I figure I lie about thirty times a day.  It’s mostly small stuff, things I could easily tell the truth about but choose not to.

Sometimes people will ask me how I’m doing. I always answer “fine” even though I never am. The idea that one can be “fine” is abstract to me at best. If every problem in my life suddenly solves itself and I’m left with a short window of happiness, yeah, maybe then I’m fine. But I assume that window so distant and brief that I probably won’t recognize it, let alone be given the opportunity to answer that question, for the first time, truthfully. But that’s neither here nor there.

This lady was handing out free cookies at work the other day. I said I was allergic to sugar and she looked really upset for me. I am not allergic to sugar and sort of wanted a cookie. But, I lied.

Oh, and one time this little girl was looking for her cat, crying her eyes out and shouting it’s name (something cliche, like “Mittens” or “Donut”. Fuck if I remember.) Anyway, I walk past her, and she asks me if I’ve seen it. I say “no”, despite seconds earlier passing by a cat of the exact description she gave me.

Life is painful. Better get used to it, little girl.

Lying: How Do I, and Yes I Will!

The best way to lie to someone is to look directly into their eyes and tell them the opposite of what is true.

If you’re having trouble lying to someone, like say a child or an elderly widow, just picture them in 1940s Germany at Buchenwald with their hand on the switch of the gas chamber. Stare into their soul and watch as they smile and laugh, snuffing out dozens of lives with a single flick of their finger. Should be pretty easy to lie to a murderous Nazi, shouldn’t it?

When Not to Lie

While lying is a invaluable skill, there are certain moments where lying is not the best idea.

I’ve yet to come across such a situation. Am I lying? Look into your heart.

Homework

It’s time to get out into the real world and demonstrate what you’ve learned. Perform one of these tasks by 6:00 PM Friday.

1. Shave your head and tell women you have cancer.
2. Tell your mom she’s going to be a Grandmother. Then, never mention it again.
3. Lie about your income and name to secure a bank loan in excess of $50 000.
4. Murder a neighbour’s dog, feign empathy and anger when the mutilated corpse is discovered hanging from a tree several weeks later.
5. Send Michael Mcdonald fan mail.

Parting Thoughts

Remember, if you can tell the truth, you can lie. Because:

featuring:
Sean Gilchrist as Marty
Charlotte Chanler as Lana
and
Andrew Menzies as Himself