Guilt and Comedy is a newer comedy event in town and is run by the ever beautiful and talented Lauren Martin along with her co-host, the also beautiful Kate Lumsdon. If last night was any indication, this is a comedy night that will pretty much let anyone perform. In the span of only a couple hours I saw a veteran of the Vancouver comedy scene, a beat cop turned poet who issued poetic citations, a rather angry homosexual comedian, a clown lady and sketch comedy from none other than Jackie Blackmore of “The Skinny.” Oh, and Andrew Menzies. But don’t get me wrong, folks, this eclectic gathering of talent was not only interesting but enjoyable.

Of Andrew’s stand-up this reviewer can only say that it was pretty much exactly what I would assume a sexual experience with Andrew would be like. It was extremely brief, Morgan Freeman was referenced, there was a lot of laughter, no eye contact was made and Andrew never took his pants off. All in all, a mildly charming experience. The audience certainly seemed to enjoy it. My only advice for Mr. Menzies would be to prepare some more jokes next time. No sooner had he taken the stage when he was already thanking everyone for being there and scampering off. If he ever manages to sustain longer than 90 seconds of an act, the comedy world better look out!

We here at bobandandrew.com will keep you fully up to date on all of Andrew Menzies activities because, well, you know, it’s his website too.

In all seriousness, congratulations Andrew. I know this is something that you’ve been wanting to try for a long time. You did a great job and I’m quite proud of you.

If you get a chance, go check out Guilt and Comedy. It’s every Wednesday night at Guilt & Co. located just below Chill Winston by the Gassy Jack statue in Gastown.

The film tells the story of Al, a nine to five working class zombie, who has to overcome social misnomers in an attempt to be accepted among his peers. It’s a workplace romantic comedy meets zombie film that is sure to please.

Directed by Nicholas Humphries
Written by Bob and Andrew (duh)
Produced by Ryan Copple

I have my sneaking suspicions that their true motives for taking us on this trip was their stinging feelings of guilt over never following up on their promise to take us to Disneyland when we were kids. To this day I experience a recurring dream wherein I get to meet Goofy only to have him remove his mask and reveal himself as the creepy, dirty traveling fair guy that used to stop in our little town every summer. It’s horrible.

There are a lot of things I wasn’t ready for in Las Vegas and I’d like to share them with you here. I know you probably think that a place so well documented in the movies and pop culture would be easy to prepare for. You’d be wrong and also a jerk for sand bagging me and my blog.

I will describe my experience for you. In doing so, I will outline what you need to know in order to enjoy Las Vegas to the maximum.

First of all, Las Vegas is not a pretty place. It’s actually kind of tacky and ugly. This may not seem like a revelation to many of you but it was to me. I don’t know what I expected but I did not get it. Las Vegas looks much like I would imagine a movie set to look like. Therefore it looks great on film and in pictures but very, very cheap in real life. It’s a lot like when you’re walking down the street and you see what you think is an extremely attractive person coming towards you. You prepare yourself to smile in a flirty kind of way, but as they get closer and closer you see that they are in fact down right ugly. From afar you are able to see whatever you wanted to see. Up close, you can’t deny the truth. Much like the cheap hookers its known for, Las Vegas always looks better in the dark. A lot of lights and knock off architecture is Las Vegas’s heavy make-up and short skirt. The thing to be prepared for here is that Las Vegas is not a classy place. You will have a much better time if you leave any illusions of this at the airport.

Las Vegas is not relaxing. In fact, it’s extremely stressful. The moment you leave your hotel room you’ve got copious amounts of pressure being applied to you. Pressure to buy, pressure to gamble, pressure to eat, pressure to shop, pressure from all sides. This pressure is disguised as an ability to deliver fun to you. Don’t be fooled. Like a gold digging girlfriend, Las Vegas is only after your money. You will immediately be struck by the frantic activity of it all. People everywhere looking around and seeming to have a good time. But they’ve fallen for Las Vegas. They’re in lust with their surroundings. Next thing they know, they’ll be broke, sad and alone. Be wary of this my friends. Keep your wits about you. Las Vegas does not love you. No matter what it says it to you.

Las Vegas is in the middle of nowhere for a reason. What happens in Vegas is meant to stay in Vegas. You will see many people with this attitude. As I was there with my brother and my parents it was impossible to fully take advantage of this aspect of Las Vegas. Also, as mentioned above, I didn’t have any of my own money and so any activities I took part in required the presence of my mother. Clearly, whatever I did in Vegas was NOT going to stay in Vegas. In fact, anything along the regular lines of Vegas craziness probably would’ve precipitated an in depth family discussion that I just wasn’t prepared to get into.

Lastly, I am not a gambler. Contrary to my belief that I could figure it out as I went along, there is a lot more to it than the popular Kenny Rogers song indicates. In fact, I would venture to guess that at least 90% of people lose at gambling! It’s demoralizing. It’s as though people come to Las Vegas with money that they KNOW is going to be lost. And they actually ENJOY the act of losing it. It’s anarchy.

As you can see the circumstances of my trip to Las Vegas were less than ideal. I would like to go back, but under different conditions. Here are the things I’d do differently next time:

First off, I would have to have at least, AT LEAST $3000 spending money. That way you can gamble a little bit and still have money left over to see some shows. The shows are the best part of Las Vegas and the best shows are not cheap. For decent seats you’re looking at 200 – 300 dollars. Either that, or you’ll have to find a low level bell hop with connections that you can bribe with sexual favours. However, I must warn you that Las Vegas is full of people willing to do this to get what they want. As a result, dropping to this level won’t set you apart from the crowd like it will in most regular places.

Secondly, I would learn how to play poker and/or black jack. These tables are very intimidating to just jump right into. It looked like one of them was going to pull a gun and shoot one of the other players for cheating at any second. I’m planning on spending a little bit of time at some of the local casinos here in Vancouver playing some low stakes games to get acquainted with the ins and outs. It looked to me as though the people playing these games were having much more fun than the people who were mesmerized by the slot machines.

Lastly, I would plan ahead. One of the most stressful things about Las Vegas is walking out of your hotel and not knowing what you want to do. It’s like a grocery store: you have to go in with a plan or risk being lost wandering around for hours and buying a shit-ton of things you don’t need. Also, especially when traveling with family, it’s good to balance what everyone wants to do. If Uncle Clarence wants to go see some peelers while Grandma Betsy is intent on seeing Bette Midler and all the while Cousin Harriet won’t leave the buffet, things can get a bit scattered. Because believe me, the buffets are delicious! It’s important to know what you’re going to do before hand. That way you stay on track.

If you aren’t going with family – up your spending cash to at least, AT LEAST $10,000 and go wherever the wind blows you, my friend.

These are my lessons from Las Vegas. I hope they help. Good day and happy traveling.

On the other hand, I have been known to obsessively play the most brilliant piece of pass-time programming ever created: Tetris.

That is until recently when I discovered a startling fact about myself. I have all of a sudden lost all skill for the game of Tetris. I woke up one morning and sucked at the game I have held so dear for so long. It’s been a devastating epiphany that I have struggled to deal with.

Come now as I illustrate my journey from one time Tetris terrific-o to current day Tetris terrible-o.

It all started, as many stories do, with my introduction to Facebook. I was an avid internet social networker and had maintained a MySpace page for over a year. In an attempt to out wit Chris Hansen I thought I’d give Facebook a try. What I found on this new site was so much better than 12 year old girls trying to bait me into a nationally televised entrapment situation that may or may not drive me to suicide. Oh yes, indeed I found an old friend that I didn’t even know I’d missed.

