I have my sneaking suspicions that their true motives for taking us on this trip was their stinging feelings of guilt over never following up on their promise to take us to Disneyland when we were kids. To this day I experience a recurring dream wherein I get to meet Goofy only to have him remove his mask and reveal himself as the creepy, dirty traveling fair guy that used to stop in our little town every summer. It’s horrible.

There are a lot of things I wasn’t ready for in Las Vegas and I’d like to share them with you here. I know you probably think that a place so well documented in the movies and pop culture would be easy to prepare for. You’d be wrong and also a jerk for sand bagging me and my blog.

I will describe my experience for you. In doing so, I will outline what you need to know in order to enjoy Las Vegas to the maximum.

First of all, Las Vegas is not a pretty place. It’s actually kind of tacky and ugly. This may not seem like a revelation to many of you but it was to me. I don’t know what I expected but I did not get it. Las Vegas looks much like I would imagine a movie set to look like. Therefore it looks great on film and in pictures but very, very cheap in real life. It’s a lot like when you’re walking down the street and you see what you think is an extremely attractive person coming towards you. You prepare yourself to smile in a flirty kind of way, but as they get closer and closer you see that they are in fact down right ugly. From afar you are able to see whatever you wanted to see. Up close, you can’t deny the truth. Much like the cheap hookers its known for, Las Vegas always looks better in the dark. A lot of lights and knock off architecture is Las Vegas’s heavy make-up and short skirt. The thing to be prepared for here is that Las Vegas is not a classy place. You will have a much better time if you leave any illusions of this at the airport.

Las Vegas is not relaxing. In fact, it’s extremely stressful. The moment you leave your hotel room you’ve got copious amounts of pressure being applied to you. Pressure to buy, pressure to gamble, pressure to eat, pressure to shop, pressure from all sides. This pressure is disguised as an ability to deliver fun to you. Don’t be fooled. Like a gold digging girlfriend, Las Vegas is only after your money. You will immediately be struck by the frantic activity of it all. People everywhere looking around and seeming to have a good time. But they’ve fallen for Las Vegas. They’re in lust with their surroundings. Next thing they know, they’ll be broke, sad and alone. Be wary of this my friends. Keep your wits about you. Las Vegas does not love you. No matter what it says it to you.

Las Vegas is in the middle of nowhere for a reason. What happens in Vegas is meant to stay in Vegas. You will see many people with this attitude. As I was there with my brother and my parents it was impossible to fully take advantage of this aspect of Las Vegas. Also, as mentioned above, I didn’t have any of my own money and so any activities I took part in required the presence of my mother. Clearly, whatever I did in Vegas was NOT going to stay in Vegas. In fact, anything along the regular lines of Vegas craziness probably would’ve precipitated an in depth family discussion that I just wasn’t prepared to get into.

Lastly, I am not a gambler. Contrary to my belief that I could figure it out as I went along, there is a lot more to it than the popular Kenny Rogers song indicates. In fact, I would venture to guess that at least 90% of people lose at gambling! It’s demoralizing. It’s as though people come to Las Vegas with money that they KNOW is going to be lost. And they actually ENJOY the act of losing it. It’s anarchy.

As you can see the circumstances of my trip to Las Vegas were less than ideal. I would like to go back, but under different conditions. Here are the things I’d do differently next time:

First off, I would have to have at least, AT LEAST $3000 spending money. That way you can gamble a little bit and still have money left over to see some shows. The shows are the best part of Las Vegas and the best shows are not cheap. For decent seats you’re looking at 200 – 300 dollars. Either that, or you’ll have to find a low level bell hop with connections that you can bribe with sexual favours. However, I must warn you that Las Vegas is full of people willing to do this to get what they want. As a result, dropping to this level won’t set you apart from the crowd like it will in most regular places.

Secondly, I would learn how to play poker and/or black jack. These tables are very intimidating to just jump right into. It looked like one of them was going to pull a gun and shoot one of the other players for cheating at any second. I’m planning on spending a little bit of time at some of the local casinos here in Vancouver playing some low stakes games to get acquainted with the ins and outs. It looked to me as though the people playing these games were having much more fun than the people who were mesmerized by the slot machines.

Lastly, I would plan ahead. One of the most stressful things about Las Vegas is walking out of your hotel and not knowing what you want to do. It’s like a grocery store: you have to go in with a plan or risk being lost wandering around for hours and buying a shit-ton of things you don’t need. Also, especially when traveling with family, it’s good to balance what everyone wants to do. If Uncle Clarence wants to go see some peelers while Grandma Betsy is intent on seeing Bette Midler and all the while Cousin Harriet won’t leave the buffet, things can get a bit scattered. Because believe me, the buffets are delicious! It’s important to know what you’re going to do before hand. That way you stay on track.

