featuring:
Jamie Slade as Paul
Stephen LeBail as Gavin
and
Andrew Menzies as The Porter

Whenever life hands you a challenge like this the first thing you should do is look for the best way to cheat. Luckily, cheating is the one thing you can count on the public school system to teach children. Of course, in this case, the best way to cheat is to APPEAR like you’re in shape when in reality you spend your evening cuddled up on the couch with a bag of Cheetos.

There are many approaches to appearing to keep in shape. The most popular of which is probably starvation. I don’t recommend this however as it leads to multiple eating disorders. In fact, I would say it’s just as much work as trying to actually go to the gym on a regular basis. Who can resist the temptation of a delicious meal for longer than a couple hours at best? As you can see, starvation is really no cheat at all.

The best way to get around actual work in this aspect of life is moderation. I know, you’ve heard it before, but I want to reiterate it here. When you buy that flat of Pepsi to get you through the week, try diet. When you grab your daily venti 6 pump vanilla breve with whipped topping latte coffee thingy from that cafe that shall remain nameless switch to non-fat. When you buy the sour cream that you’re going to put on all your food even if it doesn’t really go with sour cream, get the lite instead. My point is this: in the 21st century world, there is no reason to even be taking in fat. Chemists/marketing specialists have been working on this problem for years, are you going to throw their life’s work down the toilet?

Of course simply switching to chemically altered food isn’t enough. You actually do have to do some physical activity otherwise you end up with that ridiculous skinny person belly that makes you look like a Simpsons character. The key to this is tricking yourself into thinking you’re not doing anything at all. Take the Wii for example, its success is based on this very principle.

The best physical activity that doesn’t seem like exercise at all is sex. Now as we covered earlier, if you’re not actually in shape and you haven’t created the appearance of being in shape yet, this may be difficult for you to do. But if you can, have as much sex as possible. The second best way to fool yourself into exercise is to get a dog. When people are around dogs, the become like dogs. They laugh and play and frolic around – a great source of exercise. That’s why they give dogs to old people when they’re not doing so good. Or you can just become homeless and ramble the countryside – see my earlier post for details.

As a last resort, if all the above advice fails, just wear a lot of black and get one of those costume undershirts with the muscles painted on them. It probably won’t get you laid, but it will go over great at parties and you’ll keep warm in the winter. But whatever you do, don’t carry around one of those fake 5000lbs barbells with you – that’s just going too far.