Today I oblige by thieving from my cohort and often times partner in crime Bob Woolsey, whom several hours ago made bold predictions about the upcoming year of our Lord, 2009.

I was born February 16th, 1985, on the same pool table in Newark, N.J. where I was conceived. In grade four I got an award for a short story I wrote, mostly because I was the only child to submit theirs into the contest.  I worked at McDonalds for two and a half years, never felt any real trauma or pain in my childhood, and graduated high school with mediocre grades and aspirations. Oh, and when I was three I fell down a flight of stairs and cut my chin on a vase. Nineteen years later I fell down a similar flight of stairs while stoned out of my mind looking for a vase to put stolen flowers in. I guess you could say my life has come full circle.

So it is with great accomplishments already behind me that I look forward to 2009 and the challenge of going farther. Further? Farther? Fuck. Let’s just look ahead.

The first thing I would like to accomplish in 2009 is to find a new haircut. I’ve been contemplating a mohawk or a sideways David Bowie ironic faux-mullet, but I think it’s just time to jump in to the fire. My hair is long enough that I can slick it back like an Italian, so I know I’ve got options.

While Bob wants to wed, I will respectfully disagree with that goal. Marriage is probably the worst thing I could do to another person. I think having a male heir would be a good idea, so I will audition young boys for the role as executor of my estate. However much like Bob, my life savings is also around -$30 000 so there will not be a whole lot of estate to execute until someone invests in my anti-gravity patent.

Sometime during the summer, I’m going to test my endurance by running as fast as I can, as hard as I can, and not stop until my legs give out and I collapse in the middle of the road. This will be a dry run for when I hop the barricade to the Georgia viaduct in 2010.

If I could be involved in some kind of international espionage adventure next year, I would be quite happy. Something with car chases, roof to roof jumping and close quarters fist fighting. To have any role in a coup or an assassination plot would be most thrilling… well, not just ANY role. I don’t want to be the guy on the phone who tells the hero where the double agents are or who can’t be trusted when handing off the briefcase. Nor do I want to be the random thug who has his tibia cracked by a reverse shuffle kick. I should just be bold and say that I want to be Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity.

Hell, I’d even be Matt Damon in The Talented Mr. Ripley.

I’ll do the weird stuff.

bobandandrew.com factors heavy into next year’s plans. Mr. Woolsey barely scratched the surface of what we’ve got planned going in to 2009. I can’t go into detail, but let’s just say in involves Barack Obama, NASCAR, and the kidnapping of an adult horse.

Other Plans for bobandandrew.com in 2009

- More sketches about rape
- Obtain pet monkey
- Finish self-help book
- Join a Fight Club
- Euthanize pet monkey when it becomes too powerful
- Stop drinking
- Apply for tax shelter

ShareThis