The pigeons have risen. And they’re out for meat.

Human meat.

In Pigeon Technology I, I chronicled how basic “Pigeon Technology” was hampering the lives of various hobosapiens in my neighbourhood.

Due to unyielding political strife/public outcry for justice, Pigeon Technology II was birthed. I will admit the second chapter was written hastily and filled with grievous factual errors, but its heart was in the right spot.

But forget all of that shit. We’ve got bigger problems than the moderate set-up for a vaguely comedic Internet blog.

The pigeons are fighting back!

Okay, so remember a few months ago when I told you guys about the metal spikes the building next to me put up under their carport in order to keep pigeons from making nests? And how initially this was a good idea as I liked to use the carport to walk/stand under?  And then I realized this same technology was being used on the homeless and therefor all Pigeon Technology was evil?

Well, it seems as though the pigeons don’t like getting fucked in the chest by big metal spikes.

Last week, I walked under the carpark like I have done and will continue to do until I remember what horrible things happen when I walk under the carpark. And for the first time in months, a pigeon accosted me. He flew down and nearly hit me in the face.

I thought we were past this.

Turns out, all of the spikes were removed. At first I deduced this was an economic cut-back due to the recession and the building manager was in trouble with Pigeon Technology Financiers. Perhaps the lease ran out or the spikes were repossessed. But when I saw two pigeons working together to pull- with their beaks- the spikes from one of the beams, I knew I was in for a hell of a night.

My cape and hat were at the cleaners, and my dad took my revolver away because it accidentally went off when I dropped it in his car.  Sleuthing on the pigeons would prove to be a difficult task that night, so I took some acid and watched Planet of the Apes. All of them. In a row.

Dig this:

This chart was designed and printed in part by The Rand Corporation.

In association with McManus Industries, The Rand Corporation has been producing high-quality digital imagine for close to twenty five years.

The Rand Corporation:

Bringing Images to Life!

1800 South Kensington Dr., Appleton WI 54915
920-749-9770

(No order is too big or too small!)

I understand most of what was on the chart is common knowledge.

However it is important to familiarize yourself with the enemy as often as possible. I suggest printing the above diagram, either blacking out or highlighting the designations, and placing the photo in an area where you spend a considerable amount of time: on a mirror, at your desk, etc. Look at the pigeon and learn to hate the pigeon.

It sounds like we skipped a few steps but I assure you we did not. If you’ve come this far I don’t think I have to sell you on the idea of a widespread Pigeon Cull.

A “cull” is when you pick a certain thing that you do not like and attempt to murder as many of that thing as quickly as possible. Hitler culled Jews. Canadians cull baby seals. Axl Rose culls guitarists. Everyone does it.

So arm yourself, friends. I suggest twine, gasoline and a strong pair of kitchen shears. The pigeons are taking back what’s rightfully theirs, and pretty soon they’ll be bringing the revolution into OUR living rooms and pecking OUR children and telling US to migrate south for the winter. And that cannot stand!

And be sure to take a photo of every pigeon you cull. One hundred culled pigeons equals one “Bob & Andrew Buck”. “Bob & Andrew Bucks” can be redeemed through the website for prizes.

100 “Bob & Andrew Bucks” = A form letter email from Bob and/or Andrew thanking you for your fan-dome

200 “Bob & Andrew Bucks” = A 300 second phone call from Bob and/or Andrew

500 “Bob & Andrew Bucks” = You get to punch one of us in the face, chest or groin

Happy hunting!