Bathroom = Ghoulish
It’s Halloween week here on bobandandrew.com and so I’ve decided to give you all some tips and pointers for one of the scariest places on Earth: The Bathroom.
I’m not talking about the public variety either, no, I’m talking about your common household bathroom. They’re small, damp, noisy and depending on the person responsible for the bathroom, extremely dirty. When you’re in the bathroom you’re at your most vulnerable. You’re often naked or in some degree of nakedness, performing an activity that can’t easily be stopped; perhaps with your pants around your ankles. This makes it very difficult to deal with any kind of situation while in the bathroom.
As a child I had a recurring nightmare wherein I was trapped between the toilet and the bathtub in such a position that made it impossible for me to move. I am mildly claustrophobic and thus this nightmare haunted me. I also found the loudness of the toilet as it flushed very alarming. I would do my business, go for the flush handle and run out of the bathroom as fast as possible for fear of some great monster erupting out of the violent flow of water disappearing into some unknown place. It was terrifying. Hence my deep seeded fear of the bathroom began. These, of course, were the outlandish fears of a child’s imagination. Today I fear much more practical things in the bathroom. Luckily for all of you, I have come up with contingency plans for all unexpected bathroom situations.
Tags: bathroom, bob woolsey, defense, floss, mirror, murder, safety, shower, statistics, toothbrush
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iTunes Genius: Andrew vs. The Machine
You may not be aware of Apple Computers, or Steve Jobs for that matter. So I’ll drop some knowledge before I drop the science: he’s the tight black-sweater, blue as blue can be jean wearing son of a bitch who runs Apple Computers.
Perhaps you’ve seen one the many Apple product addresses, where in Mr. Jobs will pull a new iPod out of his ever-decreasing-in-size pockets and a thousand people will orgasm in unison.
At the most recent Apple suck-fest, yes, new iPods were unveiled and yes they are sexy as hell and yes I would trade a testicle for one, but something else was introduced of particular interest to me: iTunes Genius.
More or less a playlist generator, Genius scans your library of music and based on dozens of factors (rhythm, beat, length, genre, level of involvement of Rick Rubin) it populates a list of songs “similar” to the one you selected. It’s great for making quick playlists if you’re in the mood for a particular type of music, or looking for new artists (with links to the iTunes store handy).
But enough suckin’ at the proverbial dink. We’ve got bigger problems.
Tags: American Sign Language, apple, Barack Obama, Billy Joel, BMW, Candle in the Wind, deaf people, Death Star, drowning, Elton John, fear, Ghetto, immortal technique, iPod, iTunes Genius, Jeff Buckley, Joe Biden, karoake, machines, Marcy Projects, metal, Mos Def, murder, music, Piano Man, popsicle, rap, Rick Rubin, rock, sack, scooter, star wars, steve jobs, suck-fest, Terminator 2, vaguely gay
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Grand Theft Adulation
Several days ago I blogged about Grand Theft Auto IV and how it is ruining my life.
I have since decided that there are a number of practices and facets of the Grand Theft Auto world that would translate well in to real life.
I present to you the best eleven of sixty-four I was able to come up with.
First and foremost the ability to be shot and killed, only to resurrect seconds later with just a small amount of your money taken as a penalty is certainly something I and other thrill seekers would enjoy immensely. Often times I have looked at a building and wondered, “Could I jump off that not die?”. A no-death law would make every answer to that question an emphatic “yes”.
Tags: andrew menzies, apples, auto, babies, BASE jumping, blouin, bob woolsey, capitals, cats, change, death, fight club, grand theft, GTA IV, jump, life, murder, murders, niko bellic, sex crimes, word
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