As it turns out, God has a beard and guitar. He sings of the common folk, of love and of heart ache. He tells stories and paints pictures of all the varied emotions we feel as human beings. Then he hangs out with Willie Nelson and John Prine while he collects royalty cheques for such hits as Sunday Morning Comin Down, Help Me Make it Through the Night, and the aforementioned Me and Bobby McGee. This guy is truly a living legend. If there were anyone in the world that I wish was my Dad (other than my real Dad, of course) it would be Kris Kristofferson. Sure, I would’ve had to put up with an alcoholic father who spent most of his time on the road but I would’ve also been calling Johnny Cash Uncle. The pros seriously outweigh the cons.

Lets start off by running down a little of this guy’s more impressive accomplishments. A man of great intelligence, Kristofferson was a Rhodes Scholar. He was a golden gloves boxer. The son of a United States General, he entered the army where he gained the rank of Captain. It was in the army that he became a helicopter pilot. Upon being offered tenure to teach at the illustrious West Point Military Academy, Kristofferson turned it down, moved to Nashville and became a janitor. It was there that he pitched many of his now legendary songs to the likes of Johnny Cash and other country superstars of the time. I think it goes without saying that this guy could kill you with his bare hands then turn around and sing a heartbreaking love song to your lifeless corpse. No small feat in my book.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the story of Kristofferson landing his helicopter on the front lawn of Johnny Cash’s house and handing him a demo of ‘Sunday Morning Comin’ Down’. Cash went on to record the song and thus began Kristofferson’s career as one of the greatest American songwriters of all time. He’s basically an action hero with a guitar. And a beard. He’s like a country singing Chuck Norris, but cooler.

Of course while all this was going on, Kristofferson also became an actor. He was good friends with the infamous Sam Peckinpah and acted for Peckinpah many times. He nailed Barbara Streisand in ‘A Star is Born‘ and even acted for a young Martin Scorsese in ‘Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore‘. What did I tell you? Cooler than Chuck Norris by far.

Now lets indulge in something of an academic exercise and analyze one of Kristofferson’s songs. There is no truer test for a poet than to have your words stand up to in-depth scrutiny. We will now shed light on the magnificent songwriting prowess that is Kris Kristofferson. We will delve into the man’s very soul to uncover truths about humanity and see if his words can stand the test of time.

For this exercise I have chosen ‘Sam’s Song’ from Kristofferson’s 1995 album A Moment of Forever.

SAM’S SONG by Kris Kristofferson

I have been with the best that the bastards could muster
From Danny the Dildo to Sidney the Snake
And I feel like a working girl pausing to wonder
Just how much screwin’ the spirit can take

Chorus:
I said, “Willie old buddy, please tell me again
The reason to keep goin’ on.”
He said, “There’s no harder words to say over a friend
Than they done you so righteously wrong
They stopped you from singing your song”

He was our hero, boys, he took the bullet
But he went down swingin’ his fist from the floor
You can ask any working girl south of the border
Sam Peckinpah era un hombre for sure

Chorus:
Willie old buddy please tell me again
The reason to keep goin’ on
He said, “There’s no harder words to say over a friend
Than they done you so righteously wrong
They stopped you from singin’ your song.”

But not me.

Analysis: KICK ASS!

See you in October Kris.

Let me begin by giving you my food credentials:

I eat about two and half to three meals a day. I’m primarily an eater of western foods, but I have ventured into other cultures on many occasions. I also cook whenever I can and enjoy it very much. I think meat is a valued part of any dish, although I have tried (and liked very much) many vegetarian and vegan dishes. I have a large extended family and as a result food has factored largely into our get-togethers. Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthday, Camping trip, etc, there was never a shortage of food. And so I bring to you, my tribute to: FOOD.

I think it makes sense to break down this blog in terms of meals, so here are my favourite foods for all times of day:

Breakfast

As a somewhat stereotypical white person, I love breakfast. It is my favourite meal of the day. There’s nothing so good as getting up late on a Sunday, cooking a big breakfast and stuffing your face full of delicious eggs, toast and bacon whilst strumming your guitar on the veranda or enjoying the weekend newspaper with a hot cup of coffee.

One of the best ways to treat yourself with a breakfast meal is to switch it around and have breakfast for dinner. Crazy, I know! But oh so delicious.

I’d like to take time out now to have a moment of remembrance for one of the tastiest breakfast meals ever created that sadly no longer exists. I’m talking about the Meat Lover’s Skillet from Denny’s Restaurants. Let me say that I am in no way a huge supporter of Denny’s. In fact I find most of their food rather disgusting, but they sure hit gold with the Meat Lover’s Skillet. To this day I remain baffled as to why they took this genius creation off their menu. I was able to order it for about a year and half after they took it off, but those glory days are no more. RIP Meat Lover’s Skillet.

Lunch

Everybody knows that the sandwich is the ultimate lunch creation. You can’t do any better than a scrumptious stack of bread, meat, veggies and cheese. That is of course unless you choose to grill this stack of glorious goodness! I am of the mind that meals should be hot. There are exceptions, of course, but by and large I consider cool meals to be nothing more than snacks. That is why I am in love with the invention of the grilled panini.

