As we all know July marks the beginning of Canada. We all get together and remember how the British beat the shit out of the French on the Plains of Abraham. How the Hudson Bay Company fur traders set up forts and outposts where they could feed the Aboriginal peoples fire water and sell them small pox blankets. Ah, the memories. Seriously though, Canada is a great place. We’re a simple people who love life, good times and snow. I thought I would take some time out to remind us of our part in keeping this nation great. So, here are a few guidlines to follow in our endeavour to be the best Canadians possible.

In order to be a good Canadian you have to keep up the traditions of the land while not perpetuating negative stereotypes. The first of these duties is the correct use of the word ‘eh’. Over time Canadians have been critisized for their use of this word. Some say it makes Canadians sound dumb or perhaps slow. But I would argue that when used correctly ‘eh’ is the perfect punctuation on a statement. In the right place ‘eh’ should never draw attention to itself, but rather be an organic part of a sentence. Here are some examples:

Have a good one, eh.

See you later, eh.

Have fun, eh.

Betty’s a real bitch, eh.

Really, if anything, ‘eh’ is a little check-in at the end of a statement to see if whoever you’re talking to understands you. It’s when ‘eh’ is over used that it becomes a dull sounding word that can lend an unflattering tone to the speaker. I would argue that it is people with low self esteem who give ‘eh’ a bad name as they’re constantly trying to check-in for approval with whoever they are talking to. They use ‘eh’ at the end of every sentence. When in correct use ‘eh’ should be strategically placed to punctuate whatever point you’re trying to make, eh.

The second thing any good Canadian should be doing to keep our land and culture strong is 2 fold. I like to call it the T-Squared element. Every Canadian should own a Toque and a Toboggan. I don’t know if you’ve heard but we get a lot of snow in Canada. These two pieces of Canadianism are staples of our winter heritage. As a reminder of the importance of the toque and toboggan, I have a ripped toque that I’ve kept since I was but a wee Canadian. You see, one winter I was tobogganing with my father, my uncle and my cousin. I had gone for a run down the hill and wiped out at the base of the sledding lane. My uncle gave my cousin a push, thinking I would be clear of his path by the time he reached me. It was then that tragedy struck. My cousin’s toboggan slammed into my forehead, ripping my toque. I bled all over the snow and had to get eighteen stitches that day. My point: It was a right of passage and both a toboggan and toque were involved. I rest my case.

Also, play safe.

One of the most recognizable and talked about of Canadian traditions is hockey. I know, not everyone in Canada plays hockey. But they should. Hockey is cool. Thereby making Canada that much cooler, since we kick ass at it. Therefore, every Canadian (if they want to be a good Canadian) should play or least have a passing knowledge of hockey. They should all know who Wayne Gretzky, Bobby Orr, Maurice Richard and Gordie Howe are. They should be able to explain how an offside works, what the announcer means when they say ‘there’s a real barn burner going on tonight’, they should have played road hockey when they were a kid (or yesterday) and they should definitely tune into Hockey Night in Canada at LEAST every other Saturday.

Canadians should be able to speak French. But only two phrases worth: “Est que je peux aller aux toilettes?” and “Comment ca va?” which translate to: “May I go to the bathroom?” and “How are you?” Canadians should also be able to read the French labels on products with an ironically bad and exaggerated French accent.

Good Canadians should know that Mr Dressup was far superior to Mr Rogers. Mr Rogers couldn’t even draw, he didn’t have a dog and that train to imaginary land was a thinly disguised drug allegory that is the reason so many American youths are hooked on crack today. Thanks Mr Rogers! I know how they make so much stuff in factories, it was easy for me to convert my basement into a meth lab! But as we all know, being Canadian is not about NOT being American, so I will leave this comparison here.

Canadians can help others recognize our goodness by pointing out any and all famous people who are Canadian. Mike Myers – Canadian. Celine Dion – Canadian. That gay dude that’s married to Elton John – Canadian. Peter Jennings – was Canadian. Neil Young – Canadian. Jennifer Tilly – a screechy Canadian. Peter North – also Canadian. By pointing out other Canadians who have done great or recognizable things, we remind the world of what a great place Canada is. I mean, duh, hello, look at all the great Canadians in Hollywood! Take them away and you take away like… three sixteenths (or something) of the talent!

In order to be an upstanding Canadian, one should look out for one’s fellow Canadians. We’re known world wide for being polite, but it’s more than that. Canadians stick together. We live in peace and harmony with each other, regardless of where our families came from, what colour our skin is, what religion we follow, whether we voted Liberal or Conservative or NDP or Bloc Quebecois or Green or Marijuanna, what we do in the comfort of our own homes, who we sleep with, etc, etc. Being a good Canadian is about living your life in a Canadian way everyday. Which can include any religion, spiritualism, culture, etc. So we cover all the bases. We embrace one another because we know that all people are alike and Canadian at heart. Because Canada kicks ass. We’re a model nation for the modern world and all you have to do is walk the streets of any major Canadian city to see it.

This is by no means a comprehensive list to being a stand-up Canadian, but it’s a good start. So all you Canadians out there – keep on, keeping on.

Keep on watching those heritage commercials:

“Aye Clarence, why don’t you just read it then?”

“Both of you know, I canna read a word…”

Keep on humming the Hockey Night in Canada theme music as you browse the aisles of the liquor store looking for your favourite brand of domestic beer.

Keep on guzzling down that Tim Horton’s coffee by the litre.

Keep on peacekeeping in Afghanistan or wherever you guys are.

Keep on waving that old red and white over the true north strong and free.

Happy Birthday Canada.

You’re looking good for your age. I mean, you are a young country by world standards. I mean, I don’t mean to say you’re old or anything, I’m just saying, you look good no matter how old you get. I mean, it’s never a bad idea to keep up with a little work-out here and there to stay trim and keep the heart healthy, but it’s not like you HAVE to at this point, I just mean… well, you know what I mean.