I’m not talking about the public variety either, no, I’m talking about your common household bathroom. They’re small, damp, noisy and depending on the person responsible for the bathroom, extremely dirty. When you’re in the bathroom you’re at your most vulnerable. You’re often naked or in some degree of nakedness, performing an activity that can’t easily be stopped; perhaps with your pants around your ankles. This makes it very difficult to deal with any kind of situation while in the bathroom.

As a child I had a recurring nightmare wherein I was trapped between the toilet and the bathtub in such a position that made it impossible for me to move. I am mildly claustrophobic and thus this nightmare haunted me. I also found the loudness of the toilet as it flushed very alarming. I would do my business, go for the flush handle and run out of the bathroom as fast as possible for fear of some great monster erupting out of the violent flow of water disappearing into some unknown place. It was terrifying. Hence my deep seeded fear of the bathroom began. These, of course, were the outlandish fears of a child’s imagination. Today I fear much more practical things in the bathroom. Luckily for all of you, I have come up with contingency plans for all unexpected bathroom situations.

Dangerous Bathroom Situation #1:

I am taking a shower and someone tries to murder me.

This is a common one. When you’re in the shower you’re uniquely susceptible to a murderer’s attack. Especially if you’ve reached the stage in showering when you have to wash the shampoo out of your hair or the soap off your face. With your vision removed from having your face in the water and your hearing impaired from the loud sound of the water falling all around you, you’re pretty much a murderer’s wet dream. The solution: Always keep an eye out for the murderer’s attack. Wash yourself in short bursts of water, then quickly glance back at the door to see if it is still firmly shut as you left it. If indeed a murderer should make their way into your bathroom, the key line of defense is the shower curtain. Utilize it like a bull fighter uses their red thingy and wrap the murderer up before they have a chance to pounce. Once incapacitated, grab some floss, bind their hands and feet and promptly call the authorities.

Dangerous Bathroom Situation #2:

I am pooping on the toilet and someone tries to murder me.

Also a common bathroom worry. In this case you are even more vulnerable than in the shower as you no longer have the shower curtain defense available and your pants are around your ankles making you extremely immobile. Plus, you’re mid-poop, an activity that is extremely hard to stop once started. For this reason, always take one foot out of your pants when you sit down to poop. That way you can maneuver much more effectively should a murderer attack. Another defense strategy I encourage is keeping the plunger within arms reach. That way, if a murderer does make their way into the bathroom, you can beat them off with a handy weapon. Again, once incapacitated, grab some floss, bind their hands and feet and promptly call the authorities.

Dangerous Bathroom Situation #3:

I am brushing my teeth and someone tries to murder me.

This one is not as common since most murderers worth their salt will try to get you while your pooping or showering, but it has been known to be a worry. Particularly if you use an electric toothbrush as the sound can drown out the ruckus of a murderer trying you kill you. In this case, make sure to use the mirror to its full potential and keep an eye on your own backside. %90 of all bathroom murderers approach from behind. Secondly, like a prisoner in Folsom, keep the handle end of your toothbrush sharpened in case you need to use it as a weapon of self-defense. And again, once incapacitated, grab some floss, bind their hands and feet and promptly call the authorities.

I hope these defense strategies can help you asuage your fears of being in the bathroom as they have mine. The bathroom is a wonderful place of cleanliness and fragrance when you make it safe. Have a Happy Halloween everyone.

Perhaps you’ve seen one the many Apple product addresses, where in Mr. Jobs will pull a new iPod out of his ever-decreasing-in-size pockets and a thousand people will orgasm in unison.

At the most recent Apple suck-fest, yes, new iPods were unveiled and yes they are sexy as hell and yes I would trade a testicle for one, but something else was introduced of particular interest to me: iTunes Genius.

More or less a playlist generator, Genius scans your library of music and based on dozens of factors (rhythm, beat, length, genre, level of involvement of Rick Rubin) it populates a list of songs “similar” to the one you selected. It’s great for making quick playlists if you’re in the mood for a particular type of music, or looking for new artists (with links to the iTunes store handy).

But enough suckin’ at the proverbial dink. We’ve got bigger problems.

I love music.

I love music like a deaf person loves handing out little pieces of paper that explain basic sign language, except music doesn’t snatch the paper back when they see that I don’t have any coins. (What the hell, man? I thought this was a gift!)  Genius seemed perfect for me, a lazy music enthusiast. But there’s a problem: in order to function, all of the information based in your iTunes folder is sent to Apple for processing. It is… processed… and then sent back with Genius raring to go. Hmm, not to sure I like this information exchange.

Genius is getting too smart. Too powerful. It knows me, and how I think.

It must be destroyed.

