I like to curse.  I consider swear words the pepper to the potatoes of the English language.

(Adjectives are salt.  Conjectures, the paprika.)

There are no “bad words”. Intentions can be bad, but to say a word is “bad” is just trite and childish.

Some say cursing is a sign of a lack of intelligence. The notion being, if one is too daft to think of something better to say, he will revert to the fowl. I can see the merit to this argument however there is something to be said about a well placed swearword. There’s a psychological reason we use these words, whatever context. And that reason is not something I’m qualified to give nor am interested in exploring that shit.

And now, onto the God damn cursing.

I think I first started cursing in fourth grade. I don’t know exactly when I first heard swear words or really how I felt towards them, but I do know I cursed quite a bit in fourth grade. Something to do with all the long division, I imagine.

My parents, of course, never liked hearing those words. Now that I’m older they don’t really care, but that’s not to say I call up my dad and ask him how the fuck he’s doing. If one of those words so happens to slip, they’re not about to punish me because I am still technically an adult.

I still mind my manners, especially around ladyfolk, because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten myself in a pickle for dropping the c-bomb around some woman who just can’t handle that word.

Here are five of my favorite curse words.

Bastard

I defy you to name one other word that sounds better. The only people who don’t like the word ‘bastard’ are actual bastards, and if you’re an actual bastard, you’ve got bigger problems than what words I say.

Shit

Shit means poop, but the accomplished cursor will never refer to poop as shit. If you’re gonna poop, just say you’re gonna poop. Save ‘shit’ for really heavy shit.

Shit.

Fuckstick

Why call someone a ‘motherfucker’ when you can call them a fuckstick? Not only will they be hurt, but they will be confused. And then… and then you can attack.

Assbag

Now, you may be saying to yourself “Wait a second, that’s just another curse word combined with an object, like fuckstick.” And you’d be right.  But screw you, fuckstick. This is my blog. I’ll blog whatever the shit I want. Fuck.

Douchebag

Ah, douchebag. Quite possibly the greatest word in the English language, period. It just sounds so perfect. ‘Douchebag’ sounds like two songbirds making love beneath a rainbow, as a child is born.

Summation

Summation is not a curse word. It is a variation of the word summarize.

Language is just a series of words strung together to form sentences and complete thoughts. What’s it to you if those thoughts happen to include an f-bomb or a variation on the word “anus”? Does it make me less of a human? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not seek revenge? Damn right we will.

Kids, curse all you want. If your dad says anything, fuck him.