There was a Tetris application on this new social networking site, and in many ways it was just as damaging to my life as being arrested for pedophilia. You see, when I was a kid it was perfectly acceptable to play Tetris for hours on end without worry of what was going on around me. However, as an adult, bound by the constraints and responsibilities of society this obsessive Tetris playing was frowned upon. Especially at work, strangely enough.

For the next few months of my life I proceeded to let everything else in my life fall away. My family, my work, Andrew and the website (which didn’t actually exist yet so that part wasn’t that bad) it all fell by the wayside and the only thing that I deemed important was to beat the high scores of all my friends on an internet site which was of no consequence to anyone.

Then, one day, much like having Chris Hansen pop out of the woodwork at an underage girl’s house where you were looking forward to getting a little action, it all went away. Facebook deleted their Tetris application and all my high scores were lost forever. Obviously I was devastated. Everything I’d worked for in my life for the previous 6 months or so was lost. My purpose for living was gone. All I could think about was where to put the long straight piece and I had no where to channel that knowledge.

Months past.

Until one day Facebook brought Tetris back. In fact, there were more Tetris options. It was better than ever. Sure, my high scores were still gone, but this gave me the opportunity to forge new high scores and impress a whole new group of friends with my talents. But when I started to play again I found that I was having a hard time. I couldn’t even get past the first few levels. My play was sloppy and uninterested. Somehow the Tetris fire that had once burned so strong within me was gone.

I sucked.

I have been 7 months, 13 days Tetris sober ever since.

Thank you, thank you.

It all worked out for the best actually. As I was reading the other day, Tetris is apparently sexist. Chris Hansen is reportedly looking into the situation and working on somekind of overly elaborate televised trap to bring this destructive video game to justice.

They are the progeny of our race. As animals, some might say that it is Humankind’s sole purpose to create them and propagate our species. Others would say that we have moved beyond this basic savage need to a more enlightened sensibility. Either way, children are everywhere.

I’m sure you’ve seen them around. They are the portion of our populace that is between birth and puberty. They’re short, dim witted little things that are unusually cute and annoyingly loud. Don’t be fooled by these simpletons outward appearance, however. Although they possess welcoming, warm little faces with big eyes and pudgy cheeks they are burdens to society. You see, their underdeveloped brains and puny bodies make them unable to clothe, feed or sometimes even go to the bathroom by themselves.

All of this raises the question: why do we even have children in the first place? The joys of sexual intercourse, perhaps? But we’ve developed contraceptives so that we can still engage in a little nookie without risk of conceiving a child. On the other hand, there must be benefits to the challenging endeavor of rearing young. Surely people do it for a thought-out reason of some kind.

Let’s explore the pros and cons, shall we?

We’ve already started to take a look at some of the cons so lets start there. Cons to having children:

• Noise. Children make so much noise in the beginning that many new parents become sleep deprived, irritable and even downright unable to function at times.

• Complete dependence. Children, as stated, are imbeciles. They cannot do basic tasks and as their parent, it becomes your responsibility to step in. These tasks even include wiping your child’s ass. Also, if you are not a smart enough parent, this dependence can last long beyond a child’s physical dependence stage and result in a prolonged emotional dependence. You may even find yourself at the age of 88 with your children still living at home, still raiding your fridge and even living off you financially. Beware the risk of dependence. This is a huge con to having children.

• Financial burden. This goes to the last con, but deserves a point of its own. Children cost money. They need things bought for them on a regular basis and are unable to earn money for themselves. Plus, if you are able to get rid of your children when they reach a mature age, you may be asked to support their education. This could count into the tens of thousands of dollars!

• Embarrassment. This is a technological age. Children, having known no other way of life, will take to new technologies much faster than you can ever hope to. Although they are small and do not know nearly as much about the world as you do, they will be able to run circles around you when it comes to new inventions. Beware.

• Stink. Children smell. Like, a lot. They puke, they poo, they pee themselves. It’s not pretty.

• Laws. Children have rights. You if you fail to provide them with shelter, food and other necessities or if you merely abandon them because you’ve changed your mind about having them – you will go to prison.

• No guarantees. There is no telling what kind of child you will give birth to. Your child may be ugly or even worse, a freak. Who knows if they will have a healthy social life or ever accomplish anything in their lives. The risk factor in having a child is definitely a con.

• The ‘No-Divorce’ clause. Once you’ve had children you will feel an overwhelming pressure to marry your mate. And if you are already married to this person you will feel an even greater pressure to stay with this person for the sake of the children. If you are unable to stay with the other parent of your children, society will judge you.

That pretty much covers the main problems with having a child. I should know, I was one. As far as the pros go, there are a few. Pros to having a child:

• Unconditional love*. For the first decade or so of a child’s life they will pretty much love you no matter what. Beware con number one though, they are noisy and will experience fits of rage and sadness. However, once these episodes have passed they will continue to love you.

• Free labor. Until they are considered adults by the court, children belong to you. As such, it is okay for you to give them work to do around your house. The beauty of it all is that you can write this slavery off as teaching the children a “work ethic” and developing “character.” This is why I highly recommend having children if you are a farmer of any kind. Or if you are a small country in need of a military force.

• Pride. There is a profound sense of accomplishment when you’ve made another living being. You can take your offspring around and show your friends. Children are a great hit at parties. People will come up to you and ask you about your child. They will be amazed as your child performs even the simplest of tasks. Even though the child is merely playing out its predetermined genetic coding, you will be able to take credit for nature’s brilliance without question.

• Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Now that both sides of the situation have been laid out, we should consider the variables around having a child. How do you find a suitable mate? When is a good time to copulate? How many times should you reproduce? Are there any prerequisites for having a child?

In short, all you really need to do is knock up the next chick you see and let nature take its course.

However, you can minimize many of the risks involved with having children if you are selective in this process. Once you’ve found an appropriate mate you’re going to want to assess this person’s parenting skills. The more adept your mate is at parenting, the more of that responsibility you can sluff off to them. In terms of timing, children are best enjoyed as a relatively young person. I would reccomend having children somewhere between the ages of 30 and 40. That way you will be able to reap the benefits of having children without having to sacrifice any of your 20s, yet your children will still be old enough to take care of you when you are an incontinent 80 year old.

So, best of luck in all things child related.

*Although children will provide you with unconditional love for the first decade or so of their life, any love provided after this time will be very, very conditional. It may even be affected by the way you treated the unconditional love early in the child’s life.

Jesus? No.

Family? No.

Good will towards men? No.

Christmas means one thing to me and one thing only:

Presents.

Whoever said it was better to give than to receive must have never gotten a good present in their life. Gifts are like love that you can touch. They warm your heart and possibly even your physical body in the case of an electric blanket.

So here is my Christmas list for this year. Think of it as Oprah’s favourite things episode except without me giving anything away.

First off, I would like say that I like technology. If I own enough gadgets I just know I could get my life in order and be more productive. It is for this reason that I want a computer for Christmas.

Many of my friends have changed over to Apple computers. They swear by them. I, however, am afraid of change. I abhor new things and the learning they force me to do. Give me old. Give me safe. Give me a 386 Packard Bell Legend and I will be just fine. A couple upgrades and that puppy will be playing with the big boys of Mac and Microsoft no problem. Nobody ever complained about Windows 95 like they do about Vista. Plus, I’ll still be able to play all my old floppy disc games that don’t work in fancy “new” computers.

What is Christmas if not fun? I mean that’s what getting stuff is all about, isn’t it? You’ve got to have things to play with on Christmas morning. It is for this reason that I want a Sega Genesis for Christmas.

Growing up all my friends had the latest gaming systems. I still remember when my cousin got a Nintendo for the Christmas of ’88. Boy was I jealous. Therefore when Sega came out with its gaming system, I knew I had to have it so I could one up my cousin. This year is the year my wish comes true, I can feel it.

