Man-Up March is in full effect. What? You don’t know what Man-Up March is? Well, then you’re probably not doing it right.

MAN UP; (mahn uhp); verb: To hiken one’s bootstraps; to become a man.

MARCH; (mah-rach); noun: The third lunar month.

Use your headspace to combine those two shitbricks.

Get it? Good. Let’s roll!

History

Man-Up March was developed primarily by me, Andrew Menzies, on March 1st, 2009. It was a personal promise, based principality on the guise of Carpe Diem and not acting like a little bitch. The term was simple enough to be a mantra, self-explanatory and rather blunt; each word like the pop of a machine gun. Short; easy to carve into a tree, or your arm.

Ostensibly, the idea is that you go after what you want and don’t piss around like a ninny. Man-up… ostensibly.

Man-Up March was ratified by High Commissioners Robert Woolsey and Stephen Lebail at approximately 2:12 AM, March 5th, 2009 on the chalice of Rickard’s Red in a dank hipster bar at last call. I believe T. Rex was playing over the loudspeaker and I had just come from the toilet (#1). Bob was leaning somewhat sideways (for he was drunk) and Mr. Lebail smelled of cigarettes (for he had just smoked). Both had known of my Man-Up March proposition, and upon brief debate, agreed it to be enacted.

While a crest and kilt pattern are forthcoming, Man-Up March is off to a rousing start.

Examples of Men

Eddie Van Halen, Jesus, Steve Winwood, Mr. T, Rowdy Roddy Piper, The Hamburgler, Rocky Balboa, Jake The Snake Roberts, the guy who invented cigarettes, Bob Barker.

Making it Personal

Now, there are hundreds of ways to properly celebrate Man-Up March. The most obvious is to Man-Up.

I have drafted this simple chart to answer solve of the most common problems.

Onward!

I cannot and will not declare Man-Up March a success, for we are still in the month of March. That would just be ridiculous.

Personally, I can tell you I am preparing to Man-Up in a way I have never Manned-Up before. I have to be sketchy on the details for I am certain if I were to let slip my plans, they would be circumvented almost immediately by the viewing public. Also, I am terrified of judgement. I will give you a hint: it involves a sword and a brief appearance by the element of fire.

So please, take it from me: Man Up. Grab life by the dick-straps and make it yours. Don’t hold back OR surrender. You’ve got maybe fifty solid years between being a weak and shitty baby and being a weak and shitty old shit. And unless you believe in the afterlife, this is your one shot at freedom. At glory. At redemption.

Man-Up!

And if all else fails, there’s always “Drink Your Problems Away April”.