President.  Hawk.  Boot-stomper.

Bush was many things: A thief. A liar. A war criminal. But apart from sending young men and women into the desert to die on a God damn lie, Bush accomplished many, many great things that will stay with the world until time stops.

Today, we take a look back at the legacy George W. Bush.

But before we begin, a little about myself.

Hello. How are you? That’s good. Are you comfortable? I’m making tea. Do you want a cup? Well just let me know. I can reheat it. My name is Andrew. I have no socio-political expertise, no formal education nor credentials to speak of. I shoot from the hip. I vote with the gut. I suffered a severe brain contusion as a child that sometimes affects the way muffins. I am however a staunch advocate of history and have a strong thirst for justice.

You might be thinking, “Hey, a lot of this stuff Andrew claims Bush to be celebrated for is actually bad. Is this that fancy new ‘irony’ that my father warned me about?” The answer, Kevin, is no.  Irony is the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of the literal meaning. Now go fuck yourself.

Oh that reminds me. This blog will contain no Cheney.

The Man

George W. Bush was born on July 6, 1946 in New Haven CT. Contrary to popular belief, Connecticut is not in Texas and therefor George Bush cannot and will never be a cowboy.

Bush was spawned by his father and mother, former US President George H.W. Bush, and possible chick with a dick Barbara Bush. He married grape juice baron Laura Welch in 1977.

Bush graduated Yale and owned the Texas Rangers baseball club for awhile. He often wore bluejeans.

While achieving moderate success both as a businessman and functioning alcoholic, George W. Bush reached his true calling on the morning of September 11, 2001, when two aeroplanes hit the World Trade Center in New York. Bush didn’t exactly rise to the occasion, but he did use the events to spur a false war that has since claimed some 4500 American lives.

A Brief Overview of Achievements

- Did not attend one single US soldier’s funeral
- Plunged the US into a record deficit
- Almost died from pretzel-inhalation
- Waved at Stevie Wonder
- Ducked not one but two flying shoes

Next Week

On Part Two of my eleven part series, we will look at George W. Bush’s greatest adversaries*: his father’s love, cocaine, and Barack Obama.

*Greatest adversaries subject to change

Today I oblige by thieving from my cohort and often times partner in crime Bob Woolsey, whom several hours ago made bold predictions about the upcoming year of our Lord, 2009.

I was born February 16th, 1985, on the same pool table in Newark, N.J. where I was conceived. In grade four I got an award for a short story I wrote, mostly because I was the only child to submit theirs into the contest.  I worked at McDonalds for two and a half years, never felt any real trauma or pain in my childhood, and graduated high school with mediocre grades and aspirations. Oh, and when I was three I fell down a flight of stairs and cut my chin on a vase. Nineteen years later I fell down a similar flight of stairs while stoned out of my mind looking for a vase to put stolen flowers in. I guess you could say my life has come full circle.

So it is with great accomplishments already behind me that I look forward to 2009 and the challenge of going farther. Further? Farther? Fuck. Let’s just look ahead.

The first thing I would like to accomplish in 2009 is to find a new haircut. I’ve been contemplating a mohawk or a sideways David Bowie ironic faux-mullet, but I think it’s just time to jump in to the fire. My hair is long enough that I can slick it back like an Italian, so I know I’ve got options.

While Bob wants to wed, I will respectfully disagree with that goal. Marriage is probably the worst thing I could do to another person. I think having a male heir would be a good idea, so I will audition young boys for the role as executor of my estate. However much like Bob, my life savings is also around -$30 000 so there will not be a whole lot of estate to execute until someone invests in my anti-gravity patent.

Sometime during the summer, I’m going to test my endurance by running as fast as I can, as hard as I can, and not stop until my legs give out and I collapse in the middle of the road. This will be a dry run for when I hop the barricade to the Georgia viaduct in 2010.

If I could be involved in some kind of international espionage adventure next year, I would be quite happy. Something with car chases, roof to roof jumping and close quarters fist fighting. To have any role in a coup or an assassination plot would be most thrilling… well, not just ANY role. I don’t want to be the guy on the phone who tells the hero where the double agents are or who can’t be trusted when handing off the briefcase. Nor do I want to be the random thug who has his tibia cracked by a reverse shuffle kick. I should just be bold and say that I want to be Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity.