Games I’d like for my Sega: American Gladiators, Street Fighter 2 and Star Trek: The Next Generation: Echos of the past.

As with most Christmases, this year I have a few toy requests. I’m always trying to expand my toys so that when my friends come over we can play. That is why this year, I want the Turtle Van.

This is of course the Van that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles use to get around and fight crime. I used to have a Turtle Van but it was given away by my mother.

Everyone knows that you have to have the proper accessories to your toys, otherwise they’re just no fun. Once I get my hands on the Turtle Van there will be no stopping my mini turtle action figures from stopping the evil foot clan and bringing justice to New York City.

Of course, with these toys, video games and computer on my list I’m going to need to get outside for some exercise. Winter is an especially fun time for this since you can play in the snow. That is why I absolutely need to get a GT Sno Racer this year.

The GT Sno Racer is the ultimate in sledding technology. With this machine at my control I will be undisputed champion of the sled hill. And with 50 goal scorer Brett Hull’s endorsement, this is also the coolest ride on the hill.

I can’t wait to carve into the powder and sail through the air on my high performance sled. It’s going to be glorious.

I hope you all have made up your Christmas lists for this year. Christmas is just over a week away and I’d hate to see anyone not get exactly what they want. You might get caught up on certain things and continue to want them throughout your life, whether they’re actually still available/appropriate or not. So make a list and be thorough.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Since I was born on September 28th, 1983 I have steadily been progressing as a person. In the beginning I couldn’t even walk, talk or do basic calculations. But through hard work, a positive outlook and my unrelenting desire to better myself I slowly overcame the challenges of being a baby and am now a fully grown adult. There have been many milestones along the way, many occasions. I was named fire chief for a day in kindergarten, I came in second place in a speech contest in grade 1, I won a spot as a junior fire fighter for the forest service the summer after grade 12, just last year I finally buckled down and learned the guitar – I suck, but I have campfire skills, and more recently I was awarded along with one Andrew Menzies, the best Sitcom writing team award from the prestigious Vancouver Film School’s Writing for Film and Television program in late 2005.

So it is with great accomplishments already behind me that I look forward to 2009 and the challenge of going farther. Let’s look ahead.

The first thing I would like to accomplish in 2009 is to get in shape. I’m not out of shape per se but I have had a hernia for the past 8 months that has hampered any kind of working out. Sure the hernia came from being out of shape and jumping back into full activity too abruptly, but this time is going to be different!

Secondly I’d like to read more. The new John Grisham looks interesting and I hear the book for Twilight is much better than the film so I might check that out.

Next year I’d like to learn how to cook some new things. As of the writing of this blog I am able to cook a handful of delicious meals that have gotten me through my time since leaving home. Among them: spaghetti, curry chicken casserole, tacos, dill chicken with pasta and stir fry. When I’m not cooking these things I usually subsist on Kraft Dinner or some kind of frozen food that I just have to heat in the oven. It’s time for an injection of a flavorful new dish. I’m thinking something ethnic.

In the coming year I’d also like to save my money more effectively. Up until now I have a life savings of approximately $-30,000. I’m hoping to turn that ship around. In the coming year, I will buy a plethora of lottery tickets.

I’d like to learn how to sail. I live so close to the ocean it should be pretty easy.

When I was kid I wanted to be an astronaut. I’ve decided that 2009 will be my year of not letting this dream die. In 2009 and will take the first step (One small step for the year, one giant leap for my dream) towards my space training. Since NASA has not accepted my solicitations for employment I will have to do it myself. My strategy is 3 fold: First I will memorize the periodic table of the elements, second I will get a summer pass to the PNE fair ground where I will ride the roller coaster however many times I have to before I stop puking mid-ride and thirdly, I will tie rocks to my shorts and walk along the bottom of the pool at the Y to simulate weightlessness. I predict success.

Another thing I’d like to do that I’ve been putting of for years is to get married. I’d like to settle down and start a family and I feel like 2009 is the year. I’ll be holding open auditions in late January or early February. Potential spouses please bring a resume and head shot.

Obviously this website which you are viewing right now is also a large part of my plans for 2009. Andrew and I have been pushing ourselves to be better writers every day. We’ve worked with some very talented people in the short history of this website and you can count on that tradition to continue. All except Stephen LeBail of course. He borrowed a crock pot from me and has refused to give it back, so he’s out. It was a very nice crock pot and I haven’t been able to make a decent roast since.

Other plans for bobandandrew.com in 2009:

- Purchase a helicopter with our accumulated wealth
- Fund a shark research program
- Give back to the kids
- Pay for the damage caused by a horrible helicopter crash
- Purchase helicopter pilot lessons
- Ask for a government bailout package

They probably took turns feeding him and cleaning his cage, playing with him and talking to him. Buddy, being a bird, was oblivious to this of course and most likely spent his days wondering how long he’d have to spend as their captive. While the little Menzies were loving Buddy, he was scratching off the days on the wall of his cage and doing birdy chin ups. Regardless of the details, I think this situation with Buddy is the perfect metaphor for childhood. When you’re a kid you think the world is pure, orderly and important. The world however, is indifferent, chaotic and down right nasty. It’s only when events like Buddy’s death happen that you begin to learn about the true cruelty that lies beyond the playground.

I would like to recount for you now some of my most alarming and enlightening childhood traumas. Come along.

In elementary school there was a kid in my class named Steven Richardson. He was cool. He even had a little leather jacket at the age of 8. He and his friend Justin would go around at recess and lunch and make shit happen. Often times there were wrestling matches and play fights involved in these lunch hours. Steven always won. I didn’t take part in too many of these, but could be relied upon as an okay ally. One day, a group of us were involved in one such play fight and I soon found myself battling a couple of kids very near to Steven. He helped me out and we teamed up. It was glorious. We fought valiantly and soon won the battle. He turned to me and told me that we had made a good team. I was proud. Then he promptly tripped me and laughed at me. As soon as he was gone, I cried. I’ve never truly opened up to another person since.

LESSON #1: Friends will back stab you.

In grade 3 I had a teacher named Mrs Lang. She was a tall woman with a bad haircut and no chin. She was abrasive and very devout. She used to show us movies about the life of Jesus that I don’t think were in the curriculum, but that’s neither here nor there. Each week in Mrs Lang’s class we had to research a topic in groups, make a poster board and then present on our findings at the end of the week. This particular Friday we were preparing for our presentations. Our presentation was on Dolphins as I recall. My group was huddled around our poster board and we were taking turns practicing our piece out loud. As it was not my turn I was not doing much of anything. Mrs Lang took exception to this and pulled me out into the hall. She proceeded to push her chinless face into mine and release some fire and brimstone on me. Her argument was that I should have been practicing my part of the presentation in my head while it was the other student’s turn. Overreaction? I think so. I returned to class where I sat at my desk and cried for 10 or 20 minutes.

LESSON #2: People will not hesitate to drop their own shit at your doorstep unprovoked.

The following year, in grade 4, I was in Mrs DeLougas’ class. It was a split class and took place in a portable classroom. That year, needless to say, sucked in general. But there were a couple of particularly traumatic experiences along the way. The year was 1993. Star Trek the Next Generation was huge and I was a fan of the show. I had recently purchased (I say I purchased it, really it was my mother) a Captain Picard action figure. Proud of my new purchase I brought it to school to show my friends. That day during lunch I took Captain Picard around to show him the school. While I was gone, someone went into my desk and stole all of Captain Picard’s accessories. I was devastated. I still had my Captain but he had no phaser, no tricorder! He would have been useless on an away mission! I cried. It was horrible.

LESSON #3: People WILL steal your stuff.

