featuring:
Sean Gilchrist as Marty
Charlotte Chanler as Lana
and
Andrew Menzies as Himself

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Party Talk Strategy #1: Control the conversation.

There are a lot of pedantic jerks at parties. People are selfish. They like to talk about themselves, how they paint on weekends, how they’re writing a novel but just can’t seem to work up the courage to ‘share’ themselves so intimately on the page or how they went rock climbing in Gibraltar on their trip to Asia. The first thing you have to do is lull them into a false sense of security by acting like you’re really interested in what they’re saying. Then start to drop comments into the conversation that will take it in a more interesting direction. When they mention how they like to start off with some cardio before they move into weight training at the gym say something like “Oh, tell me about it! My personal trainer, Linda, tries to get me to do that but we just always end up having sex in the change room.” Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, lying is key to good party conversation.

Once you’ve dropped a bomb like this, the pompous party person will not know what to do. They might awkwardly laugh it off and continue, at which point you just continue to try and steer the conversation with your lies or they might actually try and talk to you about the introduced subject matter. In this case, casual sex with a professional who is on the job. If they do try and further the subject, you’ve got them. All you have to do now is use quick, vague answers to their queries until they end up talking about their sexual past. It’s a great way to keep the subject matter interesting to you.

Party Talk Strategy #2: Take the piss out of whoever your conversing with.

The best part of meeting strangers in a party setting is that you probably won’t have to see them again. This allows for a lot of leeway in regards to attitude towards said people. It’s a lot more fun to have a conversation with an idiot if you don’t give a shit. So when whats-her-face goes off about how she just got a dog and how it’s brightened up her life so much and how she feels just like she has a child now – say something like “Wow, I’m so happy for you, my wife and I lost our child in a tragic boating accident last year – maybe WE should just get a DOG!” Or you could go a more subtle route and say something like “Hmm a dog, what is it a lab? A collie?” and then whatever their answer is just groan and say “Really? Of all the dog breeds, that’s what you choose? Jesus Christ your stupid!” Overreaction is a large part of this strategy.

On the down side, this one is a lot harder to sustain. Once you’ve begun to take the piss out of someone, they will soon become angry or hurt and often leave the conversation.

Party Talk Strategy #3: The pissing match strategy.

Again, people are selfish. Many people find parties as a nice way to check in and see how their doing in the old race of life. They ask other people what they’ve been up to only to retort with a bigger and better anecdote about their own life. These people are hollow and generally empty inside. A great opportunity to have some fun with a party guest.

Again, lying is huge here. However, in this strategy you’re going to want to make sure your lies are more believable. If ever a person you’re in a pissing match with figures you’re lying, they automatically win. As we all know, the only thing sadder than having to be better than everyone around you, is having to lie to achieve it. Now, since we’re simply engaging in this behavior for a laugh, it works out.

So when a particularly fragile, empty shell of a human being approaches you and begins to tout their accomplishments, saying they just spent 3 months in Africa helping starving children, respond with something like “Wow, very impressive, I just got back from my lab where we just put the finishing touches on the AIDS cure.” Again – keep your lies believable.

This brings us to our last party chat strategy: The exit strategy

There will be conversations that are just too dull to have any fun with. For this you have to be prepared. If it’s at all possible, bring a trusted friend to the event with you. When it comes time to exit an unwanted conversation just ask you friend if they have any Mentos. As you will have planned out before hand, your friend will say “Yes, they’re just in my jacket, come on, I’ll get them for you.” And voila! you’re free.

If you don’t have a friend it’s a little trickier. You can pretend to recieve a phonecall, saying your phone was on vibrate, but this can be tricky as people often choose to actually call you right in the middle of these kinds of lies.

The best way, in my experience, is to go back to the tried and true lie. Say that you’re a doctor and that you have to check in with the hospital to see if they need you. Or say that you’ve an intestinal problem and have to use the bathroom erratically. This allows you to use the bathroom excuse as much as you want and plus people just generally don’t want to talk to people with severe bowel problems.

So there you have it. An easy to follow guide to party conversation. I have now empowered you in the party setting. Never again will you have to feel nervous or bored while talking to total strangers because some guy you know just moved into a new house. But I warn you: Use these strategies wisely. Do not abuse them and they will not abuse you. Remember, with great power comes great… how does that go again?