Hello. I am Terry Joseph Wharburton. I produce The Bob & Andrew Show podcast here at bobandandrew.com.

Bob and Andrew have been nice enough to let me blog on the Internet this week. I hope you like what I have to say about Christmas time, my favorite time of the year.

First of all I’m going to say right now that this “Happy Holidays” bullshit has got to stop. It’s Christmas time, not holidays and fuck. If one more person says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” I’m going to punch them in the face and then take their wallet. Here is my guide to Christmas.

If even one of my ex-wives loved me enough to let me see my children, I would give them the best Christmas ever.

I grew up real poor, so I know what it’s like to have no cabbage or ricecakes at Christmas dinner. If I was lucky enough to get a gift it was usually something I already owned and Pops would just wrap it in newspaper. I got a shoe polish kit one year and made a bundle down at the gas station, until mother died an I had to pawn the stool for bus money.

Anyway I am fucking rambling. Here’s how you Christmas.

Get Tree

The best way to fuck up Christmas is to get a bad tree. If you have any scrote you’ll go into the woods and chop down a pine or a douglas fur or some other such conifer. However lots exist that will sell chumps pre-cut and wrapped trees for about sixty bucks. You can usually break in at night and take a few; security is lax.

All you gotta do is heff it into your truck and truck the bitch home.

Decorate the tree with tinsel and ornaments that remind you of better days.

Buy Shit

You gotta get gifts. I suggest going to the Dollar Store.

Twenty bucks usually does it, and you can often gets something nice for yourself.

Cause it’s the holidays and you gotta treat yourself.

Drink

Get fucking slammed on Christmas eve. Just go for it. Either alone or in a bar. I pref bar cause you have a better chance of getting laid at a bar. Though I suppose you could just stay home and jerk off and save cab fare, but Christmas is a time of giving and you sometimes just gotta give it to a whore.

My favorite drink is Canadian Club whiskey with Coke. Sometimes I go into a bar with my own flask and just order Cokes. They usually give them to you for free if you say you’re a designated driver. And, if you make friends easily, you can offer to drive a fellow drinker home. Drop him off and you’ve got a brand new car to use until the police come.

Do Family

I miss my ex-wife and my kids. I want nothing more than to be loved again. Ah, fuck my life.