Another traumatizing experience I had while in grade 4 took place one day after school. My family was living just outside the city of Quesnel at the time and so I had to take a bus home from school. On this particular day however, my Mum was going to give me a ride. I packed up my stuff, headed out to the round about where all the buses and cars were picking kids up and taking them home. I waited till everyone was gone, all the buses, all the parents and all the kids. I knew something was up. I walked back to class where Mrs DeLougas, immediately upon seeing me, began apologizing profusely. You see, my Mum had called and told Mrs DeLougas to please pass on that she would not be able to pick me up and that I should take the bus the home as per usual. Mrs DeLougas had even written it on her hand so she wouldn’t forget. I cried and Mrs DeLougas organized a ride for me from one of the other teachers who lived near me.

LESSON #4: You’re on your own in this world.

When I was a kid I was, shall we say, a little awkward at times. There was a period of a few years where I refused to wear anything other than sweat pants. They were comfortable. In grade 6 our class got to go on a week long field trip to the Flying U Ranch in the BC Cariboo region. There we got to stay in cabins, ride horses and just generally have a good time. It took place during the early summer and the weather was warm. After one particularly hot day of riding horses, working out in the sun and just general busy-ness, I got a nose bleed. My sweat pants may or may not have been partially responsible due to the heat capturing properties they possessed. I guess my body just couldn’t take it any more. It was a monumental nose bleed. Blood everywhere. It just wouldn’t stop. Some of the kids were cruel in their teasing of me and my sweat pants. I cried.

LESSON #5: People will constantly judge you on your appearance.

So there you have it. 5 traumatic experiences from my childhood and the 5 life lessons that go with them. In hindsight seem strangely trivial. At the time they were a big deal. They felt like life and death. But I got through it and am a better person for it. Now that I’m older, I don’t wear sweat pants anymore. I’m able to drive myself where I need to go.I keep a close eye on my stuff. I don’t take people too seriously when they unload on me for no reason and I’ve weeded out any friends that were not true friends. I still cry from time to time, but then again, who doesn’t?

It’s these people that I want to talk about today.

We are in the midst of a revolution on par with the Industrial Revolution. Everything we do and every way we interact is changing before our eyes. One of the most noticeable and strangely compelling things that’s happened through these changes is the creation of internet celebrities. People who are known for nothing other than being on the internet. They don’t really offer anything meaningful or further any kind of cultural gain. They mostly just expose their lives for all to see in some kind of train wreck fashion. Either that or they comment on others lives and how they are in a state of train wreck. It’s a phenomenon that I like to call the Gutenberg on Crack effect. If only old Johannes knew what the internet has made possible in the world of publishing today.

Here is one such example:

His name is Pruane2Forever and he’s become somewhat of a minor internet celebrity. He is young and obviously has no basis for his opinions apart from what the mass media has told him. He spouts his grand view of the world with a certainty that is both comical and a little sad. There are a couple videos where his step-father shows up and we get a view into his home life. It’s not pretty. Like the ‘Leave Brittany Alone‘ guy, Pruane is one of the sad examples of internet celebrity.

Here is another example of an internet celeb:

This is the second main type of internet celebrity. The “I’m young and kind of nerdy but still considered cool in the world of the internet” type. This particular internet celebrity has much more substance than the last but still relies on making fun of his Asian culture and traditional parents from time to time. The common thread between the two of them being an exposure of themselves that borders on exploitation. Are we laughing with them or at them? I do not know.

And finally we have even another type of internet celebrity:

Perez Hilton & Tila Tequila

These two are by far the biggest internet celebrities going. They’ve crossed over into mainstream media and are now, for lack of a better term – bonafide celebrities. Perez with guest appearances on almost every major talk show and Tila with her reality show “Shot at Love” which is basically a bisexual version of The Bachelor. Like Pruane and Kevjumba, both of these celebrities have made their names by boldly placing themselves on the internet and professing their opinions on the world. However, they’ve taken it one step further. They aren’t putting themselves out there as they are – they’ve become more than that. Personas of themselves. The main staple of internet celebrity is the anonymity factor. Neither of these people use their real names and their lives in general seem manufactured. Can it be that these people, growing up as they have in the age of celebrity have truley been prepared for the live they now live? That’s a scary thought I know. The fact that simply BEING famous can now be a dream for a child that can actually be realized. The internet has made it possible to make money simply by living your life visibly.

So, in closing, if you want to be an internet celebrity here is an easy 5 step program:

1) Abandon every fact you’ve ever learned about the world.
2) Form your own facts based on nothing more than what you like or feel on any particular day.
3) Attack other people in the limelight at their first sign of weakness relentlessly.
4) Always take the opportunity for exposure, no matter how small.
5) Exploit your own life in such a way that it seems like you’re being confident, but really you’re just desperately looking for some kind of validation wherever you can get it.

Voila! Internet celebrity.

Good luck out there kids.

I should start by saying that I have a bit of a bad attitude when it comes to Halloween. I don’t often dress up. In fact, I don’t think I’ve sported a costume since I was about 14 years old. I’m the jerk at work who cynically criticizes the people who dress up on Halloween day. I stand in the corner, eat the food they bring in, and quietly mock their attempt at remaining young. But somewhere deep down in my black heart, I have a fond remembrance of Halloween and how I used to look forward to it.

In hindsight my Mum kind of ruined me when it comes to Halloween costume ideas. She used to get so excited to dress her kids up and take them around the neighborhood that she would just come up with costumes for me and my brother to wear. We never really had to work on what we were going to be. I remember one year my Mum dressed my brother as the Statue of Liberty. He wore a grey sweat suit, his face and hands were painted grey and my Mum made him a torch and head crown thing. He hated the costume and proceeded to walk around without the torch or crown as some sort of angry grey man costume. It did not affect his candy intake.

Now that I’m older and my Mum isn’t as excited to spend a week sewing a Ninja Turtle costume for me, I just don’t have the personal drive to come up with something myself. It just seems like a whole lot of work for not so much fun. I’ll admit that I have a bad attitude in this repect, and so this year I thought I’d try to rise above my own basic negative views of dressing up as a jackass for a night and dive into the festivities.

At first I thought maybe I could go as an astronaut since that’s what I always wanted to be as a child. NASA however, did not return my phone calls and so that plan fell through almost immediately. Second choice: Batman. As it turns out, Batman costumes are expensive and actually quite lame when put on a 25 year old man. Plus, I was Batman for halloween in 1992 so I didn’t want to repeat. For a brief while I thought I might be General George Patton Jr. That way, I would be able to walk around yelling at people all night with an acceptable excuse as to why. Once again, my bad attitude surfaced and I thought that tracking down a Patton costume would take much more time and energy than I was willing to dedicate.

So I’m probably just going to put on some kind of hat that is unique to a particular occupation and let people’s immaginations do the rest. I do want the record to show that I intended on trying this year. I wanted to put the effort in. I just didn’t get around to it.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!

I’m not talking about the public variety either, no, I’m talking about your common household bathroom. They’re small, damp, noisy and depending on the person responsible for the bathroom, extremely dirty. When you’re in the bathroom you’re at your most vulnerable. You’re often naked or in some degree of nakedness, performing an activity that can’t easily be stopped; perhaps with your pants around your ankles. This makes it very difficult to deal with any kind of situation while in the bathroom.

As a child I had a recurring nightmare wherein I was trapped between the toilet and the bathtub in such a position that made it impossible for me to move. I am mildly claustrophobic and thus this nightmare haunted me. I also found the loudness of the toilet as it flushed very alarming. I would do my business, go for the flush handle and run out of the bathroom as fast as possible for fear of some great monster erupting out of the violent flow of water disappearing into some unknown place. It was terrifying. Hence my deep seeded fear of the bathroom began. These, of course, were the outlandish fears of a child’s imagination. Today I fear much more practical things in the bathroom. Luckily for all of you, I have come up with contingency plans for all unexpected bathroom situations.