Bread Garden is a good place to go for a good panini. They are a bit on the expensive side, but their panini’s are delicious. If you are a Vancouver resident and like chicken sandwiches as much as I do, Yaggers Downtown Restaurant and Sports Bar is the place to go. Their free run chicken breast panini is perhaps the best in all the land.

Other spectacular lunch choices: The Hamburger. Sushi (if you’re into that sort of thing). Leftovers are always a great lunch treat, kind of like a little dinner in the middle of the day.

Dinner

Pizza is good any old time. A nice slice can be a satisfying breakfast, lunch or dinner treat. However, traditionally the pizza is a dinner menu item. And boy is it ever good! My personal preference is the meat lover’s once again. But pizza also gets the award for being one of the most versatile of foods. You can put pretty much anything on one of those greasy wheels and it would taste pretty good to me.

My idea of a great dinner goes hand in hand with a nice alcoholic drink to wash it down. In the above case of pizza, beer has got to be your drink of choice. On other occasions nothing compliments a dinner meal better than a nice glass of red wine. Dinner, more than any other meal should be a communal experience. Getting drunk with a group of good friends whilst eating a delicious meal is about as close to heaven as you can get for this young blogger.

Being of British decent, I tend to like the heavier dinner meals; meat and potatoes kind of things. There is a Scottish dish that I grew up with called Mince and Totties. Basically it’s some kind of ground beef stew served over a mound of mashed potatoes with mashed carrots and turnip on the side. Truly a wonderfully warming meal! Best served in the winter.

Other dinner favourites of mine: Steak. Pasta. Fish.

Dessert

And now to one of my favourite parts of any meal: the dessert. Let me begin by saying that the combination of chocolate and peanut butter is the most perfect and delectable taste known to humankind. As a result, most all of my top desserts are based on some kind of peanut butter – chocolate combo. However there are other great desserts to choose from as well.

Strawberry shortcake is a nice light choice.

Cheesecake is a classic. Again, if you’re ever in Vancouver and you want good cheesecake go to Trees Organic Coffee & Roasting House. They have the best cheesecake I’ve ever tasted.

When the season is right, Pumpkin Pie cannot be beat. It even overtakes peanut butter and chocolate for the last few months of every year. Trees Coffee has a seasonal Pumpkin cheesecake that I simply cannot get enough of.

Honourable Mentions

Mexican food is straight up fantastic. Respect.

My favourite Mexican food spot: Delicados

Other ethnicities whose food I love:

Greek.

Italian.

Indian.

Chinese. This is a recent one. My new boss is a fan of Chinese food and took the office out for Dim Sum. It was a wonderful dining experience. I definitely plan on repeating.

When all is said and done, food is a neccessary part of our lives. We would die without it. But it’s so much more than just a means of keeping our bodies functioning. It’s a ritualized cultural statement no matter where you are in the world. Food is what gives a person their power. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

This particular tribute: Well-fitting pants.

Let me begin by saying that I am a fan of well dressed people. I admire their ability to put outfits together and walk the streets stylishly. However, I do not consider myself a well dressed person most of the time. Appropriately dressed? Yes, but well dressed? That’s a stretch. I like the old t-shirt and jeans combo – or perhaps the t-shirt and shorts combo, depending on the season. T-shirts are easy to find. There are plenty of people making really cool t-shirts (Jadefish is a perfect example). You don’t even really have to try them on. Once you know your general t-shirt size, you’re set. Pants however, are a different story.

Is it just me or does every single clothing store have a different measurement for jeans? I go to one place and 34×34 fits great – I go to another and it’s way too small. I should say that I have little or no patience when it comes to shopping for things, especially clothes. If I have to try on more than one pair of pants, I get very cranky. Obviously, as I’ve outlined above, due to the stupid lack of standardization between clothing stores, I often do have to try on 3 or 4 pairs of pants in any one outing. As a result I avoid shopping for clothes at all costs. In the last year I would say that I’ve shopped for clothes a total of about 4 times. And I hated each and every one of them.

Which is odd because I really like the feeling of getting new clothes. You go out of the house after de-tagging all your gear, confidently sporting the entirely new outfit. It feels good. Like a fresh haircut. Could it be that the pure agony you have to go through in order to achieve this is what makes the feeling so sweet? I don’t know, but I do know that there is nothing better in this world than a well-fitting pair of sharp looking new pants.

You know what I’m talking about – those pants you slip on that hang off your hips as though part of your body. So comfortable that you’d rather wear them than be naked, even when alone. That finely cut fabric that accentuates your personality so well that you feel unstoppable while wearing it. It’s a power so dangerous that it has been taken to extremes so grotesque you could hardly imagine. Leather pants come to mind. But even then, who could resist the temptation of another animal’s skin tailored to fit your legs so perfectly?

The notion almost allows me an understanding of high fasion.

Almost.

When all is said and done, pants are about comfort and functionality. They keep you warm, guard your legs from various scratchy things and provide that oh so spectacular place to put your keys. This is why women had to invent purses. In fact, one could even argue that pants are the reason the Woman’s Liberation movement took off so successfully in the first place. They saw the pant and said “I want to wear those too! They look so comfortable.” And they were right to do so.

Pants truly are an historical item. And I love them.

Here’s to you — Well-Fitting Pants.