Perhaps you’ve seen one the many Apple product addresses, where in Mr. Jobs will pull a new iPod out of his ever-decreasing-in-size pockets and a thousand people will orgasm in unison.

At the most recent Apple suck-fest, yes, new iPods were unveiled and yes they are sexy as hell and yes I would trade a testicle for one, but something else was introduced of particular interest to me: iTunes Genius.

More or less a playlist generator, Genius scans your library of music and based on dozens of factors (rhythm, beat, length, genre, level of involvement of Rick Rubin) it populates a list of songs “similar” to the one you selected. It’s great for making quick playlists if you’re in the mood for a particular type of music, or looking for new artists (with links to the iTunes store handy).

But enough suckin’ at the proverbial dink. We’ve got bigger problems.

I love music.

I love music like a deaf person loves handing out little pieces of paper that explain basic sign language, except music doesn’t snatch the paper back when they see that I don’t have any coins. (What the hell, man? I thought this was a gift!)  Genius seemed perfect for me, a lazy music enthusiast. But there’s a problem: in order to function, all of the information based in your iTunes folder is sent to Apple for processing. It is… processed… and then sent back with Genius raring to go. Hmm, not to sure I like this information exchange.

Genius is getting too smart. Too powerful. It knows me, and how I think.

It must be destroyed.

Confrontación Inicial

Humans are imperfect. No man is without fault hence no machine he creates can be either.

The Death Star was blown up with a single beam of light. Surely I can trick Genius and prove it inferior to me.

So now- visually- I will take you along on my mission to destroy iTunes Genius.

Hold on to your sack.

Victor Desagradable

A surefire bet, at least I thought, was to take a b-side from an indie artist. Yes, Jeff Buckley will be for sale in the iTunes store (buy two albums get free water-wings?) but this isn’t a single, or even a song he’s that known for. Let’s see Genius do something that matches the sultry tone and sweet whisperings of one of music’s greatest.

Motherfucker! What a good playlist. Another thematic wave, a few bursts of rock and roll and some singles.

Damn it. Foiled!

Tiempo para Atacar

Perhaps I needed some perspective: is there a new way to look at the message, as opposed to the medium? I went to the thesaurus. “Defeat” suggested I look up the word “puzzling”, which led to me the lynch-pin, the word that opened the gate to the path that leads to the house. And within that house? Victory.

A synonym for puzzling is queer. Queer? Why, I now know how to thwart Genius.

Elton John!

While Elton proved to have the strangest mix of songs, it is still, at least, vaguely appropriate.

Apple Computers 1
Andrew Computers 0

I think I am going about this all wrong. Genius isn’t something I should fear/want to bring down. Perhaps embracing the beast is the best tactic. Not figuratively, of course; I’m not going to print these screen captions and paste them to a pillow just so I can physically embrace Genius.

No. I will literally embrace Genius.

Okay, so what have we learned here today?

1. The irrational fear of technology is futile and advancement should be embraced like a warm blanket or cold Popsicle.

2. Elton John, while talented, only somewhat disrupts a digital media organzing program.

3. Mos Def would have been a better vice presidential candidate than Joe Biden.

I thank you for your time.

Myspace, for those of you too cool for school/who have attention deficit disorder, was the big social-networking site before Facebook shot its beans all over the Internets.

The differences between Myspace and Facebook are glaring, but that’s not that this blog is about. Though I turfed my clusterfuck of a Myspace page about a year ago, I still find myself yearning for some of the site’s more gnarly features: Profile music playlists, over-sized and flashing backgrounds, and the fact that you can be friends with Satan . However I still find Facebook’s clean, unified themes much more appealing.

The big featuring lacking on Facebook are bulletin posts. You may argue that "the wall" and "notes" accomplish relatively the same thing, but you’d be wrong, cocksucker. Bulletins were updated in real time in a box right on your main page. While on Facebook you have to looking for your friends’ list of pasta recipes or drunk-diatribes about ex-lovers, Myspace has its car crashes right there, unable to miss.

I got to thinking about the similarities between the two giant sites, and how they more or less allow young people to define themselves based on books, movies and music other people have created. This dovetails nicely with a popular note that was frequently sent around Myspace: The Life Shuffle.

Here are the rules, as per the standard form letter:

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

The capital letters let you know this is for fucking real .

I thought it would be interesting If I did this test with my massive pile of iTunage and try to weave a through-line. I’ll warn you in advance that I failed.

1.) Are you a male or female?
"I Ain’t Tha 1" by N.W.A
Already a wrench in the works. According to the folklore, this test is supposed to describe you and your personality in a frighteningly accurate way. I fail to see anything in this hit. The song is more or less Ice Cube’s opinion about women, explicit and childish as you might expect from early 1990s Los Angeles gangster rap. It doesn’t help that this song begins with Eazy E nonsensically saying "bitch bitch bitch" for about thirty seconds.

2.) Describe yourself:
"Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" by The Smiths
Okay, perhaps we’ve got something here. "Haven’t had a dream for a long time", "So for once in my life, let me get what I want": a little emotional, but I can find moments in my past where this would tie together a nice montage. The Smiths are a great band to drink to, or to listen to after coming home from drinking. Sad, yet morosely hopeful.

3.) How do you feel about yourself?
"Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath
While I am certain a fiery hell awaits me in death, I do not consider myself special enough for the Devil to hunt me like game.

4.) Describe your current location:
"The Golden Road" by Pete Yorn
I’ll admit I wasn’t familiar with this song. I "purchased" some Pete Yorn a few weeks ago and haven’t gotten around to Westerns yet. Sort of works. Not as good as "Burrito", however.

