They are the progeny of our race. As animals, some might say that it is Humankind’s sole purpose to create them and propagate our species. Others would say that we have moved beyond this basic savage need to a more enlightened sensibility. Either way, children are everywhere.

I’m sure you’ve seen them around. They are the portion of our populace that is between birth and puberty. They’re short, dim witted little things that are unusually cute and annoyingly loud. Don’t be fooled by these simpletons outward appearance, however. Although they possess welcoming, warm little faces with big eyes and pudgy cheeks they are burdens to society. You see, their underdeveloped brains and puny bodies make them unable to clothe, feed or sometimes even go to the bathroom by themselves.

All of this raises the question: why do we even have children in the first place? The joys of sexual intercourse, perhaps? But we’ve developed contraceptives so that we can still engage in a little nookie without risk of conceiving a child. On the other hand, there must be benefits to the challenging endeavor of rearing young. Surely people do it for a thought-out reason of some kind.

Let’s explore the pros and cons, shall we?

We’ve already started to take a look at some of the cons so lets start there. Cons to having children:

• Noise. Children make so much noise in the beginning that many new parents become sleep deprived, irritable and even downright unable to function at times.

• Complete dependence. Children, as stated, are imbeciles. They cannot do basic tasks and as their parent, it becomes your responsibility to step in. These tasks even include wiping your child’s ass. Also, if you are not a smart enough parent, this dependence can last long beyond a child’s physical dependence stage and result in a prolonged emotional dependence. You may even find yourself at the age of 88 with your children still living at home, still raiding your fridge and even living off you financially. Beware the risk of dependence. This is a huge con to having children.

• Financial burden. This goes to the last con, but deserves a point of its own. Children cost money. They need things bought for them on a regular basis and are unable to earn money for themselves. Plus, if you are able to get rid of your children when they reach a mature age, you may be asked to support their education. This could count into the tens of thousands of dollars!

• Embarrassment. This is a technological age. Children, having known no other way of life, will take to new technologies much faster than you can ever hope to. Although they are small and do not know nearly as much about the world as you do, they will be able to run circles around you when it comes to new inventions. Beware.

• Stink. Children smell. Like, a lot. They puke, they poo, they pee themselves. It’s not pretty.

• Laws. Children have rights. You if you fail to provide them with shelter, food and other necessities or if you merely abandon them because you’ve changed your mind about having them – you will go to prison.

• No guarantees. There is no telling what kind of child you will give birth to. Your child may be ugly or even worse, a freak. Who knows if they will have a healthy social life or ever accomplish anything in their lives. The risk factor in having a child is definitely a con.

• The ‘No-Divorce’ clause. Once you’ve had children you will feel an overwhelming pressure to marry your mate. And if you are already married to this person you will feel an even greater pressure to stay with this person for the sake of the children. If you are unable to stay with the other parent of your children, society will judge you.

That pretty much covers the main problems with having a child. I should know, I was one. As far as the pros go, there are a few. Pros to having a child:

• Unconditional love*. For the first decade or so of a child’s life they will pretty much love you no matter what. Beware con number one though, they are noisy and will experience fits of rage and sadness. However, once these episodes have passed they will continue to love you.

• Free labor. Until they are considered adults by the court, children belong to you. As such, it is okay for you to give them work to do around your house. The beauty of it all is that you can write this slavery off as teaching the children a “work ethic” and developing “character.” This is why I highly recommend having children if you are a farmer of any kind. Or if you are a small country in need of a military force.

• Pride. There is a profound sense of accomplishment when you’ve made another living being. You can take your offspring around and show your friends. Children are a great hit at parties. People will come up to you and ask you about your child. They will be amazed as your child performs even the simplest of tasks. Even though the child is merely playing out its predetermined genetic coding, you will be able to take credit for nature’s brilliance without question.

• Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Now that both sides of the situation have been laid out, we should consider the variables around having a child. How do you find a suitable mate? When is a good time to copulate? How many times should you reproduce? Are there any prerequisites for having a child?

In short, all you really need to do is knock up the next chick you see and let nature take its course.

However, you can minimize many of the risks involved with having children if you are selective in this process. Once you’ve found an appropriate mate you’re going to want to assess this person’s parenting skills. The more adept your mate is at parenting, the more of that responsibility you can sluff off to them. In terms of timing, children are best enjoyed as a relatively young person. I would reccomend having children somewhere between the ages of 30 and 40. That way you will be able to reap the benefits of having children without having to sacrifice any of your 20s, yet your children will still be old enough to take care of you when you are an incontinent 80 year old.

So, best of luck in all things child related.

*Although children will provide you with unconditional love for the first decade or so of their life, any love provided after this time will be very, very conditional. It may even be affected by the way you treated the unconditional love early in the child’s life.

Jesus? No.

Family? No.

Good will towards men? No.

Christmas means one thing to me and one thing only:

Presents.

Whoever said it was better to give than to receive must have never gotten a good present in their life. Gifts are like love that you can touch. They warm your heart and possibly even your physical body in the case of an electric blanket.

So here is my Christmas list for this year. Think of it as Oprah’s favourite things episode except without me giving anything away.

First off, I would like say that I like technology. If I own enough gadgets I just know I could get my life in order and be more productive. It is for this reason that I want a computer for Christmas.

Many of my friends have changed over to Apple computers. They swear by them. I, however, am afraid of change. I abhor new things and the learning they force me to do. Give me old. Give me safe. Give me a 386 Packard Bell Legend and I will be just fine. A couple upgrades and that puppy will be playing with the big boys of Mac and Microsoft no problem. Nobody ever complained about Windows 95 like they do about Vista. Plus, I’ll still be able to play all my old floppy disc games that don’t work in fancy “new” computers.

What is Christmas if not fun? I mean that’s what getting stuff is all about, isn’t it? You’ve got to have things to play with on Christmas morning. It is for this reason that I want a Sega Genesis for Christmas.

Growing up all my friends had the latest gaming systems. I still remember when my cousin got a Nintendo for the Christmas of ’88. Boy was I jealous. Therefore when Sega came out with its gaming system, I knew I had to have it so I could one up my cousin. This year is the year my wish comes true, I can feel it.

Games I’d like for my Sega: American Gladiators, Street Fighter 2 and Star Trek: The Next Generation: Echos of the past.

As with most Christmases, this year I have a few toy requests. I’m always trying to expand my toys so that when my friends come over we can play. That is why this year, I want the Turtle Van.

This is of course the Van that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles use to get around and fight crime. I used to have a Turtle Van but it was given away by my mother.

Everyone knows that you have to have the proper accessories to your toys, otherwise they’re just no fun. Once I get my hands on the Turtle Van there will be no stopping my mini turtle action figures from stopping the evil foot clan and bringing justice to New York City.

Of course, with these toys, video games and computer on my list I’m going to need to get outside for some exercise. Winter is an especially fun time for this since you can play in the snow. That is why I absolutely need to get a GT Sno Racer this year.

The GT Sno Racer is the ultimate in sledding technology. With this machine at my control I will be undisputed champion of the sled hill. And with 50 goal scorer Brett Hull’s endorsement, this is also the coolest ride on the hill.

I can’t wait to carve into the powder and sail through the air on my high performance sled. It’s going to be glorious.

I hope you all have made up your Christmas lists for this year. Christmas is just over a week away and I’d hate to see anyone not get exactly what they want. You might get caught up on certain things and continue to want them throughout your life, whether they’re actually still available/appropriate or not. So make a list and be thorough.

Happy Holidays everyone!

featuring:
Jamie Slade as Randy
and
Stephen LeBail as Jake