Dangerous Bathroom Situation #1:

I am taking a shower and someone tries to murder me.

This is a common one. When you’re in the shower you’re uniquely susceptible to a murderer’s attack. Especially if you’ve reached the stage in showering when you have to wash the shampoo out of your hair or the soap off your face. With your vision removed from having your face in the water and your hearing impaired from the loud sound of the water falling all around you, you’re pretty much a murderer’s wet dream. The solution: Always keep an eye out for the murderer’s attack. Wash yourself in short bursts of water, then quickly glance back at the door to see if it is still firmly shut as you left it. If indeed a murderer should make their way into your bathroom, the key line of defense is the shower curtain. Utilize it like a bull fighter uses their red thingy and wrap the murderer up before they have a chance to pounce. Once incapacitated, grab some floss, bind their hands and feet and promptly call the authorities.

Dangerous Bathroom Situation #2:

I am pooping on the toilet and someone tries to murder me.

Also a common bathroom worry. In this case you are even more vulnerable than in the shower as you no longer have the shower curtain defense available and your pants are around your ankles making you extremely immobile. Plus, you’re mid-poop, an activity that is extremely hard to stop once started. For this reason, always take one foot out of your pants when you sit down to poop. That way you can maneuver much more effectively should a murderer attack. Another defense strategy I encourage is keeping the plunger within arms reach. That way, if a murderer does make their way into the bathroom, you can beat them off with a handy weapon. Again, once incapacitated, grab some floss, bind their hands and feet and promptly call the authorities.

Dangerous Bathroom Situation #3:

I am brushing my teeth and someone tries to murder me.

This one is not as common since most murderers worth their salt will try to get you while your pooping or showering, but it has been known to be a worry. Particularly if you use an electric toothbrush as the sound can drown out the ruckus of a murderer trying you kill you. In this case, make sure to use the mirror to its full potential and keep an eye on your own backside. %90 of all bathroom murderers approach from behind. Secondly, like a prisoner in Folsom, keep the handle end of your toothbrush sharpened in case you need to use it as a weapon of self-defense. And again, once incapacitated, grab some floss, bind their hands and feet and promptly call the authorities.

I hope these defense strategies can help you asuage your fears of being in the bathroom as they have mine. The bathroom is a wonderful place of cleanliness and fragrance when you make it safe. Have a Happy Halloween everyone.

First of all, what a cool word: Malfeasance. I’m told it’s French. Surely a word as cool as this deserves a tribute. For all the crazy, incompetent, brash, exciting and just plain stupid things done under the banner of Malfeasance.

Malfeasance can manifest itself in many forms. For the purpose of this blog, I am going to explore malfeasance in its most broad of implications, defined above, rather than adhering to the strict legal definition of the word that I will not trouble you with. Therefore, what I am about to write about is probably not really malfeasance at all, but I like that word so lets see where this takes us, shall we?

ON WITH THE BLOG!

So, malfeasance. I remember my first time malfeasing. It was with Sarah Oppenhiemer in back of the school gymnasium. I had been named school council president and she was just a young hero worshiping social activist from the grade below. Later she would claim that it was all a lie. Easy for her to say, she developed into a popular, athletic, well adjusted individual while I was left behind with my Star Trek pajamas and acne. Those were the days, alright. Since then there have been many incidents of malfeasance, both big and small, that have grabbed my attention and delighted my interest. Because a good scandal is fun. And as we all know, where there’s malfeasance – there’s scandal. They’re like word twins. Or maybe word partners?

Perhaps the malfeasance of all malfeasances, the king of malfeasances, the grand master malfeasance, the prime malfeasance if you will, was Watergate. It ended a Presidency and has lead to an entire sub genre of malfeasance nomenclature. You can pretty much add the suffix -gate to any malfeasant act and it will immediately improve the marketability of said malfeasance. It just looks better in a headline. Andrew Menzies Caught Picking Up Transvestite Hooker would be shortened to simply Andrewgate. Why this would make news, I don’t know. Give us ten years and a some blow and we’ll be big enough stars to make it happen.

Here are a few other notable malfeasances of History and some of my personal favorites:

Sexual Sterilization Act of Alberta – a law passed in 1928 that classified almost 3000 young people as “mentally unfit” and allowed the government, without the young people’s knowledge or consent, to sterilize them and prevent them from breeding their “bad blood.” True story. It’s strange too because I’ve been to Alberta and the success of the law is debatable.

Tunagate – In 1985 a Nova Scotia tuna factory was shut down and its tuna said to be unfit for human consumption or even for cat food by the Dept. of Fisheries official inspectors. The factory workers, put-out by the declaration, lobbied the Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, John Fraser and he decided – out of the blue – that the tuna was indeed good and ordered it put on store shelves. Later he said that he had the tuna tested by independent groups but it was proved that they hadn’t even finished their testing by the time he made his decision. Luckily for John, no one got sick from the tuna as it was promptly recalled when the malfeasance was exposed, but I just like the malfeasant gall of the guy. All of a sudden he was a tuna expert as though he had always dreamt of it and this was his big chance to fulfill his innermost fantasy. Malfeasance at its best (worst?).

The Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Thing – Perhaps the great malfeasance of our time and as such I’m not going to really go into all the ins and outs. We all know the story and the jokes surrounding it. The only thing I still don’t get is why Bill chose Monica. He obviously had no say in the White House intern selection program. I’m not saying she’s ugly, I’m just saying if she’d been a young lady in Alberta around 1928 she might not have made the cut.

So until next time, keep those acts of malfeasance going!

Don’t worry, it’s normal. We’re not supposed to talk about it, we’re supposed to love ourselves and treat ourselves with respect. When really all we want to do is jump off that ledge and hope to god reincarnation exists so we can have some hope of ending up as that person we’ve always wanted to be.

Sounds depressing, doesn’t it? Well it is. Here’s why:

The fact is we’ve all got this deep seeded desire to be someone else because society has been telling us since were fetus’s (feti?) that we aren’t good enough. We don’t cut it. We’re not strong enough or we’re not blond enough or we’re just plain stupid (looking at you Steve Blouin.) It’s a wonder any of us can even put on a veil of self confidence much less actually believe in ourselves. It all makes a lot of sense if you just stand back and look at the world objectively for a moment (something this blog strives to do for you: the appreciated reader.) I mean, of course we hate ourselves, we can never get away from ourselves! We know every screwed up thing we’ve ever done, thought about doing or just about did. Charismatic John from down the lane seems like he has a much better life because you don’t have to be with him every second of the day.

Let’s face it folks, life has some pretty dark moments. No, I’m not talking about 9/11 although that certainly rates. I was thinking of the smaller, more personal moments. Why just now I nearly had a nervous breakdown for no other reason than because I felt lonely. HA! Lonely, that’s small potatoes compared to some people’s problems. I bet Charismatic John never gets lonely… or does he?

We all have these issues of insecurity and self-doubt from time to time. Does the knowledge that other people also feel pain in their lives make it any easier? Shit no, in fact it may even make things harder. Because now every time I see Charismatic John I scrutinize him for some inkling of flaw and I can’t find it. He presents himself so properly to the world that it drives me nuts. How does he do it?!

Now this is the real kicker of it all – the people who seem they have it together the most (like our friend John) are usually the most screwed up. I don’t have any scientific numbers on this, but I want to believe it to be true. Charismatic John’s source of his charisma? Probably Crystal Meth. Uh-huh, he’s most likely a raging dope fiend. And to think all this time I actually wanted to BE him. What was I thinking? How could I have been so blind? His rotting teeth, the disheveled clothing – I should have known something was up. But he just seemed so chipper!

