Jesus? No.

Family? No.

Good will towards men? No.

Christmas means one thing to me and one thing only:

Presents.

Whoever said it was better to give than to receive must have never gotten a good present in their life. Gifts are like love that you can touch. They warm your heart and possibly even your physical body in the case of an electric blanket.

So here is my Christmas list for this year. Think of it as Oprah’s favourite things episode except without me giving anything away.

First off, I would like say that I like technology. If I own enough gadgets I just know I could get my life in order and be more productive. It is for this reason that I want a computer for Christmas.

Many of my friends have changed over to Apple computers. They swear by them. I, however, am afraid of change. I abhor new things and the learning they force me to do. Give me old. Give me safe. Give me a 386 Packard Bell Legend and I will be just fine. A couple upgrades and that puppy will be playing with the big boys of Mac and Microsoft no problem. Nobody ever complained about Windows 95 like they do about Vista. Plus, I’ll still be able to play all my old floppy disc games that don’t work in fancy “new” computers.

What is Christmas if not fun? I mean that’s what getting stuff is all about, isn’t it? You’ve got to have things to play with on Christmas morning. It is for this reason that I want a Sega Genesis for Christmas.

Growing up all my friends had the latest gaming systems. I still remember when my cousin got a Nintendo for the Christmas of ’88. Boy was I jealous. Therefore when Sega came out with its gaming system, I knew I had to have it so I could one up my cousin. This year is the year my wish comes true, I can feel it.

Games I’d like for my Sega: American Gladiators, Street Fighter 2 and Star Trek: The Next Generation: Echos of the past.

As with most Christmases, this year I have a few toy requests. I’m always trying to expand my toys so that when my friends come over we can play. That is why this year, I want the Turtle Van.

This is of course the Van that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles use to get around and fight crime. I used to have a Turtle Van but it was given away by my mother.

Everyone knows that you have to have the proper accessories to your toys, otherwise they’re just no fun. Once I get my hands on the Turtle Van there will be no stopping my mini turtle action figures from stopping the evil foot clan and bringing justice to New York City.

Of course, with these toys, video games and computer on my list I’m going to need to get outside for some exercise. Winter is an especially fun time for this since you can play in the snow. That is why I absolutely need to get a GT Sno Racer this year.

The GT Sno Racer is the ultimate in sledding technology. With this machine at my control I will be undisputed champion of the sled hill. And with 50 goal scorer Brett Hull’s endorsement, this is also the coolest ride on the hill.

I can’t wait to carve into the powder and sail through the air on my high performance sled. It’s going to be glorious.

I hope you all have made up your Christmas lists for this year. Christmas is just over a week away and I’d hate to see anyone not get exactly what they want. You might get caught up on certain things and continue to want them throughout your life, whether they’re actually still available/appropriate or not. So make a list and be thorough.

Happy Holidays everyone!