In the Animal Kingdom, there is no rule of law. There is no schools, is no churches, is no grocery stores. You gotta fight to survive.

Every animal for herself.

I am here today to count down the top three land animals based on a detailed flow-chart of various factors. However, the flow-chart was damaged in transport therefor I cannot show it to you. You’ll just have to take my word that it was an intricate and complex flow-chart that would have illustrated my points quickly and concisely.

Now, some of you might say ranking the best land mammals is a fruitless and trite waste of time. I have no immediate defense for such accusations. Seriously, why you gotta go breaking my balls like that?

Keep in mind this list is exclusive to land mammals. Sharks, eagles and dinosaurs were excluded for obvious reasons. (Sharks swim, eagles can fly, dinosaurs do both and were genetically engineered by humans.)

Marmot

I can relate to the marmot because a marmot is basically a large ground squirrel that whistles when it is frightened. Marmots also helped spread the bubonic plague. At one time, they were the number two killer of humans. Number two! It’s really easy to see how a marmot could kill a human. Look at him. He’s adorable.

Imagine a couple of sixteenth century children frolicking in the mountains. They come across a clearing, perhaps near a stream and/or river. A small, dashing young squirrel-like creature emerges from an alcove. It’s furry, quite rotund, and chirps like a bird.

The children bend down to pet the critter. He purrs, tensing as the children giggled with excitement. But suddenly, there’s a swipe of the paw, a blood-curdling scream, and before you know it…

Bubonic plague.

Grizzly Bear

Dig this: what animal can be a source of delicious meat, make a warm comforting coat, and be stuffed and placed at one’s doorway a sign of danger to trespassers? If you answered grizzly bear, you are correct.

Native to the mountains of Canada and the burgeoning indie rock scene , the grizzly bear is a killer of both fish and people. It hunts in packs and in fiercely loyal to it’s cubs. Yogi Bear is a case study in bear loyalty. While Yogi yearned for that picnic basket, his first and foremost concern was for that of the well-being of his son, Booboo.

Human

Even if you take away all of man’s advantages- opposable thumbs, karate, bifocal glasses, the English language, nuclear weapons, helmets, grappling hooks, soccer cleats- humans are still a formidable opponent for any animal also on the list of "Best Land Mammals".

Yes. You may read many articles in newspapers about Grizzly bears attacking and maiming some hapless hunter. But this is just the liberal media spreading anti-bear fear. Do you ever hear of a human attacking a bear? No! But it happens all of the time.

In the spring of 1972, Gerald Walker was hunting quail in the Pacific Northwest. Alone, and thirsty, he paused by a river to get a drink. All of a sudden, a marvelous grizzly bear appeared out of the myst. Gerald shot the bear in the face and made the bear’s pelt into coat and boot liner. Did the New York Times runs a front page story about Gerald Walker murdering a bear? No, of course not!

Honorable Mentions

Squirrel

Antelope

Hamster

Super Shredder

Gremlin