For years I was confused about the difference between “rap” and “hip hop”.

What are the fundamental anomalies? Is there a clear line between the two? Who is Funkmaster Flex?

I suppose I could have investigated the issue, perhaps asked around. Instead, I just made up my own mind and defined the rule as it stands to me. Because really, musical taste is a tricky bitch. We all like different things; a lot of people probably hate your favorite band and the sooner you understand that the better off you’ll be. So why now make up your facts?

This is my hypothesis: Rap is money/hoes/guns. Hip hop is about the beats and the musicianship. It’s soulful and poetic.

Hip hop is also about guidance, leadership and life lessons.

We can’t talk about hip hop without first discussing the race issue. Yes, a lot of rap and hip hop fans are young white kids who emulate MCs in what they wear and how they talk. This is a fact that cannot be ignored.

I’d like to apologize on behalf of all white people. Apparently today’s youth don’t understand that you can enjoy a particular sport, film or musical act without completely imitating it and basing your entire personality on that of an image. (This practice is not exclusive to the hip hop genre; go to any small town in BC and notice the amount of long hair and Megadeth t-shirts on those born after 1987.)

Now that we’ve solved the race problem, I’d like to explain how hip hop has impacted my life by outlining my years of experience with the music.

Strap on your Adidas!

1985- 2001

I did not listen to hip hop during those years.

2001-2004

In eleventh grade, one of my friends gave me the Beastie Boys’ “Hello Nasty” on a CD-R. I enjoy the whimsy, their sense of good-time having, and that there were three of them. A good, even number if you ask me. In their music videos, the Beastie Boys often wore red, yellow and blue jumpsuits and pranced about the streets of New York. I guess you could say they taught me how to enjoy life, and that if you got the jammy you don’t need the permit.

I first heard Public Enemy when I watched Spike Lee’s film “Do The Right Thing“. Chuck D’s raspy growl was complimented by the greatest hype-man of all time, and viking helmet wearing sexpot Flavor Flav, and together, they were just amazing. They inspired me to read newspapers and care about issues. I bought a large stereo and carried it around on my shoulder… that is, until the batteries died. An eight back of D batteries will set you back about fifteen bucks, and it’s just harmful to the environment because I’m not going to properly dispose of them. I’m going to bury the batteries in my backyard like any normal person.

I listened almost exclusively to these acts back to back. Public Enemy got me angry, Beasties calmed me down. Like a nice piece of key-lime pie after a meal of spicy chili. A perfect combination.

2004

Eminem released his album “Encore” on the heels of two hit singles, “Just Lose It” and “Mosh”. The latter was a biting indictment of the Bush administration, the war in Iraq, and the lower class suffering in America. Obviously it had no impact on the election and Bush was elected to a second term. Way to go, Marshall!

Two weeks before I was to head to Vancouver and my new life as a broke writer, I discovered Rage Against the Machine. Holy fucking shit. Rapping AND guitars? I nearly made in my shorts when I first heard “Killing in the Name”.

Don’t believe me?

Still don’t?

Go to hell!

2005

Attended Vancouver Film School. Incurred crippling student loan debt. Met Bob Woolsey, became a borderline alcoholic.

2006

I’m not going to lie- 2006 for me was all about punk rock. I barely listened to rap music in 2006. It was seminal acts like Ramones, Iggy, and The Clash, with new stuff like Against Me! and NOFX taking up space on my iPod. I apologize.

2007

I was in and out of rehab until Christmas.

2008

This year has really broadened my hip hoponomical taste. I’ve been introduced to such amazing acts as Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Eric B and Rakim, Jay Z, Ludacris, Nas and of course, Immortal Technique.

Immortal Technique is, from what I can gather, a Peruvian fellow who hates the government. He has the face of a sex offender (like a really violent one who tattoos “captures” on his forearm) and frequently raps in Spanish, which is nice because I enjoy the Pixies and learning. He tells stories about the drug trade that are honest and have morals. He taught me not to do cocaine, nor to believe anything Jeff Goldblum says.

The Future?

As is the trend with many of my blogs, I set out on a journey to teach YOU something, when I myself end up teaching ME something.

And what have I learned, you ask? Well, I have realized that hip hop music has not really taught me anything. I still have the same bad habits and imperfections as I did before I listened to hip hop… which was seven years ago.

Oh my, that’s sad.

Jesus.

What is wrong with me.

Lately I’ve been feeling a little lost. I look around at my contemporaries- people my age, younger- and can’t help but be baffled at where things are headed. I tend to shake my head a lot. I feel like an old man who yearns “for the good old days” and that if “those darn kids could just keep it down”, I could have my milk and go to bed.

Our world is even more connected than ever, yet we’ve chosen to be anonymous, isolated. Everything is instant, there’s no time to wait. Our language is being lost amidst a flurry of key beeps and LOLs.

A lack of formal education hinders me from writing a meandering essay about the socio-political causes, contrasting class and economic details that may cause some of the problems cited. Hence, here is a list of current social trends that I abhor. Enjoy.

Uncurved baseball caps with stickers on the brim

Take them off, curve the hat. That is how it works.

Small children

I wouldn’t tolerate an adult yelling and screaming some unintelligible nonsense whilst flailing his limbs and spitting at me as I browse the magazine rack at London Drugs. So why would I stand by and let you, as your mother calls you “Jared”, (probably spelled Jarrid or some other retarded way) ruin a magazine I have no intention of paying for? Children should not be seen nor heard until they have a valid driver’s license.

Did you know that SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) can be classified on child deaths up to and including four years of age? That doesn’t sound so sudden to me.

Really, that’s all I can say. Get off the phone and hug somebody.

This is another trend from the urban hip hop community that preppy white kids stole. Look, I like rap: Mos Def, Talib Kweli. I’m down with Jigga and I think Reverend Run truly rocks the party and comes correct, his cuts are his time and rhymes correct. There’s no debating that. But if this needs to stop.

Attention white people: You will never look as cool as a black guy. Stop shaving your head, pull up your pants, and buy a polo shirt. Thank you.

I’m so sorry if I don’t like to waste six litres of water just to make the water clear again. Stool is another story. Urine is a class of it’s own. It should NOT be feared.

Urine is sterile. You can drink it.

Studies indicate that a rapidly growing trend for young French-Canadians is a post-secondary hitchhiking trip across Canada. Many come from well-to-do homes, however ending up on the streets at some point or another. I have empathy for the homeless- the disabled, mentally ill homeless. The lazy, young able-bodied kids? Well, let me put it in terms they may understand:

Retour au wence vous êtes venu, vous écume horrible de Quebecor !

I understand that you are old- by my estimates, you have approximately fifteen years left to live- however, you needn’t smile at every waking second.

Life isn’t that great.

Sure, maybe you’re on some killer drugs or you’re wearing a butt plug, but please, keep your joy inward. The rest of us want to smack you in the mouth and dislodge your butt plug.

I’d like to unite all of these grievances, pinpoint a through line and suggest some kind of social parable. I’d like to, but as I mentioned earlier, I am highly uneducated.

Goodnight Cleveland!