5.) Describe what you want to be:
"I Write The Songs" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Good enough, I suppose.

6) Describe your best friend:
"Stop This Train (Acoustic)" by John Mayer
I wish I knew a conductor, let alone well enough to consider him my best friend. Think of all the perks: travel tips, the hat, free coal… yeah, that would be the life.

7.) You know that:
"Oh Yoko!" by John Lennon
I know that A) Yoko frightens me and B) this is not John’s best work.

8.) What is the weather like?
"Gatekeeper" by Feist
A song about summer, and it is summer. Whoa!

9) if your life was a tv show what would you name it?
"Can You Rock It Like This" by Run DMC
F the TV show. This is what I call my autobiography.

10) what did you do today?
"The Emperor Of Wyoming" by Neil Young
There are no lyrics to this little doosey, but I do consider it a great walking around song. And I did walk today.

11.) What is the best advice you have to give?
"Listen to My Heart" by The Ramones
A little emo, even considering the source. I try to listen to my heart, but usually my brain is saying "Have another beer," or "Yeah, you can totally jump over the park bench,".

12.) Describe your love life:
"They Hung Him on a Cross [#][Demo Version]" by Nirvana
I wonder if there are crucifixion fetishists. I’m not talking abot getting strung up on a cross and getting spanked, I mean motherfuckers getting nails drilled into them for sexual release.

13.) How are you going to die?
"Whatcha Drinkin’" by Hüsker Dü
Bang on.

14.) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
"Bicycle Race (live)" by Queen
"Mr. Race, your table is ready."

15) What do your friends think of you?
"My Hero" by Foo Fighters
This is the kind of ego-maniacal bullshit these surveys can get you. You come across a certain match like this, start to do the math, and get an inflated sense of accomplishment based on several instances when yes, perhaps you’d appear that way to your friends. However not me, not Andrew Menzies. My one instance of heroism involved a hotdog and a windy day, and well, that story is for another time.

16) What is your funeral song going to be?
"Someone’s in the Wolf" by Queens Of The Stone Age
What a way to die. Digested by a wolf. A boy can dream.

So as you can see, if you try hard enough, you can use other people’s art to eek out some kind of personality in yourself. I know I went a long way to get there and perhaps didn’t fully elaborate on my points, but fuck off. This is bobandandrew.com, not "bobandsomeotherjerkbag.com".

This is where I drop the mic.

Again like film, big record executives now watch the indie scene for bands that are getting some buzz or creating a following. They then poach these artists (sorry, ‘discover’ them) and make millions of dollars off their hard work. Wow, I sound like Steve Blouin. Anyway, this is the basic lay of the land, as they say, in the music industry today. The question I raise is this: With so much stuff out there, how do you know what’s cool? And by extension, how do you know what to listen to in order to make yourself seem cool to others? Read on my friend, the answers lie below.

As with everything these days, the mainstream sucks. We’re about individuality, striking out from the norm, being our own person! So the first thing to do is look to your friends and see what they’re listening to. If three or more like the same band, that band must then be regarded by you as shit. Simply because of their over exposure. However, if two or less of your friends like a particular band, that means it’s pretty cutting edge and cool. You should like this band too. In fact, you should pretend that you liked this band even before your friends did and tell the rest of your friends about it. Then, when 3 or more friends have become fans of this band, you should move on saying that they’ve ‘sold out’ or that ‘their early stuff was so much better’.

For instance, take bands like Arcade Fire, Death Cab for Cutie and The Killers – as indie bands no one knew about, very cool – as popular bands everyone is talking about, LAME. The lesson: Don’t let yourself get attached to any band you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel their success around the corner. It’s the basic rule to being on the cutting edge of music. Knowing all the hip new bands is only part of the equation though; a really cool music buff knows the greats too. Which leads me to my next point.

Johnny Cash is god. Hands down. His music has crossed over into every single fan base and thus he is the most safe one to like. You see, with music history it’s exactly the opposite of new bands. When discussing music history your favorite artists should have a wide appeal that was earned despite a troubled past of naysayers and misunderstanding. Johnny Cash is generally the most accepted among the kind of people you’re looking to impress.

When confronted with a rival music lover that obviously knows more obscure modern indie bands than you, simply say ‘yeah well, nothing’s ever going to be as good as Johnny Cash’s Live at Folsom Prison album’ and all will be well between you and the other music fan. The reason is because music history is about trend setters. Bob Dylan, Jimmy Hendrix and Kurt Cobain are prime examples.

The best way to guarantee that a classic musical artist will be regarded as cool among your peers is to ask ‘were they understood in their time?’. If the answer is yes, then they are not cool. If the answer is no, start buying up the record catalog! The key proof to being a music lover is to have the record shelf to back it up. Which brings me to the finer points of music snobbery.

Always refer to CDs as ‘albums’ or ‘records’. Conversely, always refer to songs as ‘tracks’ or ‘cuts’. A subscription to RollingStone magazine helps. They are, after all, the leading literature in the field of music snobbery. Try to own a working turn table. Any music fan will tell you that vinyl is the fullest sounding music you’ll find.

Lastly, to be a true music lover, regarded as an authority on such matters in your circle of friends you’re going to want to have your own indie rock band. They can be bad, in fact, it’s better if the music your band makes is completely horrible. That way, you can say that no one understands your style and that one day you will be looked back upon as a musical visionary who was ahead of their time. It also makes it easier to keep the band going since practicing isn’t really necessary.

In closing let me just say that music is better than ever. In this Prog-Rock, Neo-Alternative, Classic-Retro-Post-Modern-Rockology age there’s really no limit to the possibilities of how much shitty music people can latch onto as the next big thing.