As it turns out, God has a beard and guitar. He sings of the common folk, of love and of heart ache. He tells stories and paints pictures of all the varied emotions we feel as human beings. Then he hangs out with Willie Nelson and John Prine while he collects royalty cheques for such hits as Sunday Morning Comin Down, Help Me Make it Through the Night, and the aforementioned Me and Bobby McGee. This guy is truly a living legend. If there were anyone in the world that I wish was my Dad (other than my real Dad, of course) it would be Kris Kristofferson. Sure, I would’ve had to put up with an alcoholic father who spent most of his time on the road but I would’ve also been calling Johnny Cash Uncle. The pros seriously outweigh the cons.

Lets start off by running down a little of this guy’s more impressive accomplishments. A man of great intelligence, Kristofferson was a Rhodes Scholar. He was a golden gloves boxer. The son of a United States General, he entered the army where he gained the rank of Captain. It was in the army that he became a helicopter pilot. Upon being offered tenure to teach at the illustrious West Point Military Academy, Kristofferson turned it down, moved to Nashville and became a janitor. It was there that he pitched many of his now legendary songs to the likes of Johnny Cash and other country superstars of the time. I think it goes without saying that this guy could kill you with his bare hands then turn around and sing a heartbreaking love song to your lifeless corpse. No small feat in my book.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the story of Kristofferson landing his helicopter on the front lawn of Johnny Cash’s house and handing him a demo of ‘Sunday Morning Comin’ Down’. Cash went on to record the song and thus began Kristofferson’s career as one of the greatest American songwriters of all time. He’s basically an action hero with a guitar. And a beard. He’s like a country singing Chuck Norris, but cooler.

Of course while all this was going on, Kristofferson also became an actor. He was good friends with the infamous Sam Peckinpah and acted for Peckinpah many times. He nailed Barbara Streisand in ‘A Star is Born‘ and even acted for a young Martin Scorsese in ‘Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore‘. What did I tell you? Cooler than Chuck Norris by far.

Now lets indulge in something of an academic exercise and analyze one of Kristofferson’s songs. There is no truer test for a poet than to have your words stand up to in-depth scrutiny. We will now shed light on the magnificent songwriting prowess that is Kris Kristofferson. We will delve into the man’s very soul to uncover truths about humanity and see if his words can stand the test of time.

For this exercise I have chosen ‘Sam’s Song’ from Kristofferson’s 1995 album A Moment of Forever.

SAM’S SONG by Kris Kristofferson

I have been with the best that the bastards could muster
From Danny the Dildo to Sidney the Snake
And I feel like a working girl pausing to wonder
Just how much screwin’ the spirit can take

Chorus:
I said, “Willie old buddy, please tell me again
The reason to keep goin’ on.”
He said, “There’s no harder words to say over a friend
Than they done you so righteously wrong
They stopped you from singing your song”

He was our hero, boys, he took the bullet
But he went down swingin’ his fist from the floor
You can ask any working girl south of the border
Sam Peckinpah era un hombre for sure

Chorus:
Willie old buddy please tell me again
The reason to keep goin’ on
He said, “There’s no harder words to say over a friend
Than they done you so righteously wrong
They stopped you from singin’ your song.”

But not me.

Analysis: KICK ASS!

See you in October Kris.

ShareThis

Again like film, big record executives now watch the indie scene for bands that are getting some buzz or creating a following. They then poach these artists (sorry, ‘discover’ them) and make millions of dollars off their hard work. Wow, I sound like Steve Blouin. Anyway, this is the basic lay of the land, as they say, in the music industry today. The question I raise is this: With so much stuff out there, how do you know what’s cool? And by extension, how do you know what to listen to in order to make yourself seem cool to others? Read on my friend, the answers lie below.

As with everything these days, the mainstream sucks. We’re about individuality, striking out from the norm, being our own person! So the first thing to do is look to your friends and see what they’re listening to. If three or more like the same band, that band must then be regarded by you as shit. Simply because of their over exposure. However, if two or less of your friends like a particular band, that means it’s pretty cutting edge and cool. You should like this band too. In fact, you should pretend that you liked this band even before your friends did and tell the rest of your friends about it. Then, when 3 or more friends have become fans of this band, you should move on saying that they’ve ’sold out’ or that ‘their early stuff was so much better’.

For instance, take bands like Arcade Fire, Death Cab for Cutie and The Killers – as indie bands no one knew about, very cool – as popular bands everyone is talking about, LAME. The lesson: Don’t let yourself get attached to any band you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel their success around the corner. It’s the basic rule to being on the cutting edge of music. Knowing all the hip new bands is only part of the equation though; a really cool music buff knows the greats too. Which leads me to my next point.

Johnny Cash is god. Hands down. His music has crossed over into every single fan base and thus he is the most safe one to like. You see, with music history it’s exactly the opposite of new bands. When discussing music history your favorite artists should have a wide appeal that was earned despite a troubled past of naysayers and misunderstanding. Johnny Cash is generally the most accepted among the kind of people you’re looking to impress.

When confronted with a rival music lover that obviously knows more obscure modern indie bands than you, simply say ‘yeah well, nothing’s ever going to be as good as Johnny Cash’s Live at Folsom Prison album’ and all will be well between you and the other music fan. The reason is because music history is about trend setters. Bob Dylan, Jimmy Hendrix and Kurt Cobain are prime examples.

The best way to guarantee that a classic musical artist will be regarded as cool among your peers is to ask ‘were they understood in their time?’. If the answer is yes, then they are not cool. If the answer is no, start buying up the record catalog! The key proof to being a music lover is to have the record shelf to back it up. Which brings me to the finer points of music snobbery.

Always refer to CDs as ‘albums’ or ‘records’. Conversely, always refer to songs as ‘tracks’ or ‘cuts’. A subscription to RollingStone magazine helps. They are, after all, the leading literature in the field of music snobbery. Try to own a working turn table. Any music fan will tell you that vinyl is the fullest sounding music you’ll find.

Lastly, to be a true music lover, regarded as an authority on such matters in your circle of friends you’re going to want to have your own indie rock band. They can be bad, in fact, it’s better if the music your band makes is completely horrible. That way, you can say that no one understands your style and that one day you will be looked back upon as a musical visionary who was ahead of their time. It also makes it easier to keep the band going since practicing isn’t really necessary.

In closing let me just say that music is better than ever. In this Prog-Rock, Neo-Alternative, Classic-Retro-Post-Modern-Rockology age there’s really no limit to the possibilities of how much shitty music people can latch onto as the next big thing.

ShareThis