The moral of story is this: Don’t be stupid, we all have problems, insecurities and general issues to be dealt with. The fact is you’re not going to be happy with yourself all the time. Stop trying to be. Embrace your inner conflict and use it. For what, I don’t know. The conventional wisdom is to believe in yourself. To know that you are just as good as anyone else, all people are created equal and all that. But really these are all just nice things to say. Like when your mother tells you that you’re special – the odds just don’t back that up.

The fact is you’re really on your own out there. Everyone wants a quick fix, that one thing that’s going to put their life on track. You ever hear of ‘The Secret’? That self-help method that swept the nation a while ago? Here’s a secret – there is no secret. It’s just a matter of putting your head down and trucking through till you reach a place of good standing. It’s hard and unpleasant, much like going to the dentist. But after it’s all done you have a very clean mouth and it feels refreshing. So good luck and godspeed. Heaven knows we all need it. Even you, Charismatic John, even you.

P.S. Don’t ever type the word ‘fetus’ into google image search. You will not like what you see. Trust me.

When I turned 18 I got a credit card so that I could start building a credit rating for myself. My mother was concerned about this as she knew me to be a somewhat impulsive and overall idiotic shopper. She lectured me to no end about the dangers of credit and how I should make sure that when I buy something I have the money to pay it off, right away. I was surprised at how right my mother was when I soon maxed out my card on frivolous purchases that I neither needed or really wanted. It was more about the power of the credit card. I could buy something with no money! It was the best thing ever! That is of course until the bill came in the mail. Good thing it was a student Visa with a $500 limit. But the lesson was learned nonetheless. Due to unrelated factors, I have not had a credit card since.

Cut to September of 2008 and the announcement that the Lehman Brothers, among others, were declaring bankruptcy, thus thrusting Wall street into its most unstable period since the Great Depression. Very Lehm indeed. As I sat back and watched the world’s markets scramble to jam their collective chewing gum into the crack that had emerged in the dam that is world economics, I couldn’t help but be reminded of my old credit card. I wondered how the largest, most established financial institutions in the world could be less responsible than an 18 year old with no concept of the consequences of fiscal irresponsibility.

How could they not know that sub prime mortgages were a bad idea? How could they have possibly thought “Sure, have a 50 year mortgage on a house that is grossly over-priced, we’re here to HELP you get in over your head” and then been bewildered when the bottom fell out of the housing market and people simply walked away from their homes? I didn’t get it. That is until I remembered the one key life lesson I’ve learned in my time on this planet:

People are idiots.

Sure, in actuality there’s a large number of complex factors (including the ones above which I’ve grossly over-simplified) that have contributed to this crisis, not to mention the current President’s economic policies and war. But I stand by my statement. It happens time and time again. People see the opportunity to make a buck if only they could just side step a couple of rules, or circumvent common sense just that little bit, or justify some cockamamie plan.

We will do anything in order to not have to ride out the storm. Just look at the ‘solution’: to bail Wall street out with a 700 billion dollar influx of cash. I mean, I’m no economist, but this plan has a number of catastrophic implications to me. Not the least of which is massive inflation. But the implications I’m more worried about are the implied ones. The implications that this kind of thing is okay; that we can fix it.  Don’t worry everyone, we’ll just have an international bottle drive and raise the funds to save our economy.

Whenever something like this happens people stop and shake their heads, they ask how such a thing could have happened and wonder what do to next. They forget that all this has happened many times before and will happen again… or is that the Matrix? Either way, the key to these kinds of situations lies in the past where we have fallen on our faces many times already. I tend to look at the world with a historian’s eye, wearing a corduroy jacket and smoking a pipe. So it is with this perspective that I will now answer the question of how this has happened:

Do you remember the day you reached the realization that adults knew nothing more about the world than you did? That they really just had a little bit more experience in not knowing things, thus making them better at bullshitting their way through life? That, in fact, each and everyone of us can be dead wrong at any given point on any given subject, regardless of education or experience? In my personal opinion  the current situation on Wall street is the culmination of an infinite number of people being wrong. Sometimes we’re just wrong more than we’re right and this is one of those times. We erred, we made a huge mistake, we done gone and fucked up.

Sometimes we need to have shit blow up in our face so that we don’t get too carried away ever again. Aren’t these catastrophic events often referred to as the market ‘righting’ itself? Like that oh so glorious poop after days of being constipated, this is yet another event in the history of humankind where all we can do is look back and say “yeah, I can see how this happened – let’s never do this again.” There will be laws put in place, organizations created, standards defined – all in an effort to avoid this in the future. We will, of course, repeat this mistake, or one just like it in another hundred years or so because that’s just how we be ballin’.

The answer to the question of “how do we fix this?” is a much more complicated one that I will not be answering today. For now I will say this to the world: Good luck with all… that.

But just as I said at the wedding last week, enough about me, lets talk about the bride and groom.

The happy couple was none other than my cousin Ryan Zaworski and his lovely wife Holly Zaworski (used to be Bigsby up until last weekend). They dated for a while, broke up, dated other people, got back together and eventually got engaged. It’s a proper love story if ever there was one with a frustrated young Holly sending Ryan Alanis Morrisette’s Head Over Feet one fateful night when she was fed up with how things in their relationship were going. Well, cut to years later and they’re dancing to the same song on their wedding day. It’s all very mushy and lovey, I know, but bear with me. This is where I school you all on the secrets of love, happiness and that ever elusive 50th wedding anniversary.

“But Bob,” you’re saying, “How do I, a lowly average Joe not only land the one I love, but also keep them for years and years?” Fear not my love-sick friend. I have the answers you seek.

Despite the fact that there were 71,783 divorces in Canada in 2001 and that a staggering 37.7% marriages will end in divorce before they reach the 30 year anniversary mark and only a couple years back the divorce rate in some provinces was nearly 50% and the fact that some people actually seem to think that some people (white people at least) even LIKE divorce, I remain confident in the institution of marriage. Call me a cock-eyed optimist, but that’s just how I feel. Perhaps it’s because my parents are still together. Maybe it’s the fact that only a couple of my many aunts and uncles have gone through divorces. Or maybe it’s just because I want to feel that way. Who knows?

One thing I will say is that the above statistics prove a very important thing about marriage success: Marriages that stay together are far more successful than marriages that do not. All you have to do is look at the numbers. My Mum and Dad, together 27+ years, did not break up. My Grandmother and Grandfather, together some 54 years this October – still together. Brittany and K-Fed not together. Hence, an unsuccessful marriage. It’s not rocket science people. When you marry someone, make sure you can spend a lot of time with them. We’re talking like 60 – 70 years. AND, that commitment is only going to get longer with the advances in modern medicine. So be prepared.

However, I will say that the pros to marriage (even a barely functioning one) far outweigh the cons. Let’s look:

1) You always have someone to come home to.
2) You always have someone to cuddle with late at night.
3) You always have someone on your side.
4) You always have someone that knows who you are (if you make it past the all important 4th anniversary when divorce odds start to decline).
5) You always have someone to love and who loves you.

On second thought – just get a dog and you’ll be just fine.

In all honesty though, I’d like to say congratulations to my cousin Ryan and the newest official addition to our family, Holly. It was a great wedding and I was honored to be a part of it. All the best to you and everyone who has decided to spend the rest of their life with the one they love.

