Lately I’ve been feeling a little lost. I look around at my contemporaries- people my age, younger- and can’t help but be baffled at where things are headed. I tend to shake my head a lot. I feel like an old man who yearns “for the good old days” and that if “those darn kids could just keep it down”, I could have my milk and go to bed.

Our world is even more connected than ever, yet we’ve chosen to be anonymous, isolated. Everything is instant, there’s no time to wait. Our language is being lost amidst a flurry of key beeps and LOLs.

A lack of formal education hinders me from writing a meandering essay about the socio-political causes, contrasting class and economic details that may cause some of the problems cited. Hence, here is a list of current social trends that I abhor. Enjoy.

Uncurved baseball caps with stickers on the brim

Take them off, curve the hat. That is how it works.

Small children

I wouldn’t tolerate an adult yelling and screaming some unintelligible nonsense whilst flailing his limbs and spitting at me as I browse the magazine rack at London Drugs. So why would I stand by and let you, as your mother calls you “Jared”, (probably spelled Jarrid or some other retarded way) ruin a magazine I have no intention of paying for? Children should not be seen nor heard until they have a valid driver’s license.

Did you know that SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) can be classified on child deaths up to and including four years of age? That doesn’t sound so sudden to me.

Really, that’s all I can say. Get off the phone and hug somebody.

This is another trend from the urban hip hop community that preppy white kids stole. Look, I like rap: Mos Def, Talib Kweli. I’m down with Jigga and I think Reverend Run truly rocks the party and comes correct, his cuts are his time and rhymes correct. There’s no debating that. But if this needs to stop.

Attention white people: You will never look as cool as a black guy. Stop shaving your head, pull up your pants, and buy a polo shirt. Thank you.

I’m so sorry if I don’t like to waste six litres of water just to make the water clear again. Stool is another story. Urine is a class of it’s own. It should NOT be feared.

Urine is sterile. You can drink it.

Studies indicate that a rapidly growing trend for young French-Canadians is a post-secondary hitchhiking trip across Canada. Many come from well-to-do homes, however ending up on the streets at some point or another. I have empathy for the homeless- the disabled, mentally ill homeless. The lazy, young able-bodied kids? Well, let me put it in terms they may understand:

Retour au wence vous êtes venu, vous écume horrible de Quebecor !

I understand that you are old- by my estimates, you have approximately fifteen years left to live- however, you needn’t smile at every waking second.

Life isn’t that great.

Sure, maybe you’re on some killer drugs or you’re wearing a butt plug, but please, keep your joy inward. The rest of us want to smack you in the mouth and dislodge your butt plug.

I’d like to unite all of these grievances, pinpoint a through line and suggest some kind of social parable. I’d like to, but as I mentioned earlier, I am highly uneducated.

Goodnight Cleveland!