Hell, I’d even be Matt Damon in The Talented Mr. Ripley.

I’ll do the weird stuff.

bobandandrew.com factors heavy into next year’s plans. Mr. Woolsey barely scratched the surface of what we’ve got planned going in to 2009. I can’t go into detail, but let’s just say in involves Barack Obama, NASCAR, and the kidnapping of an adult horse.

Other Plans for bobandandrew.com in 2009

- More sketches about rape
- Obtain pet monkey
- Finish self-help book
- Join a Fight Club
- Euthanize pet monkey when it becomes too powerful
- Stop drinking
- Apply for tax shelter

Count how many times Bob and Andrew say “shit” this week. You’ll be surprised.

Click to play or download for your iPod.

This leads Bob to consider things in life that he doesn’t understand, such as road rage, fighting, and racism.

Click to play or download for your iPod!

Sparked by Andrew’s theory on what it should take to be a lawyer, Bob and Andrew run the gauntlet of today’s politico landscape.

Click to listen or download for your iPod.

Perhaps you’ve seen one the many Apple product addresses, where in Mr. Jobs will pull a new iPod out of his ever-decreasing-in-size pockets and a thousand people will orgasm in unison.

At the most recent Apple suck-fest, yes, new iPods were unveiled and yes they are sexy as hell and yes I would trade a testicle for one, but something else was introduced of particular interest to me: iTunes Genius.

More or less a playlist generator, Genius scans your library of music and based on dozens of factors (rhythm, beat, length, genre, level of involvement of Rick Rubin) it populates a list of songs “similar” to the one you selected. It’s great for making quick playlists if you’re in the mood for a particular type of music, or looking for new artists (with links to the iTunes store handy).

But enough suckin’ at the proverbial dink. We’ve got bigger problems.

I love music.

I love music like a deaf person loves handing out little pieces of paper that explain basic sign language, except music doesn’t snatch the paper back when they see that I don’t have any coins. (What the hell, man? I thought this was a gift!)  Genius seemed perfect for me, a lazy music enthusiast. But there’s a problem: in order to function, all of the information based in your iTunes folder is sent to Apple for processing. It is… processed… and then sent back with Genius raring to go. Hmm, not to sure I like this information exchange.

Genius is getting too smart. Too powerful. It knows me, and how I think.

It must be destroyed.

Confrontación Inicial

Humans are imperfect. No man is without fault hence no machine he creates can be either.

The Death Star was blown up with a single beam of light. Surely I can trick Genius and prove it inferior to me.

So now- visually- I will take you along on my mission to destroy iTunes Genius.

Hold on to your sack.

Victor Desagradable

A surefire bet, at least I thought, was to take a b-side from an indie artist. Yes, Jeff Buckley will be for sale in the iTunes store (buy two albums get free water-wings?) but this isn’t a single, or even a song he’s that known for. Let’s see Genius do something that matches the sultry tone and sweet whisperings of one of music’s greatest.

Motherfucker! What a good playlist. Another thematic wave, a few bursts of rock and roll and some singles.

Damn it. Foiled!

Tiempo para Atacar

Perhaps I needed some perspective: is there a new way to look at the message, as opposed to the medium? I went to the thesaurus. “Defeat” suggested I look up the word “puzzling”, which led to me the lynch-pin, the word that opened the gate to the path that leads to the house. And within that house? Victory.

A synonym for puzzling is queer. Queer? Why, I now know how to thwart Genius.

Elton John!

While Elton proved to have the strangest mix of songs, it is still, at least, vaguely appropriate.

Apple Computers 1
Andrew Computers 0

I think I am going about this all wrong. Genius isn’t something I should fear/want to bring down. Perhaps embracing the beast is the best tactic. Not figuratively, of course; I’m not going to print these screen captions and paste them to a pillow just so I can physically embrace Genius.

No. I will literally embrace Genius.

Okay, so what have we learned here today?

1. The irrational fear of technology is futile and advancement should be embraced like a warm blanket or cold Popsicle.

2. Elton John, while talented, only somewhat disrupts a digital media organzing program.

3. Mos Def would have been a better vice presidential candidate than Joe Biden.

I thank you for your time.