Birth defects that sound like pasta dishes
Spina bifida.
Progeria.
Klippel-Feil syndrome.
Hypotonia.
Achondroplasia.
Terrible conditions of the nervous and cardiovascular OR delicious concotions of meat and pasta?
You be the judge.
-Andrew
Tags: birth defects, pasta
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Pigeon Technology III: Pigeons Fight Back
The pigeons have risen. And they’re out for meat.
Human meat.
In Pigeon Technology I, I chronicled how basic “Pigeon Technology” was hampering the lives of various hobosapiens in my neighbourhood.
Due to unyielding political strife/public outcry for justice, Pigeon Technology II was birthed. I will admit the second chapter was written hastily and filled with grievous factual errors, but its heart was in the right spot.
But forget all of that shit. We’ve got bigger problems than the moderate set-up for a vaguely comedic Internet blog.
The pigeons are fighting back!
Tags: bob & andrew bucks, culling, pigeon technology
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WEB LOG
This is truth: until sixteen days ago, I had no idea that the word “blog” was derived from the term “web log”.
This revelation threw me. I’m usually pretty tight with words and shit. I got straight B’s in high school English; obviously above average, but not too big for my britches.
Had I gotten all A’s I would be filled with too much confidence to even explore my grammatical shortcomings. (Of which, believe me, there are many.)
When I think of words that are fucking kick ass, I tend to think of things, as opposed to ideas. Democracy is a pretty good idea, but as a word? Lame.
Some words have a particular ring to them that’s just appealing, even if the object, idea or place they describe or represent is wholly disgusting. Examples: falcon, snot, microwave.
I could go on but I’d rather share these drawings I made.
Tags: All Blogs, animals, fire, horse, Jesus, ms paint, rabbit, turtle, web log
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Raincity 72 Hour Noir Film Contest
Last weekend Bob and Andrew were approached by their good friend Darren Borrowman to write a short film for him. Little did they know that they would have little over 4 hours to do it. As part of the Raincity 72 Hour Noir Film Contest, Bob and Andrew penned the script for “Pier Pressure” which was directed by Mr Borrowman. It’s a comedy noir along the lines of “Naked Gun.” Starring website regulars Lauren Martin, Stephen LeBail and Jamie Slade along with one of Darren’s friend’s Tom Belding (who is amazing in the film) and featuring a fantastic score by the lovely and talented Red, Pier Pressure is sure to finish among the top films in the contest.
You can attend the screening Saturday, March 21st, 11:30am at the Rio Theatre near Commercial and Broadway in Vancouver. Tickets are 10 dollars.
Tags: 72 hour, andrew menzies, bob woolsey, competition, darren borrowman, film noir, Jamie Slade, lauren martin, naked gun, pier pressure, rachel watson, raincity, red, short film, stephen lebail, tom belding
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Star Trek: The Facts… Without Any of That Geek Bullshit
There’s a new Star Trek movie coming out in May. A JJ Abrams relaunching of the classic franchise that I assume will be shit. But that’s a blog for another day. Today I would like to inform you of the ins and outs of a proud tradition of story telling we call, Star Trek.
Those of you that know me know that I am a long time Star Trek fan. I’ve been called a Trekker. I grew up with Captain Picard and Captain Kirk. In many ways they shaped the man I am today. Proud, noble, forever ripping my shirts fighting alien bad guys.
I grew up during something of a golden age of Star Trek. A time when it was so popular that it was almost accepted to be a fan of it. Almost. Sure, I’ve been made fun of over the years for my passionate following of this cult sci-fi show. I’ve been ridiculed for yelling “Phasers on stun!” at random and in public. But all the while I’ve maintained that I am not a Star Trek geek. I am a Star Trek fan. There is a difference. Those differences may be subtle, but they exist.
In an effort to clear up a few misconceptions surrounding Star Trek and its fans, please allow me to give run-down of some facts.
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Man-Up March: Man up, in March!
Oh you better believe this is an Argh blog; full of piss and vinegar and cigarette butts and motherfucking head stomps. Argh! ARGHHHH!
Man-Up March is in full effect. What? You don’t know what Man-Up March is? Well, then you’re probably not doing it right.
MAN UP; (mahn uhp); verb: To hiken one’s bootstraps; to become a man.
MARCH; (mah-rach); noun: The third lunar month.
Use your headspace to combine those two shitbricks.
