Perhaps you’ve seen one the many Apple product addresses, where in Mr. Jobs will pull a new iPod out of his ever-decreasing-in-size pockets and a thousand people will orgasm in unison.

At the most recent Apple suck-fest, yes, new iPods were unveiled and yes they are sexy as hell and yes I would trade a testicle for one, but something else was introduced of particular interest to me: iTunes Genius.

More or less a playlist generator, Genius scans your library of music and based on dozens of factors (rhythm, beat, length, genre, level of involvement of Rick Rubin) it populates a list of songs “similar” to the one you selected. It’s great for making quick playlists if you’re in the mood for a particular type of music, or looking for new artists (with links to the iTunes store handy).

But enough suckin’ at the proverbial dink. We’ve got bigger problems.

I love music.

I love music like a deaf person loves handing out little pieces of paper that explain basic sign language, except music doesn’t snatch the paper back when they see that I don’t have any coins. (What the hell, man? I thought this was a gift!)  Genius seemed perfect for me, a lazy music enthusiast. But there’s a problem: in order to function, all of the information based in your iTunes folder is sent to Apple for processing. It is… processed… and then sent back with Genius raring to go. Hmm, not to sure I like this information exchange.

Genius is getting too smart. Too powerful. It knows me, and how I think.

It must be destroyed.

Confrontación Inicial

Humans are imperfect. No man is without fault hence no machine he creates can be either.

The Death Star was blown up with a single beam of light. Surely I can trick Genius and prove it inferior to me.

So now- visually- I will take you along on my mission to destroy iTunes Genius.

Hold on to your sack.

Victor Desagradable

A surefire bet, at least I thought, was to take a b-side from an indie artist. Yes, Jeff Buckley will be for sale in the iTunes store (buy two albums get free water-wings?) but this isn’t a single, or even a song he’s that known for. Let’s see Genius do something that matches the sultry tone and sweet whisperings of one of music’s greatest.

Motherfucker! What a good playlist. Another thematic wave, a few bursts of rock and roll and some singles.

Damn it. Foiled!

Tiempo para Atacar

Perhaps I needed some perspective: is there a new way to look at the message, as opposed to the medium? I went to the thesaurus. “Defeat” suggested I look up the word “puzzling”, which led to me the lynch-pin, the word that opened the gate to the path that leads to the house. And within that house? Victory.

A synonym for puzzling is queer. Queer? Why, I now know how to thwart Genius.

Elton John!

While Elton proved to have the strangest mix of songs, it is still, at least, vaguely appropriate.

Apple Computers 1
Andrew Computers 0

I think I am going about this all wrong. Genius isn’t something I should fear/want to bring down. Perhaps embracing the beast is the best tactic. Not figuratively, of course; I’m not going to print these screen captions and paste them to a pillow just so I can physically embrace Genius.

No. I will literally embrace Genius.

Okay, so what have we learned here today?

1. The irrational fear of technology is futile and advancement should be embraced like a warm blanket or cold Popsicle.

2. Elton John, while talented, only somewhat disrupts a digital media organzing program.

3. Mos Def would have been a better vice presidential candidate than Joe Biden.

I thank you for your time.