I’d Rather be Sailing
Since I was but a boy I have heard the call of the ocean, beckoning me to take my rightful place in this world as a seaman. Unfortunately I was born inland with a deathly phobia of sharks. However, my longing for the sea has not waned and I remain facinated with the naval tradition even today. How does this affinity for all things aqua affect my everyday life, you might ask? How do I cope with this unrealized dream that burns deep down inside me?
Well, I listen to a lot of Jimmy Buffett, I watch The Hunt For Red October whenever it comes on TV and I take baths instead of showers whenever possible.
You might say I’ve given up on my dream of being a sailor. You might also say that I’ve lost part of who I am by not following this passion. You might be a jerk. But, as we all know, you can’t be everything you want to be in life. Some desires have to give way to others so that we may be genuinely successful at one thing rather than kinda good at many things. It’s how we deal with these lost opportunities that make us into one of two kinds of people:
1) Happy, well adjusted, relatively normal individuals.
2) Losers.
Here is my theory on how to make sure you end up as number one instead of number two:
Tags: All Blogs, ballerina, bob woolsey, Comedy, dancer, dreams, golf course, restraining order, sailing
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Shake On It!
Let me open by saying that the handshake is becoming a lost art. I am deeply saddened by this.
Sure, we have fist-pounds, high-fives and various other hand movements that can mean a variety of different things at an any given time, in any given context. The sheer amount of variation in these hand motions make them inherently confusing. If you buy a house from a guy and he tries to high-five you it could mean anything. Yeah, maybe he’s just happy for you. But then again, maybe he just swindled you out of thousands and thousands of dollars. Who knows? The handshake however, is clear. The handshake is resolute. The handshake is steadfast.
Since the beginning of time, or at least since the Romans, we’ve been using the handshake to signify some kind of cooperation. It’s an acknowledgment of a new acquaintance, a finalization of a deal or a congratulatory gesture. In whatever form it takes, the handshake can be trusted as a traditional gauge of a person’s character.
Tags: All Blogs, bob woolsey, bribery, Comedy, handshake, technique
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Good Music: Let Me Tell You What!
There’s a lot of people listening to a lot of music these days. You’ve got your top 40 airheads, your R&B/rap mofos, your alternative rock peeps, your screamo weirdos and so on. Music, like porn, seems to have mushroomed into a relentless eruption of uncontrollable proportions during the digital age. Anyone can download a couple programs, buy a mic and become a recording artist. These artists make up the ‘independent’ scene of course. Like in film independent recording artists are allowed a much greater leeway with what they produce since there’s no real money being put on the line by anyone but the artist themselves.
Again like film, big record executives now watch the indie scene for bands that are getting some buzz or creating a following. They then poach these artists (sorry, ‘discover’ them) and make millions of dollars off their hard work. Wow, I sound like Steve Blouin. Anyway, this is the basic lay of the land, as they say, in the music industry today. The question I raise is this: With so much stuff out there, how do you know what’s cool? And by extension, how do you know what to listen to in order to make yourself seem cool to others? Read on my friend, the answers lie below.
Tags: bob woolsey, indie band, jimi hendrix, johnny cash, kurt cobain, music
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How to be a Ninja in Everyday Life
As we all know, Ninja-ism is a way of life. Not just some guy in a black suit lurking in the shadows – that’s a child molester. Ninjas are elite warriors who have been trained from childhood in the intricacies of a centuries-old martial art that utilizes stealth, physical prowess and honor. But it’s not just the Ninja’s ability to perpetrate an assassination that makes them cool. No, Ninjas have a lot more we can learn from them. In fact, a lot of the Ninja teachings and Ninja philosophy have everyday applicability.
Since the first Ninja, Prince Yamato of Japan, people have continually been in awe of the Ninja’s sweet ass ability to lay the smack down. You just don’t mess with a Ninja. They don’t take shit from anyone and they do WHAT they want, WHEN they want. What could be more cool? We’ve all been in those social situations where skills in sabotage, espionage, scouting and hand to hand combat would come in handy. It’s in these very situations that we should look to the tradition of the Ninja to guide us.
Tags: All Blogs, bob woolsey, karate kid, ninja, pat morita, stealth, yamato
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My Home and Native Land
I’m proud to be a Canadian. I’m very aware of the fact that I won a huge celestial lottery when I was born here. Universal health care, good beer, a moderate government, great comedians, good beer, no terrorism, no hurricanes or earth quakes, hockey, good beer. You can’t really complain if you live in Canada. Unless you’re homeless or something like that, but then that’s your own fault, get a job and stop holding the rest of us back.
As we all know July marks the beginning of Canada. We all get together and remember how the British beat the shit out of the French on the Plains of Abraham. How the Hudson Bay Company fur traders set up forts and outposts where they could feed the Aboriginal peoples fire water and sell them small pox blankets. Ah, the memories. Seriously though, Canada is a great place. We’re a simple people who love life, good times and snow. I thought I would take some time out to remind us of our part in keeping this nation great. So, here are a few guidlines to follow in our endeavour to be the best Canadians possible.