Tags: be a man, complicated charts, hulk hogan, man up, Man-Up March, motherfuckers
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B&A Show: Green Shirts and Black Bears
In this episode Andrew addresses his fashion critics. Bob is feeling a little down and comes up with a plan to get away for a while. Plus, the boys talk about bears!
All in all it’s just a quick check in. If you have anything you’d like Bob and Andrew to talk about feel free to leave a comment. Obviously they listen to what you say.
Tags: andrew menzies, bears, Bob and Andrew show, bob woolsey, cabin, jeremiah johnson, shirt, update, woods
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Las Vegas: What They Don’t Want You To Know
Avid followers of this page will know that I recently took a trip to Las Vegas. Avid followers of my life will know that I am dirt broke. Hard to believe, I know. My image is the very model of wealth and class. However, I am indeed broke. This trip was funded by none other than Mr. Bob Woolsey Sr. and Mrs. Carol Woolsey - my lovely parents. They traveled to this Mecca of slot machines and show theatres a couple of years back and loved it so much they wanted to take my brother and I with them for the second go-round.
I have my sneaking suspicions that their true motives for taking us on this trip was their stinging feelings of guilt over never following up on their promise to take us to Disneyland when we were kids. To this day I experience a recurring dream wherein I get to meet Goofy only to have him remove his mask and reveal himself as the creepy, dirty traveling fair guy that used to stop in our little town every summer. It’s horrible.
There are a lot of things I wasn’t ready for in Las Vegas and I’d like to share them with you here. I know you probably think that a place so well documented in the movies and pop culture would be easy to prepare for. You’d be wrong and also a jerk for sand bagging me and my blog.
I will describe my experience for you. In doing so, I will outline what you need to know in order to enjoy Las Vegas to the maximum.
Tags: guide, las vegas, preparation, vacation, woolsey family
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Ciel Gout Delicieux
Directed by Nicholas Humphries
featuring:
Charlotte Chanler as Dorothy
Lauren Martin as Claire
and
Alan Sung as Boss
Tags: alan sung, All Videos, andrew menzies, bob woolsey, charlotte chanler, donut, funny, lauren martin, nick humphries, plants monthly, satyrists, sketch comedy
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A Collection of Hilarious Lists
Often times I will assemble a list of objects, devices or things meant to spark thought.
I compile data and research, conduct thorough surveys, and generally use my magnificent (yet still uncertified) sleuthing skills to get to the heart of the issues I am preparing to list.
I have made lists of the best land mammals, curse worse and liquors. However those blogs are absolute bullshit compared to the knowledge I’m about to drop.
While some people (re. cocksucking, sandbagging motherfuckers) have suggested that list-centric blogs are lazy and child-like, I tend to disagree. Lists are what separate us from the animals. Man’s ability to take several similar objects, organize and rank them arbitrarily merely to create conflict is an essential and vital practice. Why, without the “Best Dressed” or “Worst Dressed” lists, we’d be nothing more than monkeys spitting and pooping about!
I am doing mankind a service. So without further to do, what lies onward is a series of hilarious lists.
Tags: andrew menzies, gta3, john cusack, lists, neutral, people who have beat andrew up, philanthropy, ranking, the beatles
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My Death List
Some months ago, Bob and I pondered death and death lists in the acclaimed Internet sketch, Kick in the Head .
While death is terrible, making and seeking out a death list is not. I hope the "YEAH" banner satisfies you.
Here is my death list.
1. Build a boat.
2. Bake a comically large pizza.
3. Be in a position to donate to charity.
4. Do cocaine with Pat O’Brien. Preferably off of Mary Hart.
Tags: death list, diablo cody, kick in the head, revenge
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B&A Show: Las Vegas and the Oscars
Bob and Andrew discuss Bob’s recent trip to Las Vegas as well as Andrew’s disdain for the Oscars.
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, casino, hatred, las vegas, new york new york, oscar
Filed under The Bob & Andrew Show | 8 Comments »
Robot
Directed by Darren Borrowman
featuring:
Bob as Scientist
Stephen LeBail as Robot
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, darren borrowman, funny, Robot, science fiction, sketch comedy, sodomy, stephen lebail
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Marriage: Thank You, NO.
Ah, marriage. The splendid union between a man and a woman, a woman and a woman, or a man and a man. The most happiest day of two peoples’ lives celebrated with kith and kin, not soon to be forgotten in the hallmarks of the times.