As it turns out, God has a beard and guitar. He sings of the common folk, of love and of heart ache. He tells stories and paints pictures of all the varied emotions we feel as human beings. Then he hangs out with Willie Nelson and John Prine while he collects royalty cheques for such hits as Sunday Morning Comin Down, Help Me Make it Through the Night, and the aforementioned Me and Bobby McGee. This guy is truly a living legend. If there were anyone in the world that I wish was my Dad (other than my real Dad, of course) it would be Kris Kristofferson. Sure, I would’ve had to put up with an alcoholic father who spent most of his time on the road but I would’ve also been calling Johnny Cash Uncle. The pros seriously outweigh the cons.

Lets start off by running down a little of this guy’s more impressive accomplishments. A man of great intelligence, Kristofferson was a Rhodes Scholar. He was a golden gloves boxer. The son of a United States General, he entered the army where he gained the rank of Captain. It was in the army that he became a helicopter pilot. Upon being offered tenure to teach at the illustrious West Point Military Academy, Kristofferson turned it down, moved to Nashville and became a janitor. It was there that he pitched many of his now legendary songs to the likes of Johnny Cash and other country superstars of the time. I think it goes without saying that this guy could kill you with his bare hands then turn around and sing a heartbreaking love song to your lifeless corpse. No small feat in my book.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the story of Kristofferson landing his helicopter on the front lawn of Johnny Cash’s house and handing him a demo of ‘Sunday Morning Comin’ Down’. Cash went on to record the song and thus began Kristofferson’s career as one of the greatest American songwriters of all time. He’s basically an action hero with a guitar. And a beard. He’s like a country singing Chuck Norris, but cooler.

Of course while all this was going on, Kristofferson also became an actor. He was good friends with the infamous Sam Peckinpah and acted for Peckinpah many times. He nailed Barbara Streisand in ‘A Star is Born‘ and even acted for a young Martin Scorsese in ‘Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore‘. What did I tell you? Cooler than Chuck Norris by far.

Now lets indulge in something of an academic exercise and analyze one of Kristofferson’s songs. There is no truer test for a poet than to have your words stand up to in-depth scrutiny. We will now shed light on the magnificent songwriting prowess that is Kris Kristofferson. We will delve into the man’s very soul to uncover truths about humanity and see if his words can stand the test of time.

For this exercise I have chosen ‘Sam’s Song’ from Kristofferson’s 1995 album A Moment of Forever.

SAM’S SONG by Kris Kristofferson

I have been with the best that the bastards could muster
From Danny the Dildo to Sidney the Snake
And I feel like a working girl pausing to wonder
Just how much screwin’ the spirit can take

Chorus:
I said, “Willie old buddy, please tell me again
The reason to keep goin’ on.”
He said, “There’s no harder words to say over a friend
Than they done you so righteously wrong
They stopped you from singing your song”

He was our hero, boys, he took the bullet
But he went down swingin’ his fist from the floor
You can ask any working girl south of the border
Sam Peckinpah era un hombre for sure

Chorus:
Willie old buddy please tell me again
The reason to keep goin’ on
He said, “There’s no harder words to say over a friend
Than they done you so righteously wrong
They stopped you from singin’ your song.”

But not me.

Analysis: KICK ASS!

See you in October Kris.

How did you get to become such a serious artist, Bob? You may be thinking to yourself as you read this. Well, it wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that. There were many long roads, twists and turns, winding paths, spiral staircases and just down right poorly designed freeways along the way. I’m a man of perseverance, taste and above all integrity. These are the qualities that have allowed me to survive as an artist against all odds. Here today I will outline for you my rise through the ranks of this business they call show in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else to stick to their dreams and never give up.

I was born by the railroad tracks. Down and out on the wrong side of town. We didn’t have much growing up. My mother looked after my brother and me while my dad worked his hands to the bone as a tradesman. It was a tough life but we made the best of it. My father was a hard man and instilled in me a drive to succeed. I had to work in order to earn my keep around the house and I did not disappoint. But I knew early on that my life had a different meaning. I had another drive deep within me that would not be quieted. A burning desire that could not be quelled. A dream that could not die. A destiny that would not cease until it had taken its course. A fate that was woven into the fabric of time long before I was even born. A plan that only a greater power could truly understand. A fabulous power that was revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said…

But I digress.

My point is that I was meant for art. I was more intelligent than most during school and my instructors encouraged me to great things. But I was bored with their tutelage. My mind was drawn to something that could not be taught. Something so vast and all-encompassing that the universe itself pales in comparison to its greatness. Something only the Greeks have ever come close to discovering. A secret so raw in its power that even I, the incomparable Bob Woolsey shakes in fear at the very mention of it. Something so ancient and sacred that only a deserved few have ever been able to harness it.

I’m speaking of course about the perfect artistic creation. A manifestation of pure originality. Among some of history’s greatest:

Hamlet
A Tale of Two Cities
Adventures in Babysitting
The Ninja Turtles
The Predator Series
Crash
The Dark Knight

Throughout my rise to the top I’ve encountered many naysayers. Many downtrodden would-be artists who gave into their lesser instincts and sold out to the highest bidder. But I kept my head high and looked toward the sky everyday. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. So my advice to anyone out there who doubts themselves. Anyone out there who isn’t sure if they have it in them. Anyone who feels like they’re down for the count. Anyone behind the eight ball. Anyone struggling to stay true to themselves as artists. I say this: Keep on truckin’ because you never know.

Bob Woolsey out.

P.S. This Is Our Youth
Written by:
Kenneth Lonergan
Starring:
Andrew Baker as Warren
Sean Gilchrist as Dennis
Sydney Cochrane as Jessica

The Havana Theatre
1212 Commercial Drive
August 26 – 30
Doors at 6:30
Curtain at 7:00
Tickets $15

Let me begin by giving you my food credentials:

I eat about two and half to three meals a day. I’m primarily an eater of western foods, but I have ventured into other cultures on many occasions. I also cook whenever I can and enjoy it very much. I think meat is a valued part of any dish, although I have tried (and liked very much) many vegetarian and vegan dishes. I have a large extended family and as a result food has factored largely into our get-togethers. Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthday, Camping trip, etc, there was never a shortage of food. And so I bring to you, my tribute to: FOOD.

I think it makes sense to break down this blog in terms of meals, so here are my favourite foods for all times of day:

Breakfast

As a somewhat stereotypical white person, I love breakfast. It is my favourite meal of the day. There’s nothing so good as getting up late on a Sunday, cooking a big breakfast and stuffing your face full of delicious eggs, toast and bacon whilst strumming your guitar on the veranda or enjoying the weekend newspaper with a hot cup of coffee.

One of the best ways to treat yourself with a breakfast meal is to switch it around and have breakfast for dinner. Crazy, I know! But oh so delicious.

I’d like to take time out now to have a moment of remembrance for one of the tastiest breakfast meals ever created that sadly no longer exists. I’m talking about the Meat Lover’s Skillet from Denny’s Restaurants. Let me say that I am in no way a huge supporter of Denny’s. In fact I find most of their food rather disgusting, but they sure hit gold with the Meat Lover’s Skillet. To this day I remain baffled as to why they took this genius creation off their menu. I was able to order it for about a year and half after they took it off, but those glory days are no more. RIP Meat Lover’s Skillet.

Lunch

Everybody knows that the sandwich is the ultimate lunch creation. You can’t do any better than a scrumptious stack of bread, meat, veggies and cheese. That is of course unless you choose to grill this stack of glorious goodness! I am of the mind that meals should be hot. There are exceptions, of course, but by and large I consider cool meals to be nothing more than snacks. That is why I am in love with the invention of the grilled panini.

Bread Garden is a good place to go for a good panini. They are a bit on the expensive side, but their panini’s are delicious. If you are a Vancouver resident and like chicken sandwiches as much as I do, Yaggers Downtown Restaurant and Sports Bar is the place to go. Their free run chicken breast panini is perhaps the best in all the land.