Tags: bob woolsey, canada, canada day, canadian, hockey, multiculturalism, toboggan, toque
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Party Chat Procedure
The party chat is an art unto itself. When you’re at parties it’s a given fact that you’re going to end up talking to someone you barely know. Many times these people will be boring and idiotic. Other times they might actually be able to carry on a half decently intelligent conversation. Still other times, if you’re extremely lucky, you might run into a convicted fellon or a former drug runner – but these instances are rare. Most times though you’ll be stuck, screaming in your head for whoever you’re conversing with to “SHUT THE HELL UP!!!” or wondering if you have enough milk at home for your cereal in the morning. That’s where I come in. I have developed a strategy for dealing with just these kinds of encounters and I share this information with you now. Prepare to get wise.
Party Talk Strategy #1: Control the conversation.
There are a lot of pedantic jerks at parties. People are selfish. They like to talk about themselves, how they paint on weekends, how they’re writing a novel but just can’t seem to work up the courage to ‘share’ themselves so intimately on the page or how they went rock climbing in Gibraltar on their trip to Asia. The first thing you have to do is lull them into a false sense of security by acting like you’re really interested in what they’re saying. Then start to drop comments into the conversation that will take it in a more interesting direction. When they mention how they like to start off with some cardio before they move into weight training at the gym say something like “Oh, tell me about it! My personal trainer, Linda, tries to get me to do that but we just always end up having sex in the change room.” Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, lying is key to good party conversation.
Tags: All Blogs, bob woolsey, chat, guide, party
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Get fit – Have fun.
We’re living in a fitness obsessed society. Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod called it. Everywhere you look people are running, jogging, doing yoga and various other ‘healthy’ activities. Which is strange because is seems like more people are fat these days than ever before. If you ask me, looking after your body is overrated. I mean, the only real benefit to keeping fit is that it allows you to get laid on a regular basis more easily. If your face is ugly, the least you can do is have abs. But lets face it, it’s really hard to get in shape. Especially if you haven’t exactly been keeping up with your crunches lately (or for the past decade). All this begs the question – if being fit is so hard to achieve, then why are you even trying to do it in the first place?!
Whenever life hands you a challenge like this the first thing you should do is look for the best way to cheat. Luckily, cheating is the one thing you can count on the public school system to teach children. Of course, in this case, the best way to cheat is to APPEAR like you’re in shape when in reality you spend your evening cuddled up on the couch with a bag of Cheetos.
Tags: All Blogs, bob woolsey, fitness, gym, hal johnson, joanne mcleod, workout
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You Can’t Tie This Blog Down!
Now, I know I will end up homeless one day for sure. I make little money, consider myself an artist and take note of all cozy looking spaces on my walk to work. Long have I known of the harsh cruelties of this world as I live in Vancouver – which has the most homeless people of all the cities in the world (per capita). It’s a fact. Everyday I see how they live, trashcan to trashcan, begging for change or whatever else they can get. Quite frankly, it’s depressing. Not so much for the fact that they are homeless or that they are hooked on drugs or that they haven’t showered since 1993 or that they all seem to be able to look after dogs and not themselves – but rather for the fact that they don’t have to live this way.
Take 60s and 70s rock music. All the answers to these people’s problems lie there. When one finds themselves in a homeless state what one needs to do is RAMBLE. This takes what should be a hopeless and forlorn state of being and makes it cool and exciting. If you can work GAMBLING into your life at this point that’s even better. But lets stick with the particulars of rambling for now.
Tags: All Blogs, bob dylan, bob woolsey, clint eastwood, harrison ford, lynyrd skynyrd, rambler, the band
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This Blog is Fight! By Bob…
The fight: a physical confrontation between two individuals. To dance, to chuck ‘em, to drop the gloves, to get crunk, to lay the smack down, to step to, to take it outside, to throw down, to want a piece of, to throw the hands.
Now, I should mention that I’ve never been in a real fight. I’ve been in hockey fights, witnessed/helped break up a couple of bar fights and I punched my brother in the face one time. But by no means do I consider myself a violent person and the prospect of getting punched in the face myself frightens me. However, I am convinced that I would do okay if the time came for me to ‘man up’.
First off, I’ve watched a lot of fights. People tell me I make good comments when watching UFC and other types of fighting. This leads me to believe that I have a pretty good handle on the theory of hand to hand combat. I’m a relatively in-shape guy. I play hockey once a week and I spend a lot of time outside. This leads me to believe that my conditioning would hold up at least long enough to put in a respectable effort. Plus, I’m tall. Reach is a key factor in these types of things. Lastly, I’ve had coaching. My father once told me “if you ever get in a fight, you better make the first one count.” Who can feel vulnerable with wisdom like this on their side?
Tags: All Blogs, bob woolsey, Comedy, Fight, Smooshed
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