If one more person says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” I’m going to punch them in the face and then take their wallet. Here is my guide to Christmas.
Tags: Christmas, Jesus, jewish, terry wharburton, tree
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How To Lie To People
A small disclaimer, before I begin: I am not a bad person. Well, maybe, I don’t know. People seem to like me. I would consider myself affable. If there’s a heaven, I have a solid case to get in. Might have to bribe St. Peter, but there’s no gun smuggling or assault and batteries on my record so I should be okay. I don’t give to charity or anything.
I figure I lie about thirty times a day. It’s mostly small stuff, things I could easily tell the truth about but choose not to.
Sometimes people will ask me how I’m doing. I always answer “fine” even though I never am. The idea that one can be “fine” is abstract to me at best. If every problem in my life suddenly solves itself and I’m left with a short window of happiness, yeah, maybe then I’m fine. But I assume that window so distant and brief that I probably won’t recognize it, let alone be given the opportunity to answer that question, for the first time, truthfully. But that’s neither here nor there.
Tags: Buchenwald, honesty, liars, lie
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Do these things with my corpse when I die.
I’m gonna die. Probably not today or tomorrow. I mean, you never know. I could die accidentally.
Falling brick. Murdered. Sheep-attack. That kind of thing.
But that’s glass half-empty death-talk.
However as a twenty three year old male with a family history of alcoholism and heart problems, I think it’s safe to say I’m going to die within the next sixty years.
And damn it, I want to be prepared.
Tags: corpse, death, dying, heroin
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My Favorite Curse Words
I like to curse. I consider swear words the pepper to the potatoes of the English language.
(Adjectives are salt. Conjectures, the paprika.)
There are no “bad words”. Intentions can be bad, but to say a word is “bad” is just trite and childish.
Some say cursing is a sign of a lack of intelligence. The notion being, if one is too daft to think of something better to say, he will revert to the fowl. I can see the merit to this argument however there is something to be said about a well placed swearword. There’s a psychological reason we use these words, whatever context. And that reason is not something I’m qualified to give nor am interested in exploring that shit.
And now, onto the God damn cursing.
Tags: bad words, curse words, language, yeah
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2009: A Harder Look Ahead
There is nothing finer a man can do than to rip off another man’s work so blatantly and without remorse.
Today I oblige by thieving from my cohort and often times partner in crime Bob Woolsey, whom several hours ago made bold predictions about the upcoming year of our Lord, 2009.
I was born February 16th, 1985, on the same pool table in Newark, N.J. where I was conceived. In grade four I got an award for a short story I wrote, mostly because I was the only child to submit theirs into the contest. I worked at McDonalds for two and a half years, never felt any real trauma or pain in my childhood, and graduated high school with mediocre grades and aspirations. Oh, and when I was three I fell down a flight of stairs and cut my chin on a vase. Nineteen years later I fell down a similar flight of stairs while stoned out of my mind looking for a vase to put stolen flowers in. I guess you could say my life has come full circle.
So it is with great accomplishments already behind me that I look forward to 2009 and the challenge of going farther. Further? Farther? Fuck. Let’s just look ahead.
Tags: Barack Obama, bob woolsey, bourne identity, david bowie, italians, male heir, marriage, monkey, newark, vase
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2009: A Look Ahead
I think it’s important to treat each new year as an opportunity. I believe the Christians do a good job of conceptualizing this by calling each new year God’s year, a year he hath made for you and me to enjoy. Too bad they’ve done nothing but hold the world back for 2000 years. Now that my insult of mainstream religion is out of the way, let’s talk a bit about my hopes and dreams for the year ahead.
Since I was born on September 28th, 1983 I have steadily been progressing as a person. In the beginning I couldn’t even walk, talk or do basic calculations. But through hard work, a positive outlook and my unrelenting desire to better myself I slowly overcame the challenges of being a baby and am now a fully grown adult. There have been many milestones along the way, many occasions. I was named fire chief for a day in kindergarten, I came in second place in a speech contest in grade 1, I won a spot as a junior fire fighter for the forest service the summer after grade 12, just last year I finally buckled down and learned the guitar – I suck, but I have campfire skills, and more recently I was awarded along with one Andrew Menzies, the best Sitcom writing team award from the prestigious Vancouver Film School’s Writing for Film and Television program in late 2005.
So it is with great accomplishments already behind me that I look forward to 2009 and the challenge of going farther. Let’s look ahead.
Tags: 2009, andrew menzies, astronaut, BC forest service, bob woolsey, crock pot, fire fighter, helicopter, hernia, john grisham, kraft dinner, nasa, new year, plans, pne, roast, robert pattison, september 28th 1983, sharks, stephen lebail, twilight, vancouver film school, writing for film and television
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Things Hip Hop Music Has Taught Me
I like hip hop. Granted I wear a belt with my pants and despise uncurved baseball hats, but I do enjoy it when an MC steps to the mic like a phantom and drops lyrics that could skin a cat.
For years I was confused about the difference between “rap” and “hip hop”.
What are the fundamental anomalies? Is there a clear line between the two? Who is Funkmaster Flex?
I suppose I could have investigated the issue, perhaps asked around. Instead, I just made up my own mind and defined the rule as it stands to me. Because really, musical taste is a tricky bitch. We all like different things; a lot of people probably hate your favorite band and the sooner you understand that the better off you’ll be. So why now make up your facts?