If you aren’t going with family – up your spending cash to at least, AT LEAST $10,000 and go wherever the wind blows you, my friend.

These are my lessons from Las Vegas. I hope they help. Good day and happy traveling.

Party Talk Strategy #1: Control the conversation.

There are a lot of pedantic jerks at parties. People are selfish. They like to talk about themselves, how they paint on weekends, how they’re writing a novel but just can’t seem to work up the courage to ‘share’ themselves so intimately on the page or how they went rock climbing in Gibraltar on their trip to Asia. The first thing you have to do is lull them into a false sense of security by acting like you’re really interested in what they’re saying. Then start to drop comments into the conversation that will take it in a more interesting direction. When they mention how they like to start off with some cardio before they move into weight training at the gym say something like “Oh, tell me about it! My personal trainer, Linda, tries to get me to do that but we just always end up having sex in the change room.” Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, lying is key to good party conversation.

Once you’ve dropped a bomb like this, the pompous party person will not know what to do. They might awkwardly laugh it off and continue, at which point you just continue to try and steer the conversation with your lies or they might actually try and talk to you about the introduced subject matter. In this case, casual sex with a professional who is on the job. If they do try and further the subject, you’ve got them. All you have to do now is use quick, vague answers to their queries until they end up talking about their sexual past. It’s a great way to keep the subject matter interesting to you.

Party Talk Strategy #2: Take the piss out of whoever your conversing with.

The best part of meeting strangers in a party setting is that you probably won’t have to see them again. This allows for a lot of leeway in regards to attitude towards said people. It’s a lot more fun to have a conversation with an idiot if you don’t give a shit. So when whats-her-face goes off about how she just got a dog and how it’s brightened up her life so much and how she feels just like she has a child now – say something like “Wow, I’m so happy for you, my wife and I lost our child in a tragic boating accident last year – maybe WE should just get a DOG!” Or you could go a more subtle route and say something like “Hmm a dog, what is it a lab? A collie?” and then whatever their answer is just groan and say “Really? Of all the dog breeds, that’s what you choose? Jesus Christ your stupid!” Overreaction is a large part of this strategy.

On the down side, this one is a lot harder to sustain. Once you’ve begun to take the piss out of someone, they will soon become angry or hurt and often leave the conversation.

Party Talk Strategy #3: The pissing match strategy.

Again, people are selfish. Many people find parties as a nice way to check in and see how their doing in the old race of life. They ask other people what they’ve been up to only to retort with a bigger and better anecdote about their own life. These people are hollow and generally empty inside. A great opportunity to have some fun with a party guest.

Again, lying is huge here. However, in this strategy you’re going to want to make sure your lies are more believable. If ever a person you’re in a pissing match with figures you’re lying, they automatically win. As we all know, the only thing sadder than having to be better than everyone around you, is having to lie to achieve it. Now, since we’re simply engaging in this behavior for a laugh, it works out.

So when a particularly fragile, empty shell of a human being approaches you and begins to tout their accomplishments, saying they just spent 3 months in Africa helping starving children, respond with something like “Wow, very impressive, I just got back from my lab where we just put the finishing touches on the AIDS cure.” Again – keep your lies believable.

This brings us to our last party chat strategy: The exit strategy

There will be conversations that are just too dull to have any fun with. For this you have to be prepared. If it’s at all possible, bring a trusted friend to the event with you. When it comes time to exit an unwanted conversation just ask you friend if they have any Mentos. As you will have planned out before hand, your friend will say “Yes, they’re just in my jacket, come on, I’ll get them for you.” And voila! you’re free.

If you don’t have a friend it’s a little trickier. You can pretend to recieve a phonecall, saying your phone was on vibrate, but this can be tricky as people often choose to actually call you right in the middle of these kinds of lies.

The best way, in my experience, is to go back to the tried and true lie. Say that you’re a doctor and that you have to check in with the hospital to see if they need you. Or say that you’ve an intestinal problem and have to use the bathroom erratically. This allows you to use the bathroom excuse as much as you want and plus people just generally don’t want to talk to people with severe bowel problems.

So there you have it. An easy to follow guide to party conversation. I have now empowered you in the party setting. Never again will you have to feel nervous or bored while talking to total strangers because some guy you know just moved into a new house. But I warn you: Use these strategies wisely. Do not abuse them and they will not abuse you. Remember, with great power comes great… how does that go again?