Other spectacular lunch choices: The Hamburger. Sushi (if you’re into that sort of thing). Leftovers are always a great lunch treat, kind of like a little dinner in the middle of the day.

Dinner

Pizza is good any old time. A nice slice can be a satisfying breakfast, lunch or dinner treat. However, traditionally the pizza is a dinner menu item. And boy is it ever good! My personal preference is the meat lover’s once again. But pizza also gets the award for being one of the most versatile of foods. You can put pretty much anything on one of those greasy wheels and it would taste pretty good to me.

My idea of a great dinner goes hand in hand with a nice alcoholic drink to wash it down. In the above case of pizza, beer has got to be your drink of choice. On other occasions nothing compliments a dinner meal better than a nice glass of red wine. Dinner, more than any other meal should be a communal experience. Getting drunk with a group of good friends whilst eating a delicious meal is about as close to heaven as you can get for this young blogger.

Being of British decent, I tend to like the heavier dinner meals; meat and potatoes kind of things. There is a Scottish dish that I grew up with called Mince and Totties. Basically it’s some kind of ground beef stew served over a mound of mashed potatoes with mashed carrots and turnip on the side. Truly a wonderfully warming meal! Best served in the winter.

Other dinner favourites of mine: Steak. Pasta. Fish.

Dessert

And now to one of my favourite parts of any meal: the dessert. Let me begin by saying that the combination of chocolate and peanut butter is the most perfect and delectable taste known to humankind. As a result, most all of my top desserts are based on some kind of peanut butter – chocolate combo. However there are other great desserts to choose from as well.

Strawberry shortcake is a nice light choice.

Cheesecake is a classic. Again, if you’re ever in Vancouver and you want good cheesecake go to Trees Organic Coffee & Roasting House. They have the best cheesecake I’ve ever tasted.

When the season is right, Pumpkin Pie cannot be beat. It even overtakes peanut butter and chocolate for the last few months of every year. Trees Coffee has a seasonal Pumpkin cheesecake that I simply cannot get enough of.

Honourable Mentions

Mexican food is straight up fantastic. Respect.

My favourite Mexican food spot: Delicados

Other ethnicities whose food I love:

Greek.

Italian.

Indian.

Chinese. This is a recent one. My new boss is a fan of Chinese food and took the office out for Dim Sum. It was a wonderful dining experience. I definitely plan on repeating.

When all is said and done, food is a neccessary part of our lives. We would die without it. But it’s so much more than just a means of keeping our bodies functioning. It’s a ritualized cultural statement no matter where you are in the world. Food is what gives a person their power. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

Sound familiar? I know it does to me.

In this hard knock life we live it’s easy to get down on yourself from time to time, easy to whine, easy to just plain give up. The regular reply to this kind of behaviour is one of the above sayings from a father or authority figure of another kind. But just how does one go about being a man? What does standing tall entail exactly? Is walking hard simply an especially vigorous form of regular walking?

These are hard questions and there are no easy answers. At least that’s what I’ve found as I’ve cried myself to sleep many a night thinking about them. In fact, I would say that being a man is much more complex than the most manliest of man’s men would make it seem. Look at Gary Cooper, Kris Kristofferson, Sam Peckinpah, Johnny Cash, Russel Crowe, Tom Selleck, John Wayne, Steve McQueen - they all seemed like they didn’t give a shit about anything. Thus making them seem tough, hence their status as manly men. Not so, however. Let me explain.

First off, everyone has feelings. Even men. No matter how manly a man may be, he still HAS to have feelings, it’s like a law of nature or something. Survival of the fittest and feelings – those are the two laws of nature. However these laws are in a distinct disagreement when it comes to being a man. How can a man stay true to how he feels whilst showing no weakness to all the other men he is in competition with? The answer is easy: He ignores each and every ping of emotional substance that he has. Of course, this is easier said than done. It takes a lifetime of suppressing your thoughts and fears until eventually you reach a state of being that is so uncompromisingly cool, it’s downright manly.

Some say this is a barbaric way of life. And those people are right. After all, isn’t barbarism the true pinnacle of manliness? To care about nothing, slay your enemies and own respect wherever you go. I mean, if Kublai Khan wasn’t a man’s man then who was?

But I digress.

The 21st century is a time like no other and men have had to adapt in order to remain in control. Of their feelings. A few strategies when burying your feelings so deep they don’t affect you:

- Facial Hair. It acts as a metaphoric barrier to other people. Don’t the manliest men always have sweet beards?
- Denial. If you don’t believe a certain feeling is actually even happening, it can’t get to you.
- Preemptive emotional attacks. If you hurt everyone around you first, how are they going to hurt you?
- Seclusion. If a feeling arises in the forest and no one else is around to see it, does that feeling even really exist?
- Maintaining a generally ornery mood. If you can’t NOT feel, then just feel angry. It’s the next coolest state of being to emotionless.

So as you can see being a man is much more difficult than many think. Dealing with life’s challenges is no easy task for any gender, but the man has a particularly unique approach. If you’re not a man and you’re reading this, well I just hope I’ve been able to shed some light on the man’s psyche.  However, if you are reading this and you are indeed a man, I hope this document has helped you to achieve a higher level of manliness. If I can make just one man more manly… man what a magnificent mission accomplished that would be. For me.

This particular tribute: Well-fitting pants.

Let me begin by saying that I am a fan of well dressed people. I admire their ability to put outfits together and walk the streets stylishly. However, I do not consider myself a well dressed person most of the time. Appropriately dressed? Yes, but well dressed? That’s a stretch. I like the old t-shirt and jeans combo – or perhaps the t-shirt and shorts combo, depending on the season. T-shirts are easy to find. There are plenty of people making really cool t-shirts (Jadefish is a perfect example). You don’t even really have to try them on. Once you know your general t-shirt size, you’re set. Pants however, are a different story.

Is it just me or does every single clothing store have a different measurement for jeans? I go to one place and 34×34 fits great – I go to another and it’s way too small. I should say that I have little or no patience when it comes to shopping for things, especially clothes. If I have to try on more than one pair of pants, I get very cranky. Obviously, as I’ve outlined above, due to the stupid lack of standardization between clothing stores, I often do have to try on 3 or 4 pairs of pants in any one outing. As a result I avoid shopping for clothes at all costs. In the last year I would say that I’ve shopped for clothes a total of about 4 times. And I hated each and every one of them.

Which is odd because I really like the feeling of getting new clothes. You go out of the house after de-tagging all your gear, confidently sporting the entirely new outfit. It feels good. Like a fresh haircut. Could it be that the pure agony you have to go through in order to achieve this is what makes the feeling so sweet? I don’t know, but I do know that there is nothing better in this world than a well-fitting pair of sharp looking new pants.

You know what I’m talking about – those pants you slip on that hang off your hips as though part of your body. So comfortable that you’d rather wear them than be naked, even when alone. That finely cut fabric that accentuates your personality so well that you feel unstoppable while wearing it. It’s a power so dangerous that it has been taken to extremes so grotesque you could hardly imagine. Leather pants come to mind. But even then, who could resist the temptation of another animal’s skin tailored to fit your legs so perfectly?

The notion almost allows me an understanding of high fasion.

Almost.

When all is said and done, pants are about comfort and functionality. They keep you warm, guard your legs from various scratchy things and provide that oh so spectacular place to put your keys. This is why women had to invent purses. In fact, one could even argue that pants are the reason the Woman’s Liberation movement took off so successfully in the first place. They saw the pant and said “I want to wear those too! They look so comfortable.” And they were right to do so.

Pants truly are an historical item. And I love them.

Here’s to you — Well-Fitting Pants.