This is my hypothesis: Rap is money/hoes/guns. Hip hop is about the beats and the musicianship. It’s soulful and poetic.
Hip hop is also about guidance, leadership and life lessons.
Tags: beastie boys, bob woolsey, eminem, eric b and rakim, George Bush, hip hop, immortal technique, jay z, ludacris, Mos Def, public enemy, rage against the machine, rap, rehab, run DMC, talib kweli, white kids
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Childhood
As some of you may or may not have heard on the latest Bob and Andrew show podcast, I am thoroughly amused by childhood stories of trauma and upheaval. Mostly because these stories, when translated into adulthood, seem quite innocent and inconsequential. When Andrew told me the story if his pet bird Buddy dying during a family dinner I laughed heartily. Not because I enjoy small children crying, but rather because of the inherent naivety within the story. When you’re a kid everything seems so important. If an adult, especially a parent, makes a point of something, you latch onto it and herald it as some kind of important human gem that needs guarding and attention. I bet the young Menzies children held Buddy in just this kind of esteem.
They probably took turns feeding him and cleaning his cage, playing with him and talking to him. Buddy, being a bird, was oblivious to this of course and most likely spent his days wondering how long he’d have to spend as their captive. While the little Menzies were loving Buddy, he was scratching off the days on the wall of his cage and doing birdy chin ups. Regardless of the details, I think this situation with Buddy is the perfect metaphor for childhood. When you’re a kid you think the world is pure, orderly and important. The world however, is indifferent, chaotic and down right nasty. It’s only when events like Buddy’s death happen that you begin to learn about the true cruelty that lies beyond the playground.
I would like to recount for you now some of my most alarming and enlightening childhood traumas. Come along.
Tags: andrew menzies, Buddy the Bird, childhood, Dolphins, elementary school, Jesus, Life Lessons, Mrs DeLougas, Mrs Lang, parkland, Pets, pinecrest, school, Steven Richardson
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Andrew as Leader 2: Squash the Uprising
Last week I outlined my plan to unite North America into a single nation, whimsically dubbed “Canmerico”.
I promised to legalize gay marriage, disband the navy, and publicly beat up Fred Phelps. Reactions were mixed.
Some argued that my strategies for gaining control of the government were in direct conflict to the freedom I wished to grant. Those people are jerks and should be ashamed of themselves.
Like any good dictator, I am back with a second wave. Below are further plans to maximize democracy and show the rest of the world how to rock the shit.
Tags: andrew menzies, bad religion, boobs, bush, canada, canmerico, cheney, coup, day care, facism, forceable action takent against dissenters, foreign police, hanged, hitler, kyoto accord, marx, mexico, NAFTA, nato, NORAD, politco, ponytail, rove, sputnik, stalin, steven segal, unite North America, USA, war crimes, war criminal
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Andrew as Leader
While I am not an American citizen or even technically a Canadian citizen (off the grid, baby), I do fashion myself a politico-space monkey capable of making a decision or two.
And I’ve decided that it would be best for North America if all three countries folded into one nation, to be ruled over by a supreme power of unrelenting fear. Me.
I know the jargon. I have the swagger. I possess the gab. I can lead a nation. I will lead a nation. These nations!
So come with me, please, as I take you on a journey of the policies and practices I would implement as captain of the ship, leader of the band, Toucan of the Sam.
Tags: canada, fred phelps, gay marriage, legalization, marijuana, NAFTA, no more navy, prop 8, super-power, USA
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Dear Starbucks,
Several moons ago I made outlandish hate speech regarding the corporate coffee apparatus known by the proletariat as The Starbucks.
I suggested that Starbucks was inherently evil, due to its gross popularity, bean-business, and fashioning of a pseudo-elitist culture.
I may have over-stepped my bounds.
I would like to issue a formal apology on this Internet, and ask that Starbucks and its customers forgive my rash and thoughtless denouncement.
I am truly sorry.
Tags: bean, coffee, revolution, starbucks
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Intolerance is Gay
The English Dictionary defines intolerance as “a lack of toleration”. Wait. Son of a whore!
The English Dictionary defines “tolerance” as “a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc. differ from one’s own”.
So to be “intolerant” or to “not tolerate” means that one holds attitudes and opinions against others whose lifestyle differs from his or her own.
Being a straight white male under thirty is a pretty sweet gig. I have never experienced sexism, racism, or even ageism in my entire life. Sure, there was that one instance when this guy threw a tennis ball at my face, but I’m fairly certain that was because he caught me sifting through his picnic basket.
I only took two pears and a roast beef sandwich. Don’t know why his daughter was crying.
Tags: black people, gays, hate crime, intolerance, jews, malcolm x, muslims, the government, white people
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Internet Celebrity
Sometime in the ’80s a couple of geeks decided to link their computers together. Yada, yada, yada, then the internet came along. Soon after this people began to ‘post’ things using this new medium. Opinions, thoughts, criticisms and conspiracy theories soon began to reach the masses with little to no filter. Almost immediately the pros and cons of this phenomenon were apparent. On one hand, people could share their view points and engage in meaningful discussions much more easily. On the other hand, idiots with no educational background in anything were able to make grandiose claims, attack people behind a shield of anonymity known as the ‘screen name’, and generally be douche bags on a large scale.
It’s these people that I want to talk about today.
Tags: celebrity, internet, kevjumba, perez hilton, pruane2forever, shot at love, the bachelor, tila tequila, youtube
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