Marriage is stupid.
Let’s look at the facts: 50% of marriages end in divorce. I didn’t research this statistic nor do I care to, but it seems more than reasonable. If going in to something that has a 50/50 chance of failure, what’s the point? I feel the same way about checkers as I do about marriage.
Second point: marriage is stupid. If you love someone, why do you need to throw a giant party and buy a couple of shiny rocks to prove it? Invest in mutual funds and take a trip some place warm. That’s how you celebrate love. Or buy a boat and name it after your significant lover.
“The S.S. Bob Woolsey sank today. All 375 on board perished in the icy waters of the Adriatic Sea. Human error is to blame.”
Tags: andrew menzies, argh, beatles, breathing, divorce, marriage, puppys, Scooter Browne, Shakespeare, Wedding
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The Best Land Mammals
The Animal Kingdom is the most dangerous kingdom.
In the Animal Kingdom, there is no rule of law. There is no schools, is no churches, is no grocery stores. You gotta fight to survive.
Every animal for herself.
I am here today to count down the top three land animals based on a detailed flow-chart of various factors. However, the flow-chart was damaged in transport therefor I cannot show it to you. You’ll just have to take my word that it was an intricate and complex flow-chart that would have illustrated my points quickly and concisely.
Now, some of you might say ranking the best land mammals is a fruitless and trite waste of time. I have no immediate defense for such accusations. Seriously, why you gotta go breaking my balls like that?
Tags: andrew, antelope, grizzly bear, hamster, human, marmot, neutral, squirrel, wolverine
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Birthday Happy, Andrew
I don’t mean to toot my own horn but since no one else seems to want to, I’m left to celebrate my birthday via blogging.
Today I am twenty-four years old. Older than Super Nintendo, younger than the World Trade Towers.
I’ve got more years on me than Mickey Rourke’s chin, but less than Cher’s tits.
Twenty-four years. Woopity doo.
I burst through the vagina at exactly 4:44 PM, February 16th, 1985 (consult your Almanacs). I was greasy and irey: thespians will recognize this as foreshadowing. A welcomed changed from months in the womb, I was a stand-out example of what a baby should be. What a baby can be.
Did you bring a coat? Good, cause I’m about to take you on a journey.
Tags: 1985, 24, 9/11, andrew menzies, biggie smalls, birthday, bob woolsey, cher's tits, Neil Young, tupac, vaginal birthing
Filed under All Blogs, Andrew's Blog | 7 Comments »
The Diet
Directed by Nicholas Humphries
featuring:
Charlotte Chanler as Marla
Lauren Martin as Carol
and
Stephen LeBail as Andy
Tags: andrew menzies, bob woolsey, charlotte chanler, crash diet, lauren martin, Nicholas Humphries, stephen lebail, suicide, The Diet, wife
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The Bob & Andrew Show: John Hodgman’s Duck
The evolution of a sketch - part one.
Bob and Andrew describe their working relationship. They read a sketch that Andrew wrote which will be shot and posted to the website down the line.
http://www.myspace.com/deltaspirit - check them out if they’re coming to a city near you. They put on a great show!
Tags: andrew menzies, Bob and Andrew show, bob woolsey, delta spirit, duck, how to write, john hodgman, sketch comedy, weekend, writing process
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Tetris
I am not a gamer by any means. I do not own a gaming console. My computer has never been sullied by having a game’s filthy information installed on its pristine hard drive. I do not spend hours online talking dirty to people I’ve never met while navigating the planes of Azeroth, nor do I comment on message boards with speculation as to what the next Star Wars game will entail while my Mom yells at me to come upstairs for dinner. I’m a simple man with simple tastes.
On the other hand, I have been known to obsessively play the most brilliant piece of pass-time programming ever created: Tetris.
That is until recently when I discovered a startling fact about myself. I have all of a sudden lost all skill for the game of Tetris. I woke up one morning and sucked at the game I have held so dear for so long. It’s been a devastating epiphany that I have struggled to deal with.
Come now as I illustrate my journey from one time Tetris terrific-o to current day Tetris terrible-o.
Tags: bob woolsey, chris hansen, Facebook, Sexism, tetris
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No Computer
Tags: anarchy, internet, no computer
Filed under All Blogs, Andrew's Blog | 10 Comments »