And I’ve decided that it would be best for North America if all three countries folded into one nation, to be ruled over by a supreme power of unrelenting fear. Me.

I know the jargon. I have the swagger. I possess the gab. I can lead a nation. I will lead a nation. These nations!

So come with me, please, as I take you on a journey of the policies and practices I would implement as captain of the ship, leader of the band, Toucan of the Sam.

I’m going to be swift and mighty, short and winded.  To cut down the time it takes to write, say “The United System of America, Canada and Mexico”, I will hereby refer to this newly formed superconductor as “Canmerico”.

Onward!

Gay Marriage is Alright

Prop 8 was passed in California. Please read up on it so you feel the right amount of outrage as any normal person should.

If two people love each other, they should be allowed to express it however they choose. The fact that it’s 2008 and there’s a black president (pending my usurp of power of course) but two men or two women cannot wed is absolutely shameful.

I plan to assign Nathan Lane an ambassadorship to the country of his choosing.

Legalize Pot Now

No one has ever gotten high and beat the shit out of their wife or crossed a median and killed a mother and child.

Some people say marijuana is a gateway drug and they are right: marijuana is a gateway to Doritos and naps.

The only drawback to pot usage is that it makes white kids wear dreadlocks.

No More Navy

With a land mass of over 24 million square kilometers (oh yeah, metric is the law now too), there is absolutely no need for a navy.

I understand the argument that since Canmerico is surrounded by oceans, a large naval fleet of battleships and slightly larger battleships would be ideal. I say nay. Nay to the Navy! As leader I will build dykes and walls up and down the coast, and station military posts on large hills to protect the ports. It worked in colonial times and it’ll damn sure work now.

Racism = $10 000 Fine

Bob and I have talked ad nauseum about racism and how lame and uncool it is. Henceforth, as leader of Canmerico, I will fine any racist activity a fee of ten thousand dollars. Half will be paid to the racistee- the person who has been discriminated against- and half will go to building a super prison where all ex-pat Australian males under will be housed until the gassings.

We’re also going to beat the fuck out of Fred Phelps. I don’t care how old he is or how many gold medals his grandson won. That man needs to take a beating.

Bail Out Your Ass

Wall Street- if there are still streets in Canmerico, I haven’t decided yet- will not get another dime from Joe Six-Pack or Jane Winebox. And you too, GM, Ford and Chrysler. Why don’t you invest in clean energy and join the twenty first century like the rest of us?

No Elections

I’m going to in charge until I am dead. Tough shit, Kucinich.