Confrontación Inicial

Humans are imperfect. No man is without fault hence no machine he creates can be either.

The Death Star was blown up with a single beam of light. Surely I can trick Genius and prove it inferior to me.

So now- visually- I will take you along on my mission to destroy iTunes Genius.

Hold on to your sack.

Victor Desagradable

A surefire bet, at least I thought, was to take a b-side from an indie artist. Yes, Jeff Buckley will be for sale in the iTunes store (buy two albums get free water-wings?) but this isn’t a single, or even a song he’s that known for. Let’s see Genius do something that matches the sultry tone and sweet whisperings of one of music’s greatest.

Motherfucker! What a good playlist. Another thematic wave, a few bursts of rock and roll and some singles.

Damn it. Foiled!

Tiempo para Atacar

Perhaps I needed some perspective: is there a new way to look at the message, as opposed to the medium? I went to the thesaurus. “Defeat” suggested I look up the word “puzzling”, which led to me the lynch-pin, the word that opened the gate to the path that leads to the house. And within that house? Victory.

A synonym for puzzling is queer. Queer? Why, I now know how to thwart Genius.

Elton John!

While Elton proved to have the strangest mix of songs, it is still, at least, vaguely appropriate.

Apple Computers 1
Andrew Computers 0

I think I am going about this all wrong. Genius isn’t something I should fear/want to bring down. Perhaps embracing the beast is the best tactic. Not figuratively, of course; I’m not going to print these screen captions and paste them to a pillow just so I can physically embrace Genius.

No. I will literally embrace Genius.

Okay, so what have we learned here today?

1. The irrational fear of technology is futile and advancement should be embraced like a warm blanket or cold Popsicle.

2. Elton John, while talented, only somewhat disrupts a digital media organzing program.

3. Mos Def would have been a better vice presidential candidate than Joe Biden.

I thank you for your time.

I have since decided that there are a number of practices and facets of the Grand Theft Auto world that would translate well in to real life.

I present to you the best eleven of sixty-four I was able to come up with.

First and foremost the ability to be shot and killed, only to resurrect seconds later with just a small amount of your money taken as a penalty is certainly something I and other thrill seekers would enjoy immensely. Often times I have looked at a building and wondered, “Could I jump off that not die?”. A no-death law would make every answer to that question an emphatic “yes”.

The same goes for GTA’s policy regarding arrest. As it stands, if you are “busted” for say, shooting an old man in the knees or swinging a baseball bat at joggers in the park, you lose all of your weapons and are fined for a “bribe” for early release. This practice would work double for me, as I carry no weapons for which to confiscate, and bribing a state official has been a dream of mine since I learned about Abscam.

Speeding, running red lights, and other usually ticketable driving offences are ignored by police in the world of GTA. Not only would free reign of the road eliminate the worst drivers (they would be dead within hours of the law taking effect), it would also speed things up for those of us willing to risk our health in order to arrive five minutes early to a dentist appointment.

In Grand Theft Auto, a single elbow smash will destroy a car window. I would like to have this power.

Hot dog carts provide a major source of health regeneration. Think about this. Got a cold? Eat a hot dog. Suffering from Malaria? Eat a hot dog. Cancer? Eat two hot dogs.

I would love to fly airplanes. There’s something about the raw power of a low-flying Boeing that brings out the child in me. However as much I enjoy airplanes, I hate learning. I’m sure figuring out altitudes is difficult, which is why GTA’s simple learning curve of various heavy duty machines appeals to me. In GTA, you can jump in a vehicle and instantly you know how to operate it, no matter what your background. Somehow Carl Johnson, a poor urban teenager was able to fly a jetpack and a F16 airplane no problem. I, a poor rural adult, should be able to do the same thing.

Sleep is something that’s expendable in GTA universe. You “sleep” when you save the game, as time is advanced by six hours. I like this. Instantly, you get six hours of rest, wake up and are ready to go again. No dreams or nightmares about Henry Rollins. Just straight up shut-eye. I could get behind that!

I wish there were hidden packages in real life.

There are no children or pets in Grand Theft Auto. Whether this is due to programming issues or the sheer outcry that would come with the ability to shoot the children with shotguns is debatable, but the fact that there are no cats or people under five foot seven is an absolute joy. I hate kids, and really don’t like to see them in public. Cats also suck. I’m not against midgets or dogs. In fact I’d welcome both into a GTA world any day. But as far as felines and toddlers go no, not needed.

Gas the cats and hide the children until they’re of age.

In previous iterations, swimming was not allowed in the GTA world. This changed with San Andreas, and continues on with GTA IV. I say we revert to the days of old, and make water poison. If you jump waist-high water, you die. No swimming anywhere.

If you don’t like it, you can eat a hot dog.