I promised to legalize gay marriage, disband the navy, and publicly beat up Fred Phelps. Reactions were mixed.

Some argued that my strategies for gaining control of the government were in direct conflict to the freedom I wished to grant. Those people are jerks and should be ashamed of themselves.

Like any good dictator, I am back with a second wave. Below are further plans to maximize democracy and show the rest of the world how to rock the shit.

So I present to you, further plans for my ascension to power.

Naked Foreign Policy

Let’s face it: The United States foreign policy does not work. Therefor Canmerico will have no foreign policy. There will be no ambassadors, embassies or consulates.

Foreign citizens are welcome to visit and live in Canmerico just as long as they pick up their own trash and abstain from mating with locals.

No Day Care

Instead of private or state-mandated daycare, every child not under direct care of either their mother or father will be required to roam the streets. It will build character and create stronger, faster, smarter children.

Children may form gangs and commit petty criminal activities such as theft under $5000, break and enters, and sodomy.

There will be, however, zero tolerance for child on child murder.

No Religion But Bad Religion

An in-depth census will be taken when I assume control of Canmerico. All citizens who claim they visit any type of church on a regular basis will be issued one of the first five Bad Religion albums. They will be required to write a 500 word essay about what they feel after listening. Those who do not complete the essay or fail to double space will be sold into the Cambodian sex trade.

Churches will be illegal. Those which are not burned down will be converted into shelter for the homeless.

George W Bush Will be Hanged

He’s a war criminal. That’s what we do with war criminals.

Ponytails On Men Are Illegal

Men may have long hair but are forbidden from tying it into a ponytail.

Mullets will no longer exist in Canmerico and any mention thereof will be punished by public flogging.

The fate of the soul patch will be put before the public in a referendum.

Final Thoughts

1. Regis Philbin will have a seat in congress.

2. The national anthem will be the solo from “Eruption“.

3. Children will be left behind.

4. Every second Tuesday will be Pie Day.

5. All rivers will be damned.

6. Capes will be mandatory for vigilantes and the elderly.

7. Dogs are able to vote.

8. People will scars on their face will be given a government stipend of $300.

9. Pooping in the forest is encouraged.

10. George W. Bush WILL be hanged.

I would be a good Leader for Canmerico.

And so that is it. I will accomplish all of these goals and possibly more in my first fifty year term as Leader.

And I’ve decided that it would be best for North America if all three countries folded into one nation, to be ruled over by a supreme power of unrelenting fear. Me.

I know the jargon. I have the swagger. I possess the gab. I can lead a nation. I will lead a nation. These nations!

So come with me, please, as I take you on a journey of the policies and practices I would implement as captain of the ship, leader of the band, Toucan of the Sam.

I’m going to be swift and mighty, short and winded.  To cut down the time it takes to write, say “The United System of America, Canada and Mexico”, I will hereby refer to this newly formed superconductor as “Canmerico”.

Onward!

Gay Marriage is Alright

Prop 8 was passed in California. Please read up on it so you feel the right amount of outrage as any normal person should.

If two people love each other, they should be allowed to express it however they choose. The fact that it’s 2008 and there’s a black president (pending my usurp of power of course) but two men or two women cannot wed is absolutely shameful.

I plan to assign Nathan Lane an ambassadorship to the country of his choosing.

Legalize Pot Now

No one has ever gotten high and beat the shit out of their wife or crossed a median and killed a mother and child.

Some people say marijuana is a gateway drug and they are right: marijuana is a gateway to Doritos and naps.

The only drawback to pot usage is that it makes white kids wear dreadlocks.

No More Navy

With a land mass of over 24 million square kilometers (oh yeah, metric is the law now too), there is absolutely no need for a navy.

I understand the argument that since Canmerico is surrounded by oceans, a large naval fleet of battleships and slightly larger battleships would be ideal. I say nay. Nay to the Navy! As leader I will build dykes and walls up and down the coast, and station military posts on large hills to protect the ports. It worked in colonial times and it’ll damn sure work now.

Racism = $10 000 Fine

Bob and I have talked ad nauseum about racism and how lame and uncool it is. Henceforth, as leader of Canmerico, I will fine any racist activity a fee of ten thousand dollars. Half will be paid to the racistee- the person who has been discriminated against- and half will go to building a super prison where all ex-pat Australian males under will be housed until the gassings.

We’re also going to beat the fuck out of Fred Phelps. I don’t care how old he is or how many gold medals his grandson won. That man needs to take a beating.

Bail Out Your Ass

Wall Street- if there are still streets in Canmerico, I haven’t decided yet- will not get another dime from Joe Six-Pack or Jane Winebox. And you too, GM, Ford and Chrysler. Why don’t you invest in clean energy and join the twenty first century like the rest of us?

No Elections

I’m going to in charge until I am dead. Tough shit, Kucinich.